A woman I know who has a very special space in my heart, and she has this space entirely on her own, said to me not long ago something like this:
“People were just drawn to you growing up. There’s something about you, everybody was in love with you.”
I don’t remember if these were her exact words, but down that line definitely. It was just the most peculiar beautiful thing I’d ever heard. And I grabbed it, took it in immediately.
I thought I was special once. When I was five. I specifically told my mother and our neighbors that I was, nay, knew I was special and was gonna do great things. GREAT things. I knew something everybody else did not. I didn’t know what exactly, but something..
This feeling sort of stuck for a while. Then it begins to fade. It looses small pieces and remembrance along the way. A little chunk getting yelled at in second grade for not being quiet. BIG chunk the day you walked into high school your first day. Alone. Insignificant. First time blushing. Getting your period on your final exams and therefore forced to leave early without having the courage to say why. Nobody looking up when arriving, nobody noticing when you left. You slowly realize you’re not special. You’re just like the rest of them. And you imagine you start disappointing the people who once looked up to you, like you yourself once did, because you’re only human. You’re like everyone else trying to hide that you too once had more pieces.
And then somebody from your past says something. Something that you first meet with laughter, suddenly touches you. The truth you’ve been holding on to for so many years, and now use to shield yourself from getting too excited, being vulnerable, believing what others tell you. Because your own truth tells you they’re lying. But this compliment, I haven’t received anything like it. And she stated it like a fact. Like something I should’ve obviously known?? But strangely enough I took it in. Could’ve been the champagne-haze or the rain ten centimeters from our stools on the paved sidewalk, but I took it in as mine and kept it.
I got somewhat reminded of this this weekend. Not necessarily that I was special to all of the human race (come on..), but that I was at least special for some. There are some people that saw you in a different way than yourself at that time when you started loosing your chunks. The most vulnerable of times that define you more than you wish, and now only feed your fears.
I’m not feeling very well today. You can tell, can’t you? So I’m, in my head, literally picking up those pieces. Not the crumbles, only the biggest ones. I matter. I’m noticed. I’m important. I am kind -and that matters more than my paycheck. Or my reflection of myself. I am beautiful.
I am good, more importantly I have done good. At least by some. I’m worth loving. By many! (I’ve never doubted you Vegard) I am one of a kind, and can do great things. Things no one else can ! I am Viktoria Lutterloh Aksnes, and I am special.
This also include me running home to my mum and not working for the rest of the day. But that’s fine?
After all, I am only five.
« I matter. I’m noticed. I’m important. I am kind -and that matters more than (…) my reflection of myself. I am beautiful. » (I’m literally about to write those words on a piece of paper and make a poster out of it so everyday I remember I am not really as I think I am)
All is so true.. You’re always so real in all of your posts and that’s why I enjoy (if it’s the right word when someone is actually sometimes exposing her sadness and all..) reading it. I don’t know really what to say except courage vik! You are unique and you do matters for many people! Stay strong for them!
<3 <3 <3 I will!! And you write it down!!
Done 🙂 thank you again! If you have other words like this that you tell yourself I’m all ears <3
Gosh yes. What a lovely thing to hear.
I think all the Aksnes girls are sort of magnetic; When I first found your blog I didn’t even notice we could comment here for a while. It’s been funny reading your introspections as I’ve been thinking very similar things. That self doubting is something I struggle with too, and it’s exactly the kind of out of the blue, flattering and selfless remarks from someone that picks you up and shocks you, reminds you that you do have worth. I like to think that I can give those moments back to others when they need them.
They say millennials are struggling with their egos because we were told we were special, we could do anything if we wanted it hard enough. Hence we’re all terribly disillusioned now. I’m not sure about that, it’s a big world and we’re more connected than ever, it’s easy to feel small. We’re all unique though and sometimes we just need to know that someone has noticed us.
Ultimately we’re all flames to someone’s moth.
You’ve been noticed Viktoria, all you need to do is be exactly who you are, without over thinking, just do what you will. Embrace your inner child, follow your nose, follow your heart.
I hope you feel better and tomorrow is a more magical day. <3
Oh.. <3 Thank you James. I also don't believe that, in a way. At least not for myself. Egotistical people will always be egotistical. Humble will stay humble I think. Have a good day! <3
So I need to check my ancestry!! You could easily be my sister (I’ll consider you one anyway). Feeling special is harder to accomplish as you age, for sure, unless something great happens of course (I don’t think I would allow myself to enjoy it). I told myself 8 long years ago not to get involved with a girl I wasn’t sure was perfect (or at least created a different feeling no one has ever come close to, an unknown feeling) because I didn’t want to rob someone of their special one. I have been told many times there’s someone out there that makes you breath easier, someone that makes everything worthwhile. Well I’m on my own because of the little 5yr old voice telling me I’m special and life will repay my good nature, patients and struggle. I won’t give up and I will not settle, I’m worth my weight in sonnets for someone out there. The thought occurs to me that my optimism is rare and so should she be. I’m putting a lot of faith into that little 5yr old but if I don’t listen then he will go away with much more than hopes and dreams, life may lose all meaning without him.
Hold on to him! You are worth the very best Stuart. We all are <3
I’m sorry I’ve posted twice. The first one I thought crashed and I wasn’t going to rewrite anything but changed my mind. Then the first appeared after I posted the second. You get two variations I guess. I couldn’t remember exactly what I said the first time, spontaneous rambling for sure 🙂
I discovered this blog now, by accident.
And I’m very happy of that, because people not often talk of their imperfection in a so human way like you do here. It’s something unusual and so intimate, like it’s illumined by the light of a candle. The point is that I know exactly how you feel. It’s like I’ve seen written the same emotions that I felt in such an occasion. One evening last summer, I was drinking wine with some friends of mine, and one of them , looking deeply in my eyes, told me she find me Beautiful, in both inner and outer ways. And the fact that I don’t do anything to attract anyone, makes me even more beautiful because she said that I have something that attract spontaneously, and she knows that I wouldn’t notice it because I don’t really see myself. I look at me , and I can’t really see myself. I think such opinions of others strike us like a ray of Sun that breaks through the clouds that we head into, all those fears and negative thoughts, useless, ephemeral. And I still didn’t think much of her words, but I won’t believe until I will have figured out a way to love me, and to believe I deserve love of others. All we are special in our one of a kind, but there are people who do not realize it. I hope to see my inner beauty without the need of others very soon, as well I hope you’ll see and protect it too! <3
Ps: I’ll write down your special words like a mantra to keep in mind. Namaste.
namaste <3
<3 <3 <3
I notice, i care. I dont know you personally. I can only wish to be so blessed. And im just a tiny human in this huge world, but i notice. I may not seem like much, but at least you know.
It’s harder to clean those ‘chunks’ the older you get, for sure, if you don’t lose some altogether.
I still listen to that perticular 5yr old. I’m fortunate to remain single through choice but maybe unfortunate to believe in ‘the one’. He tells me to be patient, endure the lonely times, the things you want to share can wait. You will find her someday! Foolish fairytale or wise words? I suppose I’ll find out. 8 years can make you doubt anything. I’ve made my choice and with it my bed.
I wonder where that voice is leading me- I’m not a gambling man but you wouldn’t have guessed that. He tells me to not worry about time or the odd pain, all my struggles will pay off.
IM A GOOD PERSON AFTER ALL!
I feel like I’m in a therapy session with ‘buz killington’, the same tired old lines repeated from a text book. But NO! That’s times fault, not the message! It may seem more of distant fantasy everyday but it’s always darkest before the dawn, right?! I still laugh at myself. I pick myself up.
As hopelessly romantic as I hope it sounds, I genuinely don’t want to rob someone of there special one by just ‘settling’ for ‘close enough’ (of whom will have me of course).
I listen to that 5yr old so he never disappears, not only with some hopes and dreams but also my belief in myself and others. Without him there would be no magic
<3 Vici! Stor klem fra meg!
ååh <3 så fantastisk stor klem til deg <3
“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRim619Iguc
Nice blog but my question to you is what happens when no one reminds you of this “specialness” should we tell ourselves about it or should we just keep waiting or it doesn’t even matter ?
Definitely tell yourself! Or anybody else, if you think they’re special!! The world has too many assholes pretending they’re special, and too few who know they are.
Just saw this thanks I constantly need to be reminded of these things btw your whole family is really smart and awesome people
Thid post msde me start to think lver the past few days. If i notice people alone in my classes, or feeling like this. Im going to talk with them. And compliment people more often. I love maning people feel happy. So thank you for this. You inspire me
Sorry about the typos its 2am 😰
Hi Viktoria, I am so happy to have discovered you! I think you are very creative and talented and it seems to me that you have a very special connection to yourself. I love how you communicate your feelings and I am very inspired by the clothes you make. You are a true artist who can materialise wonderful designs into amazing creations!
At first I could not understand why so many pictures of yourself however I have come to see that they are truly wonderful and compliment your written feelings! I appreciate that you share your feelings and thoughts with an unknown audience. Enjoy the good times and learn to recognise when to withdraw and nurture yourself (looks like you are on that path already). ⭐️Stella
Why does anyone take pictures of themselves?
Thanks for reading! 🙂
Good question! And why do I write to a complete stranger? 🙂 Perhaps her words and her feelings and pictures fascinate me. And I see the beautiful 5 year old Viktoria there looking at me. And suddenly I am also a little girl, momentarily vulnerable staring right back and sharing some kind of connection. Then I am suddenly back to being grown up me (a mother) wanting to hug both little girls and tell them everything will be ok. You really are special Viktoria. I am not used to sharing my thoughts with complete strangers like this. That in itself takes courage, for me anyway. Thank you for replying🌸
Let’s today hug our little girls <3 <3
Back again to say ‘chunk-picking’ has been tickling me over the last few days, it’s part of my vocabulary now. 😛
😀