I haven’t really asked myself this question since I started in 2014..(?) but I’ve been asked by many and given the answer I made for myself back then. Time to reevaluate. A comment made me question le blog and it’s very existence again, and as much as I get defensive I do love comments -that means we’re connecting, and that’s the whole point isn’t it??
(If you’re ever questioning the gifs on this blog btw; know that they’re most likely from the RealHousewives-franchise and that they’re the next best thing in the world)
So my answer’s always been that I started blogging because I wanted to accept myself. The blog was gonna be my effort to embrace my weaknesses and sides of myself I was ashamed of. Or rather maybe show the world that I was, in fact, not ashamed of them but fed up with the world for telling me to be so.
As a strong person / good girl / stubborn asshole it’s easy to not ‘claim’ your space and cry out loud enough in order to get understanding, sympathy and help when needed. And I guess I’ve never been a good shouter. *Presenting case of Way overdue burst appendix marked May 2014 as evidence number 1-V*
(I actually have two potentially fatal incidents due to this same stupidity)
I’ve always been strong (what does that even mean??) as well as repeatedly told that I’m strong. And I just..resented that responsibility. It may sound self-righteous but I’ve always felt the pressure of being more-than, above that, exemplary in some way.. I’ve put up with so much shit (!!) due to the gnawing feeling that I shouldn’t or couldn’t react to whatever shit I was faced with. For whatever reasons, are of lesser importance and significance. This feeling made it even less possible to say that I’m not that strong and actually say no to mentioned shit, which led me to become very sick.
Growing up anxiety and self-doubt is viewed as weaknesses, not strong suits. There’s no way around it, even today. It doesn’t matter what you and I (who’s maybe had to re-evaluate our whole sense of worth or just plainly is more philosophical than average) know to be true. The fact is that the world is filled with advice on how to become stronger physically and mentally in order to succeed. Doubt, fear and being slow’s just not qualities the masses see as good qualities. Which I get, it’s fine. It’s just so sad that it’s met with so little understanding when some people don’t feel this way. When I was committed for depression in 2008 I felt no shame. Well, obviously, I was depressed.. But I didn’t need encouragement from other’s telling me it would pass. To be strong. Words of wisdom on how showing weakness was, in fact!, a sign of strength. That kind of bullshit. For me, I just was. For me, I didn’t feel that it mattered if I was “doing” good or bad, “being” weak or strong. I was merely having a reaction to life at that point. Out of my control. I didn’t need the pressure of having to control the situation, or regaining control once the fog had lifted. I don’t see the point of talking like that, I gain nothing of that.
We all are. We just, are. It’s not that big a deal. We’re just living. Reacting to our surroundings. Some times it feels good, some times not. It drives me crazy sometimes talking to people with such a clear undertone of strive for achievement on every topic of every conversation.
Blogging in many ways has become a way of claiming the level of volume I want to have when I say that I see my self as strong based on all the facts I have regarding Viktoria. I lay it all out there and want to give each of my qualities the attention and respect they deserve and still reach the conclusion that I am strong. That I am doing ok. I see knowledge in doubt. And love and respect for myself and others in questioning agendas. I see strength in not feeling the need to prove myself. I am so proud of that. I’m blogging to say that I’m not waiting for your response, I’m not asking for your permission or validation of my actions. I want to be so good with myself that I’m good even at my lowest darkest place. That’s when I know I’ve succeeded. That’s when I’ll be ahead of you who’s only given your “best” qualities the time of day.
Writing a blog became the only platform I can be truly honest in. Because for some reasons I can’t when faced with you. How fucked up is that? Even I play a game when I walk out the doors, minutes after writing this.! But it’s fine. This is my space to vent. Thank you for listening. Now -REACT!
Ah I understand now! Encouragement so often means ‘suck it up’ and ‘stop being miserable’ mostly because of how you’re effecting others or they don’t know how to respond or help. I didn’t mean to imply any shame or suggest that you should overcome your weakness. Our darkness and despair is as important a part of us as the good times. I’ve always felt that living life despite the little voice that tells you to do otherwise is a strength!
The blog is brilliant, communication is so important, I feel like you learn so much about yourself from other people, they’re a mirror for our true selves. Being vulnerable and honest is a tough thing and I respect it immensely. I’m glad to see you appreciate the comments as much as the release of writing.
Reaction!
As I have written before Viktoria. I think having a blog is an important thing to do.
It provides a place for people to share nearly all of the key aspects of their lives and the subjects you have experienced have been, are or will be experienced by very many other people.
You carry it off with warmth, understanding and very often humour. (And yes, I can relate a little to the frustration you sometimes exhibit when you feel people do not really ‘get you’).
As a mirror held up to life, I personally think you achieve a good balance in terms of the subjects covered.
It amazes me that any of us can navigate life….we are not the same person we were a few minutes ago, let alone some years ago, either physically or emotionally and as vastly different now as you were from the child shown in your Instagram post, so you will be a very different person in a few years time.
But it is not just you that is changing but of course everybody else is doing the same and changing and this is against the backdrop of an ever changing world.
So as we all relax with our stories in this little warm, dimly lit, peaceful harbour side inn, as the cutting winds and waves crash angrily outside, let us remember that we are all prone to a little sea sickness potentially.
As James observed, many regard what some view as a problem as an advantage (Stephen Fry in a TV documentary he made many years ago remarked that he would not be the person he is if he did not have depression).
I grew up with a famous comedian often featuring on television; namely one Spike Milligan who suffered terrible personal torments, often looking very thin, tired and ill from his experiences but who had such an infectious and adventurous humour.
On his gravestone is the inscription ‘I told you I was ill’ – that summed him up exactly.
So let’s ‘share a drink’ and share some more ‘learned stories’ in this cosy little haven from the storm outside.
Peter <3 <3
LOVE Stephen Fry!!
<3
I do not know if I would call this ‘a treat’ Viktoria (and I hope the video works in Norway as it is from Aunty Beeb (BBC)) but you might find Stephen Fry’s programmes of use.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtImgnj5DN0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECv-24Ruu-o
If they don’t work for copyright reasons, let me know.
He really is a public spirited person and has recently publicised a battle with Cancer.
Peter <3 <3
I sent a couple of links to some Youtube videos on depression by Stephen Fry but they seem to have got lost somewhere in the system.
I will check back and perhaps re-send them though they are rather ‘frank’ in nature.
Here is a lighter one about Stephen Fry, poetry and depression (so I had better flood your blog with more of my poetic creations then….no, don’t worry, one is enough ha ha).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0jgg_4ELv8
Peter <3<3
Here are the links to the two programmes Stephen Fry made for Auntie Beeb (BBC) back in 2006.
He has also got involved in highlighting Cancer and HIV as these issues have affected him as well.
He is very public spirited and deals in hard realities, honestly.
I do not know how typical his case studies are of sufferers generally and as well as advising caution to a susceptible viewer, I would remind anyone that there is a ‘stop button’ on video playback.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtImgnj5DN0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECv-24Ruu-o
Peter <3 <3
About as fucked up as me who is only really me when I write long letters to cherished friends (pen on paper letters)! ! I feel that I am only half me in real life, often hiding behind myself or not mindful enough all of the time to be in the moment all of the time! A work in progress ha ha.
The connection with total strangers (and learning and discovering the many fantastic sides to you) is what makes me return always to your blog and thank you also for being so honest and vulnerable. I am grateful to be here 🙂
For en nydelig blogg! Så deilig å lese noen andre sine tanker og kjenne seg igjen. Det føltes som å gå ut i en mild og snill vår på et vis. Som å få kontakt med en tidligere utgave av meg selv. Takk!
Åååh, så fint! Takk som sier det Hege! 🙂