It’s been so long since my last post that I’m starting to get withdrawals. Blogging is the one time where I find solitude and complete self-surrender. I am free for a moment.
But the last weeks I’ve been traveling. First the US with these two to shoot a video,
corset and all.
Coffee and makeup. #instagramlife
Stayed in a hotel room that made me feel SO comfortable I wanted to move in.
This view in the morning <3
And a bathroom I actually felt I could walk barefoot in without barfing.
That made me smile inwards like dis.
And when the jet lag wore off we made our way to Oslo. My loved and lost city I once called home..
It’s been a stressful couple of weeks which has lead me feeling empty and in desperate need for escape and love from my friends. Luckily I’m hosting a party tonight and will achieve exactly that. But these weeks have really challenged me. Tested how truthful to myself I really am, about where I am. Physically and mentally. Health-wise. And I found that I will never be comfortable with the level of pain I have to endure from being in public. It’s simply not ok for me and might be the only aspect of my life that I truly don’t know how to fix. And I’m a fixer. I’M A FUCKING DOER!
And this makes me so sad. And the only thing I have, which is absolutely horrible to say, is alcohol to give me relief. It’s true. No amount of breathing exercises has helped anyone with severe social anxiety that I know of. And it pisses me off to be honest.
Coming here with your “try to feel what it is that you’re really experiencing as your panic starts to escalate..”
No shit. Therapist. I’m feeling what’s happening. Total fucking panic is happening! And it’s scary. And it hurts. It physically hurts. My body, my presence, my intellect, my future and my fucking belief in my fucking self. I grieve so often over this I can’t fucking meditate without crying over this. Don’t fucking push me further with your fucking mindfulness. My mind is fucking full. Full of irrational thoughts, doubts and fears.
I also found how delicate my physical issues are. Two and a half weeks without running really threw me. I’m equally disgusted and sad for myself for that. And am now trying really hard not to be.
I also, same week, faced one of my biggest fears in life. Being a person for someone whom I love, that I myself would hate. Not that I’m going to write any further on this. But for me, who base my social life on not being a burden. Not act weird. Making others feel comfortable, as I so often am not. This really hit me hard. So I’m discussing this with my tear-canals on a daily basis. That sometimes it just might be worth it.
Ok. Now. Thank you for reading. Hope you’ll have a fabulous saturday. We all deserve it.
Here’s a pancake.
We obviously didn’t finish. ‘Cause we’re all fucking girly pussies.
im happy you finally posted (: i too noticed how long its been, i almost commented again to see where you were at! haha.
It sounds like its been a crazy eventful few weeks for you. same for me. but i think yours is more important. i wish i could just hug you and make you feel better. but im a stranger and you dont know me all that well so it would probably just be weird. Im super glad you got to be with aurora again! ill be seeing her in about 5 days now. how exciting. i just got done painting a picture of her. i posted it on my Instagram and tagged you guys in it. Ill try to give it and another to her when the time comes.
But now i must get ready, my family and i are going up into the snowy oregon mountains to hunt ourselves down a christmas tree.
have a good day Viktoria <3
“Don’t fucking push me further with your fucking mindfulness. My mind is fucking full. Full of irrational thoughts, doubts and fears.” yES, Viktoria! det her er så latterlig fucking accurate!
!!!
That outfit you made (I assume you designed/made it) is absolutely beautiful.
Can’t wait to see it your “little one” wearing on stage or in a video.
Rolf
Thanks! 🙂
oh, I forgot to ask.
What video are you guys planning to shoot if I may be so bold?
Rolf
I know how you must feel. Don´t be so severe with yourself. There is nothing to fix. Just permit bad feelings and states of panic. Don´t value them or your physical state. The less you concentrate or brood over them the more they will fade away. Unfortunately, they are not fading away continuously. There will be challenging relapses, generally with less impact. The more you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations the more you´ll get used to them. Alcohol prevents progression as you learn to deal with your problems only with alcohol. The older you get you´ll know yourself better and become more truthful. Sorry for the imperative. Just wanted to tell you what helped me.
I don’t think anyone can know how anyone feels really. Nice that that worked for you, though!
❤
Honesty is such a gift–thank you for this post, for the ways that it echoes with my own life, and thank you for your vulnerability, which shows great strength.
😀