My husband told me a couple of days ago while we were out running together (yes, we’ve become that couple..) when I started hyperventilating and felt the panic and tears summoning its forces, initiating a full blown war in my throat, that I’ve been told so many of the wrong things over the years. Naturally when this panic strikes, all though not as often as earlier in my life, I tend to blame myself and react with sadness and frustration -embarrassment even. Embarrassment over the fact that I still am not able to control these situations. The fact that I’m still in these situations. Up until now running has been one of myfree-zones, and NO way I’m gonna let it take over it. That I can control. That was also one of the things I’ve been told. Not that I see the therapeutic value in it. Either you get rid of it by exposing yourself to the “danger”, confirming that it isn’t as scary as you built it up to be in your head. Or you just confirm what you already know in your body and minds memory, you will panic. And you must fight or flight.
Because I’ve been going to different psychiatrists and practiced several methods to cope with this shit I’m still every day faced with the fact that I might never be cured. I can always panic. Which everybody can, obviously. But everyone isn’t scared of it all the time. I am so tired. I even, still, have a hard time sometimes defining it as a panic attack whilst in the midst of one. Which is also one of the things I’ve learnt one should do..? (Great, you’re able to define the situation. Now what?) I believe I struggle identifying it because I’ve already put it in the box marked “the past” and can’t be bothered to deal with it any longer to be honest.
There are a lot of great therapists out there. There are a lot of average therapists. There are a lot of therapists that are great on some issues. There are a lot of bad therapists out there too. As there are teachers, painters, doctors, parents, people.. Then there’s the chemistry factor. Let’s not forget how big of a part this plays in a relationship. We some times just don’t get what some people want. We just don’t get how some people think or need. We talk different languages sometimes. Both literally and emotionally. Sometimes no one is to be blamed.. Other times people are just plain shitty. Failing as human beings coexisting with other human beings. But we tend to forget about this and look inwards at what we could have possibly done wrong..! What didn’t I understand? Why did I fail? How can I change?
It’s not you. It’s not me. Maybe I’ve just never met one who gets me.
We sometimes just don’t click with the other person. She rubs you the wrong way. It can be as little as his shoes.. Because how can one trust someone with down right ugly shoes? That’s what it’s been like for me for many years. I’ve been taught so many wrong things about myself and why I’ve struggled in life (just,, life, in general), that some ‘answers’ have actually worsened my condition. Like my anxiety and panic attacks, for instance. I have learnt absolutely nothing that works. Yet I’ve been taught a lot of different shit. Some of it real SHIT, actually! One of them even managed to question my very experiences of having panic attacks – question my whole anxiety!!! Probably based on that stupid form they fill out, when they tick off to eliminate OCD and all sorts of conditions, when I didn’t check off as regularly fainting and experiencing diarrhea after every incident. Which, again, makes me feel like a real loser (because I can’t even identify it as NOT me, but an anxiety disorder) in life when I still can’t handle myself in a respectable and healthy manner in different situations loosing my shit. Normal. As in not having had your life and whole identity turn 180 on you and now force you to go trough life seeing the world as a hostile place rather than safe.
Normal.
As I must be. Since I don’t shit myself every time I panic.
Maybe we’re all like this. Maybe we all have life-altering and at times crippling anxiety. But I know many people haven’t. I’ve asked. Several times. To ensure myself that I’m not weak. There is something inside my head that does make life a bit more harder.
I don’t know what my conclusion should be here. I just know that it felt really good hearing from someone who knows me the best, that this isn’t my fault. Felt really good. And that it made me believe even more (because I won’t stand for it and will settle for nothing in life) that there is something, someone, that’ll make it better.
That might be the conclusion, actually; Maybe it isn’t all on you?
This is a powerful/fragile topic. Love is so important. Love and connection. Im so grateful you have it
There is so much I want to say, I want to do, but somehow I never manage to do all that. But after reading your blogs, I always have this feeling. I don’t know what kind of feeling. Maybe it’s a whole new one, because different people can give you different feelings. I respect you, because you are so strong and you keep fighting these panic attacks, these things from which you think they weaken you. But you don’t give up and that makes you stronger and more powerful. All the times you feel sad, embarrassed, weak or uncontrolled, you grow and develop. You will always do that. Every shitty thing you go through makes you more self aware and stronger. It might take your whole life to get to know yourself, but isn’t that what life is? We’re all warriors of life, warriors of love. And we must do it ourselves, with the help of others. You are a strong woman, Viktoria. And together with the precious and wonderful people around you, you will be the person you want to be. You can do anything you want and it is not a bad thing to be afraid. Our fear drives us, gives us energy and awareness. And life isn’t always nice, but you can decide for yourself what to do with it. Live it. Feel alive and dance! And sometimes we all need a little comfort. I hope you find comfort in my words. Jeg elsker deg, and I will always do that!
Omg <3 <3 <3 This made me so happy. Thank you!
Viktoria I agree with you on the fact that somethings are not meant to be, myself i have seen things and felt things and reading your blogs has really given me a hand on things but I’m sure if we were to meet in person we wouldn’t hang out or anything but like wise it might be better that way. It makes me believe even more 🤔
Who knows right? 🙂 Some relationships are too unlikely to happen. One of my best friends in the world is a 45 year old man from South Africa! haha. He was my host-dad when I went there as an exchange student!
Then that’s all that needs to be said for me to keep trying to meet you not in a creepy way just as a fan 👌🙄
Having someone who gets you, absolutely agree. I’ve suffered with ‘night terrors’ (it’s a grey area) my whole life and had my family worried about me because of it, that made me feel like I was a problem. Contrary to google or child therapists or countless books and articles, I had them when I was awake. Sometimes during the day, out of nowhere. It’s hard to listen to someone tell you what your experiencing (like impending doom on a biblical scale and your flight response is in overdrive!) when they haven’t experienced it first hand. I’ve always wished the woman who will take me as theirs would have had a similar, if not the same experience. A therapist couldn’t learn that in books or study’s. Alas, I’m still looking for the one
It is hard not being defensive when someone, therapist or not, says they know how you’re feeling. I get really fired up. Which is unnecessary obviously.. Probably since I’ve never gotten the help I needed. Why is there no protocol on this, you know?
Therefore I too believe we can and need to fix a lot our self. With never giving up. And sharing <3
Yes totally, if only you had a little time to brace yourself for the emotion invoking comment. I try to go into every conversation now expecting to feel bad at the end, in preparation. That’s obviously terrible advice to give myself but sometimes it’s best to plan for the worst when your holding on by a thread; If my demons ever tried to greet me as a friend I would tell them to go back to hell 🙂 id be all ‘Joe Pesce’ like “What! Am I here to ****ing amuse you?!”. I do understand what Aurora means though, I think, like you’ve passed the test sort of, I think, good job sort of thing : /
Mutual affection’s great but mutual understanding’s without an equal <3
accepting our demons <3 Must be the uptime goal and way to happiness!
When I’m feeling low and nothing seems to be going right, I always remember this quote, “Life’s a Bitch and Then You Die”. Doesn’t actually help in any constructive way, just makes me smile and think, this whatever the problem of the day is, isn’t going to last for ever.
Me too!!!! I always say that! 😀
Also I tell people that we’re only set here to survive, then die. Which is the same in many ways. We made all these accomplishment and rules ourselves. Just live and then die. All we can do! haha!
I don’t know about your obstacles and difficulties, but I’m a high functioning autist. What I know a lot about is conditioning myself to override fears and instincts. I have trained my mind to control myself. That has enabled me to lead a relatively normal life with wife, job and kid, instead of spending my days in an assisted living. People perceive me as weak, because they think that I have no ambition, but my ambition is to lead a normal life and this I do, against all odds.
When you have trained your mind to control yourself by overriding your instincts, even the instinct of self-preservation, you have a developed a very strong mind and a lot of willpower. The difficulty, is that only you can change the way your mind is perceiving yourself. Having spent an average 15 to 20 years training your mind should make you an expert with a lot of experience in that field.
The thing you might want to understand is that you aren’t weak, it’s your mind that wants you to see yourself as being weak. You are stubborn, very strong minded and you have almost limitless willpower. That’s your real problem and I’m sure that I’m not the first one pointing that out. But you’re an expert and I’m pretty sure that you can outsmart your mind.
Lycka till din “jävla jente” 😉
Joe
Haha, jævla jente! That was you??
Good for you! I know I am strong. When I’m not down in the dumps. And good on you that you know it too <3
Nej, det var in inte jag men jag, men din reaktion var roligt. Killen som skrev det hade tydlingen ingen ahning om norska eller vad han har skrivit. Jag är tysk och har selv ingen ahning om norsk, men jag har läst ett svenskt ordbok någon gång, därför förstå jag litet norska och hans fel. Men, jag tycker att du är jävla tufft. Det är väldigt mådig att berättar så öppet, ärligt och skoningslöst om sina svag- och osäkerheter. Dvs du är en jävligt tufft jente, eller en väldigt stark kvinna.
hehe, takk! Ja, jeg svarer litt kjapt noen ganger. Skjønte jo han ikke skjønte hva han sa 🙂
Dear Viktoria,
When I went to your blog this morning I had no idea you would touch me so much. I experience EXACTLY what you’re going through, and it felt good to see that I’m not alone in this shit, because I talked about it as well, and no one experiences this kind of bullshit anxiety attacks, sometimes it’s impossible for me to do things, and I missed a lot of things because I knew I was too weak and it would just be struggling to look a bit normal, so no point… Sometimes it’s better, and I can do things like a normal person and then it comes, fill my entire body, I can’t breathe, or move and have the feeling that I’m dying and drowning, and it feels so awful.
Thank you so much for sharing that with us, it’s completely incredible and impossible to fight sometimes, but now it will make me feel better to know that I’m not struggling alone. i’m sure you’ll find a way out of it, with the love of your husband and family and your greatness !!!
I cried while I was reading you, both sadness, anger and relief. Anyway, I hope it will be over one day !!!! I always keep the idea that one day, when i’ll become a mother or fully adult ahah, I will be able to control this fucking monster inside me.
Thank you so much, and keep on rocking !!!
(I’m learning norwegian to read the beginning of your blog, but not good enough for now ahaha)
<3 <3
Oh my god, you too!! Means everything to me that you can relate. You made my day Lea <3
And one day!! One day, life will be kind.
i read you and identify with everything. i’ve been fighting since i was 14, twenty years ago.
the world’s always been a hostile place for me, even in my mom’s house it was so violent and full of abuse. i’m gravely traumatized and although i feel this genuine love for people, i’m truly scared they will hurt my feelings as they always did. i’m highly sensitive as well. my mom and sister spent my life telling me i was useless.
i live in brazil so i don’t have much access to therapies and stuff. i take klonopin for 12 years (and i’m addicted to it) and prozac. i smoke pot too which helps a lot. i thank god i have a life partner now who gives me some support, but we know we can only count on ourselves. that’s when i know it’s time to interiorize and meditate on some music.
i just watched an interview with you and your sisters and got a bit jealous of your union. enjoy it as much as possible cause i still dream of having a sister like you.
remember always: if we are warriors, we’ll have our reward in the end.
love
I’m so sorry to hear that Luisa. You as a child deserved so much more. We should all feel safe. Sounds like you found some ways of coping though? Even though some of them may not be something you wished for.. And I totally hear you, besides my fantastic partner and support system through family, we only have ourselves. At the end of it all we die alone. But I’m so happy I can connect with you today! From Brazil! <3 <3
What kind of approaches have you taken before in seeking help? If you’ve gone through a lot of therapists, good and bad, maybe that’s not the way you’re going to heal? Your man making you feel so much better with such a simple statement says a lot really, you’re fighting yourself over something.
I wonder if it’s time you changed tactics, the blog is probably a good way to express and explore what you’re feeling; I’ve poured my heart out on Facebook so only friends/family could read it, it’s great to get things off your chest and write them down, hopefully be understood by someone.
Maybe the ‘professionals’ aren’t helping you understand your demons, maybe they’re even confusing you? I saw a counsellor once, when I felt super low, and I walked away feeling like it was a waste of time, obviously they weren’t a good match for me. But I learned that I could find my own answers.
There’s still a lot I don’t understand, although I’m fortunate that I’ve figured out why I feel the way I do when I’m depressed or frustrated or angry. I honestly think the worst thing you can do is try to have control, there’s a certain amount of surrender or acceptance that you have to make when these feelings come out of no where and you don’t know why or how to cope with them.
I think you sound a little scared almost, that you’ll have this anxiety forever, that it controls you or stresses you out, stops you living life. I honestly think you’re so much stronger than you know. Maybe the next step is just owning those feelings, seeing them coming, bracing, and pushing through.
Fighting your demons makes you far stronger than anyone who’s never had to fight at all right?
How wonderful is it to have loved ones around to support you as well; treasure them.
True. Embracing and finding a way to accept must be the ideal way to go about it..! Hard though.. But I do get sooo much from blogging 🙂