Went to the doctor yesterday, apparently the previous guy quit. But hey, just another guy gets to see my vagina right? Life smiles to me.
But I like him! He got me sessions with this psychologist he knows (since I didn’t really vibe with my previous one), and gave me pills for my hives. Notice I can still call them my hives. Any longer I would have been it’s body. The hives’s. Because it’s all over my entire upper body. And it feels as great as it looks. Fucking burns.
But still have skin and am able to move around freely. So still stoked about that. Even though have now skin like turtle.
I’ve always wondered, when writing that something is something else’s, let’s say a house. Do you say it’s the houses’ or house’s, or something else? Because the last one is something that the house is. Isn’t it?
Had to work out at home. Because running in this slushy snow ain’t happening. So that’s a bummer. But am able to move and not weak or in wheelchair. So again not such a bummer after all.
Had to fill out a form to decide what type of a psychologist I needed, no surprises there, but it got me thinking after seeing how high my scores were on anxiety related issues. I’m so used to having anxiety and consider my life so much better now than earlier, I don’t think I even recognize how much energy I use on it. I always just assume it’s other stuff that makes me so exhausted.
So, to which extent does it really affect my everyday life? Minutes earlier, in the waiting room, I was sweating, unable to sit still, biting nails, grinding teeth, blushing -I actually cried a little in front of the rest of the people waiting.. I figured at the doctors you can do anything. You’re obviously there because something’s wrong with you.
Look at this cup the little one gave me for Christmas. Is it evergood? I think it is.
I’m scared I’m going to meet someone I know at the grocery store, will the cashier talk to me? (please don’t let it be a man and he starts flirting with me) Will my card work? (instantly reminded of work and question self-worth and importance in this world) Will I slip in the snow on my way home, exposed to all the cars driving by? Will I meet a neighbor in the hallway when I’m walking up those four floors to get to my apartment? It doesn’t matter how many times I check, I always run to the mirror the moment I get in to see if my foundation didn’t rub off somewhere along the way, my fly’s open, my skirt caught in my pantyhose, my hair like Miranda in sex and city’s (season one), if I look fat or something else. If I look bad or stupid in any way. (I do also feel beautiful, strong and great at times, just not to discredit myself entirely)
Look at this Christmas-hairclip. I’m beautiful.
These ‘little’ things that pushes me to be this person I don’t necessarily like. A person with her eyes fixed to the ground running through life scared to stop.
A person who forgets her rights because she doesn’t feel she has the right to be here.
Cancelling appointments more often than she goes through with them. (I think a lot of us do that btw, making appointments when feeling confident – dying when the day actually arrives). It’s never a good feeling. Because you feel weak or depressed, that’s why you can’t go through it in the first place (your lunch or whatever), and end up even weaker and more depressed after sending that heavy message that you’re again cancelling and will not be able to make it.
A person who lashes out, most of all to her loved ones.
Such a bummer.
I don’t want to be that. I’m not that. I get tired from it. And feel defeated, over and over again. But it is better than earlier, it really is. And I wanna continue that journey, get even better. I live once and wanna be GREAT. Get rid of that anger. And I don’t think that’s a selfish or narcissistic thing to do, choosing to work on and focus on yourself. Earlier they all just got over it. Lots of people people still do. But they hit a wall at some point. They have to take time off from work. They get pains in their body from stress due to something going on with them that they’re unaware of. They lash out. They get divorced. They drink. Take painkillers. They feel guilty. They project their feelings of inadequacy onto others. They don’t recognize love, nor able to keep fulfilling relationships with others. They’re desperate. They take their own lives.
So work on it. Never settle. Like maybelline, you’re worth it.
I admire you and how brave you are for talking things so personal and maybe not confortable to talk about. I have anxiety and reading your blog helps me dealing with it..thanks ☺
<3
Yes, I think it is difficult to share like this online. Bravo for doing it and I’m guessing that it is also theraputic.
Very 🙂 Thank you!
“house’s” is possesive for singluar and “houses’ ” for plural. A contraction doesn’t always use one ” ‘x” (does it have a name?) for one word only, as in “she’s” it stands for “is”, but in “let’s” it stands for “us” 🙂
Enjoying your blog, I’ll make sure to read it all once I find som leisure time!
Thanks!
Wow…
I struggle with telling some of my closest mates about personal issues I do not know you can tell yours freely. I admire that!
The more I say it out loud, the less the fear of it gets. The experience may be as painful. But it feels a bit easier. For me at least!
That seems like something I should take to the heart…
Damn Viktoria you struck a nerve. I’m so afraid to to go out sometimes just because I never know how I’ll react to anything unpredictable. I spent 12 years in our Army doing things that the regular guys couldn’t do and I can’t control my own thoughts and emotions. What really pisses me off is I can remember what I was like before but I can’t get that guy back. I got a new psychologist too my last one couldn’t handle Detriot said the city was too scary. Plus side is that I met the new one before once in Afghanistan and once in Heidelberg that’s where we worked from. So he knows, that’s a big deal he just didn’t study it he lived it too I hope I can get some better results with this treatment cause this guy a real bad ass. This is going to hurt but it might help. Tell your sister Thank You the small bits of peace I get from music is worth it’s weight in gold . Sorry for babbling so much I’m just thankful that I’ve got somewhere to vent and not be judged
Not at all, thanks for sharing that with me. Sounds like there’s hope for the new guy, let me know how it goes if you want!
I will tell her <3
Crazy how life works aND gotta say Aurora’s music is my only True doctor although my muscles and body say different. 🤔😕
Also I wonder do you ever listen to your sisters songs to feel better cuz she got alot of good ones ? Especially when we lash out or at least me
I listen to her when I run! Strikes the power nerve as much as the sadness in me <3
Sucks for me wish I was on your level I can only hear her in sorrow times and even happy times makes me feel sorrow