We all find ways to cope with difficult things. Without them we wouldn’t function and all humans would die within next Tuesday. Anger, grief, we’d either kill ourselves or everyone around us if we didn’t have alternative outlets and coping skills. I’d be dead for sure.
I have a lot of self-made coping mechanism, routines and compensating behavioral patterns in order to survive and hold my head above water on a daily basis. One of my most important one’s become running. I sometimes lie in bed unable to sleep out of excitement about where I’m gonna run the next day.
And what I’m gonna eat obviously.
When I found this huge outlet it saved me a little bit. Not alone of course, but I found an outlet for anger and pain, a place of peace. It makes me, like weird-happy. I sometimes laugh out loud while I’m running. And cry for that matter. Reaching a top, a nice view, a snowflake caught.. A smile from a stranger passing by. I often do both at the same time. I can cry after a good run, crying can be the reason why I go for a run in the first place.. I’m in my body when I run, I don’t care about anyone but myself. I’m in charge. I’m strong. I trust my body and I love it for pushing me forward with great confidence. And I seldom feel that. Above all it changed my relationship with my body and how I treat it. You need fuel in order to run. You need to eat a lot. Including carbohydrates. Which, btw, has been the victim in one of the biggest diet scams in history. There’s way worse things out there than bread. And to maximize your energy levels you need carbs. I’ve found. After fifteen years of dreading them.
You also can’t drink all the time if you’re running. Which was a huge coping mechanism for me earlier. Even when I was alone I’d drink to deal. I never do that now.
So what happens when you lose that relief?
I’ve been d.e.v.e.s.t.a.t.e.d and totally at my wits end the last couple of days after getting what I believe is shin splints in my right shin and thigh splint in my left thigh. Probably from my feet arching kinda inwards and over-doing it on hard surfaces without enough time to heal. It happened in a second though, I was totally blindsided.
The other one’s saying welcome to aging. I can’t stop crying.
So, conveniently enough (’cause I just joined the gym), I’ve had to do alternative training. Which means I have to go to the gym several times a week. Even when it’s nice outside and I could have had what I believe is the closest thing I’ll ever come to having a religious experience, a beautiful long run. I am now at the gym. Doing something I never see running as; working out. Something that reminds me of not being happy with your body and wanting to alter it for the better. I hate that. (Also get that that’s not the only reason people go to the gym. fyi.)
So now I have to get on the tram, or whatever it’s called –Bybanen, to go to my gym. Dread facing the people on the tram, in the counter, people in the changing room, god forbid bumping into someone I know, and doing all of the above all over again when I’m done. Only this time with a red face and heart pounding even faster. It’s so draining and I’m so scared of what’s gonna happen if I’m too tired of doing it. I’m in such a good place with food now and I’m terrified of that changing again. I can feel how fragile this relationship is and how willing I am to ruin my body for the cause of keeping it that way.
So I’m feeling very socially drained. And with a bit of a broken spirit. I’m not surprised how important running is for me. I am however of how much it’s absence affects me. And I know it means nothing if I have to slow down. And that it’s not a big deal, not in the long run. But things are as real as one experience it, I do believe that. So I won’t apologize for my reaction either. I’d rather shave my head than not run again. To others a shaved head would be death. And right now it feels like the ground beneath me is crumbling and I’m unable to do anything about it. So don’t even think about comparing it to something worse. I know there’s people out there with no legs or water, I get it.
The construction workers are blowing away a mountain right outside my window. Can’t help but laugh when I’m listening to it. Mountain, I get you.. You didn’t choose this. About to blow up myself.
Yesterday, on my way home from the gym, I missed the tram by about 30 meters because it hurt too much to run. I cried all the way home. On the next tram (I’m so used to crying in public at this point in my life I’m not even embarrassed about it). I wouldn’t be able to leave the house if I had to be one hundred percent sure I wouldn’t tear up over something at some point. I don’t care, I have too much stuff to care.
Mood
Also mood
Do you ever wonder what happens when you actually lose that self religious experience? I feel your pain ageing but thank god Aurora has not stopped with her music #grateful I do cry too after during runs lol
Losing that good experience of running you mean? I don’t think I will. If I do I guess I’ll stop running, or run less or do it for other reasons..?
You’re an emotional runner too? haha
Yeah the physical part but also the religious part of running losing it but not by choice? and yeah no doubt about it I would run miles and miles if needed would even do it as my job if someone would sponsor me lol having auroras music in the background
So you’re asking what would happen if I could never run again?
Yes but not you personally lol just the idea need some inspiration don’t mean to sound mean
You’re not mean!I would be crushed if I couldn’t run again. But like everything I’m sure one day it would be okay again. But wow, cannot imagine being that level of happy without running in my life.
Sounds like an important discovery; like they say, we don’t realise what we have until it goes away. Obviously this is just a blip, you will heal, you will get stronger, and you’re not *that* old! You’ll be up and running again soon.
But these trials come our way and we must overcome them. You’ve learned just how important that time was, that ritual. Did you used to run outdoors? Not the same as on a treadmill is it You don’t like the tram… Listen to your gut and move away from the things you dislike, and towards the things you give you peace and joy.
You probably know all this though. x
No, no, I’m not old I know! But the body slowly starts around 30 I guess 🙂
Hopefully it’s a quick recovery. And thanks for the hope! x
Totally relate with you about that experience when you were running. It feels like such an emotional release; as if you’re quite literally running from your troubles/fears/anxiety and it can get emotionally overwhelming for me for some reason. Have you practiced transcendental meditation by any chance? It’s helped me out quite a lot with my anxiety.
I know, that’s excactly how it feels!I’ve tried it, for a long time. I just found that it didn’t do it for me 🙂
Oh I so feel for you. I’ve always run and it’s calmed me, especially if I do it in nature. I realised I needed to run for emotional wellbeing when I hurt myself doing a long race that I hadn’t properly trained for and had to stop running. I felt terrible… emotional, weepy and depressed. It was withdrawal. Moving my body makes me feel strong and alive and able to cope, and my worst depressions are when I can’t move out of my bed or the front door. It sucks. There are people who get catatonic depression and they physically can’t move so this is real. I’m trying to get out for walks these days and push past the bitter resentment that I can’t run at the moment. But nature and walks is better than inside, dark and still, if I can do it. Good luck on getting through it and I hope your splits heal up quickly so you can get running again
Aaaah, I feel sorry for you. It’s so true, I don’t think it’s that easy to understand how bad it can make you feel unless you’re as dependent on it as we are. I also only run outside. Treadmill only when it’s icy. I don’t mind rain either 🙂
Hope you too recover fully at one point! If not, we’ll just have to try make the best of it. Have a good weekend Marty!
i walk about 50 minutes everyday cos i am impatient to get the bus, people hear this and say that i would be really fast when i can’t run 5 meters to get the bus cos my legs ache!
Ah, shame. Injured from running? 🙁
Yup, here is a hint… next time you run for the trams don’t jump over the fences cos i did and i SURVIVED! But then lost my footing and stumbled onto the platform. I still got the tram though…:)
Jeeez, careful!
My go to place is in the ocean under the water pretending to be a fish! I live by the ocean and snorkel and dive a lot and it makes me feel amazing. It’s so quiet under the water except when There is a big set of waves. I also go on long walks in nature. It hurts sometimes, after 26 kilometres of walking but I feel so amazing to have achieved this. I literally become very childlike and everything is wonderous and any pain is drowned by that feeling. You will heal and run again soon.
My husband says the same about beneath the surface, he loves diving. Sounds amazing!
I started running this week for the first time in almost a year and it physically killed me. But mentally, I was somewhat proud of myself for facing the outside world despite my anxiety of doing ANYTHING in public and being judged for not doing it “right”. I want to run more and more, for my body and my self-esteem. Have you ever experienced that when you first started running? And how did you overcome it? I’m trying to find better coping mechanisms too, life is too brutal lol
Good for you!! Proud 🙂
I started really slow. 15-20 minute runs. I still remember when I learned how to pace myself and make it through a 45 min run. It was the BEST FEELING.
Never think about speed and distance.
Try it out with no strings attached. If it’s not for you, fuck it -you tried and should be proud.
You might end up loving it, liking it or hating it. Don’t try too hard. And DON’T do it if you don’t like it. There’s so many other forms of being active that’s way easier on your body. Trust me.
Every way of running is the right way. If you’re feeling self-conscious, focus on lifting your head and looking forward, lean forward a little bit (use gravity), shoulders back and slow down. That was my main issue starting. Going too fast. You’re already winning, remember that -you’re out running! That’s pretty awesome.
If you find yourself overthinking it I’d put on some music too. Something that’ll make you smile. I also started with small loops ending or staying close to home. So that you know that you can always stop. Be that after 2km, 5 km, 10km -whatever! I love knowing I can “build” on my run if I feel like it 🙂
Good luck, and Happy running!