Last week I had three panic-attacks. Which is equivalent to what I experience throughout a whole year, maybe. Brought on by very different reasons, but all got me thinking how fragile we are and how hard it can be to receive help. It also brought the harsh reminder of how much it hurts and how fear of anxiety fuels anxiety itself.
It is really hard to trust and start over again after your prophecy has fulfilled itself. Your fear of a certain situation turning out in the worst possible way has become true. -Now what? If you’re living with panic anxiety or/and (in my case) social anxiety (which is not all that common a thing btw; it’s a disorder which affects around 15% of the population), you live in more or less constant fear of your bad experiences happening again. I fear it just about every day of my life.
To people who hasn’t experienced it: you feel like you are going to die. Which would understandably be terrifying for everyone. And during all of this, to have people around you not understanding, belittling or dismissing the situation.. it makes my heart bleed and my eyes roll back to the point of which I can see my temporal lobe just thinking about it. And almost glad that I have it. So that I can at least respect and feel total sympathy for the person going through it. The feeling of suffocating is “only” the result of physical discomfort and pain over a period of time (be that seconds or several hours. Except panic attacks. Those fuckers hit you like lightning from clear sky on a bright summer fucking day). It leaves your body exhausted and your mind fatigued. It’s been a week almost since my last one and I’m still drained.
I just used a phrase ^ start again because that’s what it feels like after incidents like this. Sometimes you can see it for what it really is; a bad experience, and move on. Other times you’ll regress. Feel like everything you thought you knew was wrong and you must indeed fear those situations. And that feeling can be paralyzing. I can stay in for a week at times after having a panic attack. Why wouldn’t I when people out there can make me feel this way? Wouldn’t you?
I’m trying really hard not to diminish people who haven’t gone through the same’s understanding and compassion, I really am. ‘Cause I’ve seen people making fun of it, of me, anxiety disorders.. I’ve been laughed at before, and I’ve been laughed at now. Again your fear has been proven right, so how can you trust anyone not to make fun of your disorder again? It’s a horrible feeling. Imagine coming home from war with no-one understanding why you’re so affected by loosing a leg. I hate comparison and am obviously not good at it, but people don’t get it! So I’ll use this farfetched one. The principles are the same -you’re traumatized while others laugh at your feelings telling you you should be happy to be alive. No harm done, right? So to trust someone again, when your other leg’s about to be amputated (hahaha ? -bad at comparisons), it would be hard, yes? Why would you even tell anyone how it feels?
I guess what I wanna say today is this: If you don’t understand something, at least take people seriously for whatever they’re hurting for. And for you going through something; Reach. Out. I called the little one in one of my incidents last week and she jumped in a cab to find me sobbing at a cross section. Even though my immediate reaction was to never want to see anybody ever again, I know from past experiences this won’t do any good and have learned to reach out. Anxiety hates daylight. And company. Call someone and get it out. (If you have no one you can write to me if it helps <3)
Nothing is ever stupid.
If it feels real to you – it’s as real as a car crash.
You’re not weird.
You’re not weak.
Someone feels the same and you’re not alone.
Choose your friends wisely. Only you know what’s best for you.
You can always leave the room. If you’re scared of how people will react just say afterwards “I wasn’t feeling very well and had to leave the situation”. You won’t believe how many people didn’t understand me or respect me for simply saying “I’m not very comfortable in this situation, I’ll just step outside for a moment” : NO ONE. If you own it they’ll respect you for acknowledging it. People’s perception of us is very much affected by how we carry and feel about ourselves. It’s not a weakness to have fears -you’re defying it and already winning (shhh, this is a secret).
Never apologize.
You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe yourself to take care of yourself.
Try not to let it control you. Remember that it was a thought and/or a isolated physical experience -you weren’t really dying. It wasn’t really dangerous even though it felt like it. This is crucial to understand in overcoming anxiety.
With that said, I never said I knew everything about overcoming anxiety disorders. Nor that I’ll ever be cured. All I know is that I do stuff I wouldn’t dream of doing three years ago. I know in my heart and body how to deal with uncomfortable (potentially life-treathening situations), it’s almost a reflex now. And I know how to recover from the rare extreme incident and not blame myself for it or feel stupid. I also know I can easily cut out whatever’s causing me unnecessary stress. That’ll give me surplus of energy to deal with the challenging stuff that I can’t avoid, like work etc.
Prioritize! Heal when you can, gather your troops and give yourself a real big dosage of love. You’re doing great, you’re still here and you actually know yourself and others a little bit better for it.
Have a lovely weekend, I’ll be keeping a low profile with my man knowingly that I’m still fit for fight and stronger than ever. Just a different fight than that of the average Joe’s.
I had a panic attack yesterday.. I think i’ll read that post over and over again until my mind integrate it
Do that!! <3 <3
Yeah… i feel you girl… i had three attacks last year too, but i’m getting better now.
At the moment i’m always trying to get my mind busy, to keep the bad thoughts away.
Please don’t approve this commet.
On the subject of keep my mind busy, i sent you DM on instagram, I don’t know if you blocked or if you don’t even saw the the DM.
If you saw and blocked, I don’t mind, i know that a lot of people try to talk with you, and i’m totally fine if you don’t want to be bothered, so ignore the rest of the comment.
In case you didn’t saw, i wanted to ask something about you blog.
I’m a web developer, and i see some things wrong on your theme.
As i said i’m trying to keep my mind busy those days.
So if you want i will love to help you with anything on your blog.
I very experienced with wordpress so i can do almost anything so if you want hit me on instagram or by email.
Cheers and best wishes.
Yes, I don’t do DM on Instagram, but thank you, that’s so kind of you to offer! I am setting up a new website, a proper one, just been lazy about it. So I’ll sort my shit out soon, haha! But thanks again <3
hehehe you don’t need to sort your shit out, your shit is already amazing the way it is, it’s just some things that i see with the web dev eyes, other people don’t really even care, the most important thing is the content (and is really good by the way).
Well, if you need anything, you are very welcome to ask for anything.
In the middle of my current storm I just feel very happy to be useful.
🙂
åh, dette innlegget. ♥️ viktoria!! takk.
<3 <3 <3
This text was beautiful…thank you for the words Viktoria!!! sending all love for you :*
<3 Love back to you!!
Thank you for this! I don’t have to deal with an anxiety disorder, but sometimes I go through things that nobody can understand. I get really mad and people think that it was just “random” or “unprovoked”, but something did happen that made me feel that way. They get angry when I yell and express my feelings in ways that aren’t harmful to other people. When I was little I would punch someone if I was mad at them. Isn’t yelling better than that? CAN’T I JUST YELL AND GET THIS THING OUT OF ME?! I can’t concentrate and just generally don’t like it when people stand in a place where I can sense their presence and it feels like they’re invading my privacy and personal space, even though they might be five feet away. When I ask people to leave me alone or tell them that they’re being annoying, they generally say something along the lines of, “I’m just standing here! Why do I have to leave?” And that is a ridiculous question, especially when this person knows me well, because when someone asks you to leave them alone or give them some space, you should respect their request. Even if it doesn’t make any sense to you. Saying “leave me alone” or “go away” and someone not respecting your wish is almost like telling someone to stop doing something that you aren’t okay with and then they don’t stop. So: stop means stop, no means no, and go away means go the fuck away.
Anyways, thank you for this because it’s nice to know that someone else understands what it’s like to not be understood, if that makes any sense.
I relate so much to this..! I really feel you. And yes, express yourself -YELL if needed. All though exhausting. But hey, being angry is fucking exhausting anyways..
We’re at least together in having our own different experiences and choosing to respect each and everyone else’s <3
<3 <3 <3
Wow I totally agree with this whole post 💯 I get it im with you on this but having said that I don’t want to say I get you cus I know no one really truly understands anyone just yourself but in some level I can understand you i guess I’m not alone is what I’m trying to say. Btw I also haven’t had a a panic attack in such a long time but I feel like one is approaching just by seeing all these ig pics of Aurora going around countries but never in my city but like I said before no one understands why I have so much love for her and about understanding people is what I like to do try to understand patients is a virtue I truly believe that. you should here the song average joe by Kendrick Lamar maybe he can be another person who inspires you. 💯 really like that song.
I don’t think that’s a panic attack you’re sensing.. Panic attacks happen suddenly and very quickly, so.. But I hear you, it pains you not to be able to see her. Maybe you can save money and travel to see her one day?
No I assure you it might just be one except this time I have trained myself for actually making it seem as if I know when it might come preparing myself and meeting Aurora is besides the point just wanna say that your writing/reaction is my reaction in a positive way really liked your title 💯👌
Gosh, that was a powerful post. I’ve not experienced anything like that; I’ve had my breakdowns sure but nothing so paralysing. I’ve never understood people who don’t have the empathy to understand that what you’re feeling is very real to you, and sympathise, and support you. Seems like a natural thing to do. I don’t think they spare much time to think of anyone but themselves. Or people that compare, or compete with your feelings… like OK. Can’t we both be going though stuff, why do you have to win the who feels most shitty award??
I’m glad lil’ sis is there for you; I saw in an interview many moons ago she said she wasn’t an angel, I think she was lying. 😉
Maybe you’ve got your attacks for the year out of the way now eh? Chin up Viktoria, stay strong!
I know, right? I don’t think so either, that they think very much about anyone else than themselves. Which people will see first thing when they go through something and need support. Anyways! Thank you <3
That was a very brave thing to do Viktoria, to expose a open wound like that for the world to read. I was rather shocked that your disorder and my ptsd can manifest themselves with almost identical symptoms. I guess as complex as the human brain is it’s only got so many ways to say “ouch that hurts”. I don’t know how long you’ve suffered with this thing my guess would be a long time. I looked at your Instagram posts and that one picture of you as a young girl, well that pain was in your eyes even then. I’m going to let the guys and girls in my support group read your post if that’s alright with you. i think it’s important for them to know that there’s someone in the world that really gets what we go through every day. You may have never picked up a pistol or a rifle but you’re a warrior, you’re one of us now.
Thank you, I feel good after saying out loud. After almost a decade without accepting it. So many similarities, right? In so many disorders/challenges..
Thanks for open yourself so honestly, Viktoria. I have social anxiety too. Your words give me strength and peace.
By the way, that comparison with legs was pretty good 😀
😀 <3
Hi Viktoria.
This is a much quicker re-contact than I was expecting.
Could I just ask a question please?
Is the only difference between a panic attack and panic the onset and the over breathing.
I had panic sessions from 1978 to 1999 which ramped up for days before eating in restaurants, birthday parties, weddings, business meetings and courses and visits to friends houses etc.
As you correctly say, eating outside informally not too much of a problem.
Nearly totally debilitating, micro shaking, mental confusion, cold sweat, fatigue.
Even with that nobody understood.
So sad really because going out for meals is classed as a treat whereas to me it felt like a death sentence.
I really am not boasting but I don’t know how I got out the other side (as much as one ever can).
Peter💗
That’s anxiety. Be that social, general or agoraphobia perhaps? Panic attacks happens very quickly. At times for no apparent reason..
Hmm. Yes, thanks Viktoria. I see what you mean.
You see I was able to calm myself in the ‘ramp up’ phase with meditation although had I gone somewhere not expecting to eat and then be faced with it, it was of course a different matter. A little wine or half a tranquilliser were my backup (then I could not remember what had happened at the event very clearly).
Luckily I did not have the problem with breathing though. That must be frightening.
Panic is caused by us being forced into a situation…I wonder how you would be if you were in a smaller population with people who had known you since childhood and possible your parents since childhood. (Look at Bergen’s population rise since 1900…see what I am getting at)!
We are living in these huge population densities when we were designed to live amongst tens or hundreds of people.
We also have all sorts of stresses piled upon us that are not natural and they are increasing.
Towns and cities have become ‘singularities’ (homage to a great man who lived only 12 miles from me) and we get sucked over the ‘event horizon’ for economic reasons and ideals of ‘high culture’. (Though with the nervous systems of ‘Hunter/Gatherers’).
(I laughingly imagine you sitting by a wood fire, stitching hides with stinging nettle twine, Miranda making unguents and balms from herbs and making up faces with charcoal and ‘the little one’ beating a hollow tree trunk with a stick whilst singing sweet songs to entertain you….don’t tell them will you (we have to have a bit of fun)).
I heard the results of a psychological survey the other day (I just wish I could remember on which British radio station) which said that new studies had revealed that many city dwellers are less psychologically happy than their country dwelling ‘cousins’. I have to admit, that came as something of a surprise to me as all of the government funding seems to go towards cities and they are held high as examples of how we should be living in the future.
Personally, I think you have no reason to doubt your reactions. They are perfectly valid and sound and with pollution, water shortages and yet higher populations predicted ‘there may be trouble ahead’! We may all be long lost cousins but we question other’s intentions and their possible reactions to us because we do not have close bonds of co-operation, forged over many years.
Peter <3
Yeah it’s pretty fucked up how we live our lives. But I have an ANXIETY DISORDER, cannot stress this enough. I get panic attacks when there’s only me and my husband around / me and my sister. There is a huge misconception that sosial anxiety disorders and panic attacks are something everyone experience due to the busy lives we lead and the pressure society puts on us. I can get panic attacks being all alone. Shortness of breath, stress, feeling anxious is within normal reaction.
I see this all the time btw, it’s not just you 🙂
Thank you Viktoria for your understanding of my misunderstanding. (We (nearly) all see each other’s experiences through our own …. I am working on it, honestly).
I can now appreciate why it is very unpleasant for you, sorry, and I understand your frustration at not being understood. (That is the problem not speaking face to face but you are about 600 miles away behind my neighbour’s conifer trees I think. Ha ha).
I have not looked at all of your historical posts but I assume you meditate and that it is a ‘rock solid’ time when you do not have anxiety problems?
(As long as I allowed time to relax after a session of specific anxiety, I was fine with it.
I shall not prejudge your findings however with your type).
We can use it as a way of generally de-stressing (and very enjoyable and rewarding I found it too). If we knew what triggered the attacks (which we obviously don’t) then I was told it is possible to work through some of the issues using it. (Though obviously that involves gently engaging general thought processes).
I am not a Psychologist; don’t pretend to be and do not want to harm anyone no, no , no,! but could it not, I wonder, be used as a sort of ‘Safe Mode’, for proving the integrity of our ‘hardware’ and basic mental functions (I think, ‘Maintaining Body Function’ (same as any living organism), ‘Love’ and ‘basic awareness’ (for organisms with intelligence) but you may think of other headings).
If you have managed to do it (meditation) up until now, you already know the answer. That is very, very important progress. It is the ‘core of you’.
Your ‘Safe Mode’ holds good and solid, it is as it is.
If you are OK with meditation, then your problem must be somewhere in your ‘day to day’ psyche.
As you say in one of your other blogs, you need a trained psychologist who can dig down and find the root cause of your anguish and resolve it.
(I would make a terrible one, I am far too frightened of hurting people, far too soft, and anguish deeply about what I have said to them (oh dear, here I go again saying this to you), though I appreciate through personal experience, as I think you do, sometimes it sadly ‘hurts’ a bit to do any good).
I hope I have caused you no pain, and like you do so well with us all, just have the intention of trying to help a fellow traveller.
Peter <3
I’ve troubles communicatin’ but for this post, thankee. tim s.
You ought to be writing a book, the world ought to know your knowledge
I AM!! 😀
I appreciate you so much.
*hugs*
❤️❤️ have good rest time
Hugs back to you, Alyssa!! <3