I’ve actually experienced this so many times I’ve built up some sort of arrogance and mild hatred towards people who don’t have crippling problems in their lives or have gone through obstacles so big they had to change their whole way of viewing the world and the people in it, how we relate to and affect one another .
Horrible! I know. It’s disgusting.
I’m not saying that anyone’s (!!) problems are smaller than others. If it breaks your heart and ruins your day when your boyfriend never listens to you therefore leaves his dirty socks on the floor every day, I will fully support your emotions. I will listen and respect your agony. No comparison in pain, never. If it’s hard for you – I hear you bro. I’ll (try to) keep my mouth shut, but may share a thought on how you perhaps maybe possibly could open up to the idea that he might indeed be listening to you but doesn’t view the world quite like you do and prioritize differently.
Like forgetting to buy toilet paper at the shop it is not a malicious act done towards anyone. No-one gains from that and is rarely done with intent.
Our only reference in life is ourselves and our own experiences, I totally know that. I do feel though, (in this open-hearted society we’ve become, which is great), that we’ve lost a piece of the art of letting other people’s problems be their own. I think that always feeling understood and becoming closer to each other via experiences isn’t always the goal of the conversation, at least it shouldn’t have to be. And always met with it can leave you and your problems/issues/whatever it is you’re sharing feeling devaluated or taken lightly. I think sometimes the point of opening up to each other should be to learn from our differences and experience how fascinating and eye opening it can be hearing about something you never would’ve imagined could be a problem. To not try to identify with it, but take our place as a receiver of information rather than a participant in the story. A “Thank you for educating me. That sounds hard and I’m sorry you have to go through this” can be a real confidence-boost and just the validation the person needed. Give credits to their problem. There’s nothing (nothing) less motivating than telling a story at a party only to have your next of kin over there stating that the exact same thing happened to them. Guilty as charged here btw, because I’m a fucking idiot too. We’ve all done it!
Because understanding is good. Don’t get me wrong. Even if you don’t actually, it can be comforting hearing that someone gets you. It’s sometimes the only thing we can come up with as a response to something we feel is difficult to hear. And it can be nice that someone feel like they go through the same as you do, even I can feel that (rarely, but I do dabble in the pool of public emotional coalescence from time to time). What I’m talking about now has been a build up over several years of people understanding me when I knew they didn’t.
You may be causing damage in “meeting” them in their problems without intending to.
After so many years of oppressing and brushing away my problems thinking I was weak and stupid when others (clearly with the same challenges as myself, they all could “relate” to them?) could overcome them so easily. I know better now but feel hard for the desperate ones out there wondering why they too couldn’t get out of their depression once they reached their goals. Why they couldn’t stop cutting themselves like fucking Brenda did. Why your stuttering and blushing didn’t end in high school but escalated to the point of damaging your career twenty years later. Why someone’s summer-diet became near death for you.
Make sure you’re on the same page before putting yourself in the same category as someone else struggling.
I know I’ve been talking about this issue before from various angles. But just yesterday at my fave morning show it hit me when they referred to small-talk-challenges and how to get away from social uncomfortableness as social anxiety. I get offended, can’t help it. And not long ago when that dermatologist I went to asking about my health and medication etc, asking with a laugh if everyone wasn’t a little bipolar from time to time?
Funny. It can be funny. I’m game for a laugh about it. But the second it’s over, the second I leave the clinic, that pit starts to manifest and tears well up and I feel like I just stepped on not only myself and my own fight, but everyone else behind me’s. Especially those worse than me. And this is important! Because miscommunication like this can lead people to think that the stated disorder is as relatable as it is common. It leads to an uneducated population unable to recognize problems when they’re staring at them, begging to be seen. This is why #metoo is so important and feminism isn’t as normal as having an IQ over 10. When norms and certain social behavior is being passed on from generation to generation, even from thousands of years ago through art, as acceptable it becomes really hard changing people’s minds, showing them that the world isn’t supposed to look like that when that’s all they’ve ever seen.. Once we fully accept something as “normal” it’s attention drops. And we must keep the attention on “real” mental health issues (like physical health all mental health issues are just as valid as a broken leg is to a stumped toe -but you get the picture) up and rising, and not make the mistake of normalizing it too much. To a point where it loses it’s force and becomes something every person goes through. Like #metoo we have to educate that everyone is affected by our mental health, mental health is inevitable, good or bad, and we will all face challenges. But also that there are clear lines, very clear lines, separating issues caused only by environment and those only by genetics/hereditary factors. And lots and lots in between. We need to shed more light on how normal it is with challenges of that sort in life, but also protect the more severe cases from falling into the same category.
And being awkward when at a party introduced to new people, trying to slip away, is not the same as a crippling social anxiety. It is within normal range of emotions. I don’t need to be understood by everyone. I’d be undermining my struggle and I’d be making a fool out of myself and my listener. And I don’t want to lower my already embarrassingly low expectations towards human knowledge and interest in developing it’s compassion and understanding towards others, so in some cases it’s best to not encourage people. As I too, must shut the fuck up sometimes and remind myself that I have never actually had the stated issue. Like, not really.
Can we all tread a bit more lightly maybe in always concluding that we’re coming closer through sharing personal problems rather than just listening and letting them be what they actually are, personal?
Cheers, have a good weekend fellow earthlings!
Been at work all day and my brain has turned to mush; I just wanted you to know I tried to read that but I’m going to have to come back later.
It seemed insightful as usual though. x
(I took away the whole ‘aren’t we all bipolar’ part though, like people saying they are ‘OCD’ when they’re just being a little particular about something. Does that acronym translate?)
Absolutely, so offensive!
“I think sometimes the point of opening up to each other should be to learn from our differences and experience how fascinating and eye opening it can be hearing about something you never would’ve imagined could be a problem. To not try to identify with it, but take our place as a receiver of information rather than a participant in the story. A “Thank you for educating me. That sounds hard and I’m sorry you have to go through this” can be a real confidence-boost and just the validation the person needed. Give credits to their problem. There’s nothing (nothing) less motivating than telling a story at a party only to have your next of kin over there stating that the exact same thing happened to them. Guilty as charged here btw”
Wait I just had to stop here for a bit and say 👏🏻🙌🏻 Also can’t wait for your book to be out soon and auto meet you soon maybe in the upcoming months if possible 🤔👌🏻👏🏻🤚🏻
😀 <3
Yeah, I also sometimes get offended when someone says that they’re going through/went through something similar to something that I’m going through,especially when they obviously got through it very easily. It’s like they’re saying that they’re better than me.
I also hate it when people try to decide what is more “me”. For example, I wear hoop skirts sometimes. They’re fun. But my grandmother hates it whenI wear them. The other day, I wore some normal people clothes, and my granmother said, “Those clothes are more you. The — what’s it called — hoop skirt — is like a costume. Don’t wear that.”
In response, I want to say “Screw you and your messed up brain, I can wear whatever the hell I want to wear.” But she’s my grandmother. And that wouldn’t be very nice.
haha true wear whatever you want. She’s rude though. But then again most people are. Thinking about her needs and wishes for you.. way too common though 😀
“coalescence”… nice…
When I was young I experienced the frustration of having my best friend undermine the relief of my ADD diagnosis by telling me that it was normal to get distracted sometimes and that ADD was just a made-up term. Years later he admitted to me that he probably actually had ADD too, which was why he thought it was normal! Vindication.
I also had a friend who objected to diets because she felt they were disruptive to the social fabric, not seeming to grasp that my diet was not a choice but a necessity. Guess what happened? She developed her own digestive problems and how she’s on a strict diet too! I laughed in her face (we’re good friends so I can get away with that). Welcome to the Sickness Club baby. People in each category of the Sickness Club feel a sense of comradeship because no one outside can quite understand. Words can never adequately transmit experience.
It can be nice sharing experiences, good on you!
i got where you were coming from in this post. Didn’t even need to read it twice. Over here in the U.S. we’ve got two of the most misused statements that were ever created. I’m sorry and I just how you feel. If you were so sorry you would have learned from your mistake and not have done the same thing over and over again and figured I’m sorry was going to enough. If you knew how I felt most days you’d be home hiding under your bed. NO you don’t know how I feel. Thanks for letting me rant, felt good. Hope your weekend was nice.
Exactly. Rant all you want!
God Påske. To you and your husband, sisters and your mom and dad.
Viktoria……wow! I really like the philosopher you! It’s like your mind has opened up to a full spectrum of possibilities on the subject that you wish to write about. It would be such a pleasure to talk to you about your view of life and the world beyond just your blog. I mean that with all sincerity and respect, of course. I really like how you approach subjects like this one from a variable view point of not just yourself, but placing yourself into the mindsets of others. Your looking at your philosophical subject with a very wide and deep range. To be honest, this is not very common among most people. Not even close. They tend to stay safely within their own narrow interpretation of (fill in the blank). Like I had written way back on one of your previous blog posts; if you were at a café talking, I wouldn’t be able to resist listening to what you would have to say. You wouldn’t believe how actually rare it is to hear this kind of talking take place these days. Everyone seems to be entombed in their own bubble of reality. Only talking about “safe” subjects to avoid the possibility of even the slightest hint of disagreement. How can we get to know each other or even the world around us if we live in castles with no windows? I haven’t been able to see your blog for awhile, so, this was a very pleasant surprise for me. Thanks again for sharing !
“Your bottom could be someone else’s surface”…….so unbelievably and utterly true.
Kirk
Yea, one can easily get bored in social settings.. Especially without wine to entertain oneself. What a rare gift it can be, having an interesting conversation partner.
Good to hear your views Viktoria, especially as with the exception of a few close friends and family, nobody knew about my problems, I viewed it as a weakness to reveal anything and so of course, I did not experience such comments as you (nice of all the people who said over the years “Oh you do look ill” though) .
What did get to me though was the attitude of some of the professionals who tried to ‘help’ me. I appreciate they tried their best and I did air some of my ‘dusty’ but relevant problems, learn about relaxation techniques and such things as anxiety feedback loops.
I know there are specialisms in everything but it would have saved me a lot of time and suffering if they had been more aware of the tremendous effects of the Endocrine System and the Autonomic Nervous System on anxiety because they can play just as an important role as psychology (yes, men do have hormone imbalances as well)! (Mine proved to be the other thing though, sadly, not mend’able).
It felt a bit like asking a gas engineer why my television did not work, to be told “Ah, that will be down to a poor gas supply”.
Thank goodness it fell to a very enlightened family Doctor who stepped in to get some proof. Knowing is half the battle now and I am a lot, lot better!
I am very pleased I have not given anybody enough information to know where my’ bottom’ was (“Oh Matron!” (1960’s classic British comedy if anyone wonders))!
Glad you found out some stuff, it’s so encouraging isn’t it.. Hands up for good doctors!!
‘Hands up indeed’….you saying that has made me think (it was a long time ago). Your post is very topical because my Doctor said he was a ‘sufferer’ though he did not at any time divulge his level of ‘suffering’ either.
Sadly he has just very recently retired from General Practise. Perhaps we should all ask to be seen by a Doctor with ‘experience’ of what they are treating!
I think the other thing I will take away from the experience is that when we seem to be really stuck finding answers to our problems, perhaps the child has something to teach us, with the way it ‘plays with things’ to try and find solutions and answers.
Sorry Viktoria, I do not want to ‘hog’ the blog but had you ever thought that perhaps 19/20 th’s (percentages are over used) of your readers are internalising (or have internalised) their insecurities (with all of the issues you discuss above) and yet we give no thought to those who externalise their insecurities.
They are far more capable of hurting other people. (Carnage on roads/High pay at detriment to others/Elevated Status/Environmental Damage/etc.).
Is treatment available? Well governments must think not as they usually just pat them on the back and say ‘you are an inspiration to us all’, ‘well done’. (Sarcasm there).
Watch out, that person driving 5 metres behind you at 60 Kph is an ‘Externaliser’.
All of us ‘Internalisers’ should really be proud of ourselves!
Happy Easter!
Peter <3
the externalisers (like myself) have a very hard time coping, but i guess spongebob is the best way to smooth things out.
FINLAND!!!! – Patrick Star
Oh dear, sorry Patrick, no offence meant.
I feel sure though that if we know where ‘we are’ that is half the battle.
It would be ideal if we could all reach that elusive ‘null point’……I am sure we will hover
near there eventually.
The fact that you are ‘coping’ like we are ‘coping’ says a lot. A really hard core externaliser would not know they were, and so would not have a hard time coping surely?
Come on, where is Referee Viktoria ha ha. (I feel another blog subject coming on).
I have been to Norway (as far as Bodo in 1980) but not Finland. From what I have seen on the television though you are very lucky to have such beautiful country.
Keep up the struggle.
All the best, Peter from England.
hey victoria, wish you and your family a happy easter !
may you can help me, need some good norge movies like thelma or troll hunter…
what are a must have seen, do you have some ideas ?
greetings
I love Hodejegerne. Pionér is good. Den 12. Mann is brilliant. Just watched Hjemsøkt, enjoyed it. 90 Minutter.
Can’t watch KON-TIKI too many times, personally. Different genre than you’re looking for, but it makes me smile.
Do you watch series?
In that case I would recommend Frikjent and Nobel.
yup series are very welcome, i will try to find this stuff…thanks !
“occupied” is not that bad !
hodejegerne is great ! i will take a look on the 12. mann and nobel…
apropos nobel, have you seen “armadillo” danish docu about the afghanistan war, hard but a must watch… like the still underated french socialdrama “la hain”.
After reading this I need help specifically from Aurora take it as it is!
Awesome post Victoria. Your information is really important because it highlights for me at least, that one must be careful not to normalise what we don’t understand.
I often think I know what someone is going through but I really often don’t know. I just want to feel that they are being heard and I want to try and empathise somehow. I can’t help myself. I find myself wanting to try and understand their feelings and their experiences.
I have to stop myself from assuming I know how they might be feeling and I have to remember that everyone has their own reality and that they all feel things in their own unique way. And most importantly I have to be careful not to normalise what they are going through, in an attempt to make them (or me) feel better or more acceptable. That’s exactly what they don’t need. Love and respect to you Norwegian warrior ⭐️
<3
your posts keep me going during study years, and today i have finished my pharmacy degree. I would like to thank you very much for all of the encouraging (and understanding) posts. I got depression and PTSD throughout my study years. It feels less lonely in the journey when there is other who really know what the problem really feels like (ex: your posts), not even own family or close friends. Love, from Malaysia.
Safirah <3 <3 <3 Congratulations! You are awesome!!