I’m going through the change.
Wow that felt good. Saying that out loud.
I feel it on the tip of my fingers, thumbs moving as slow as your feet would in a nightmare running away from something horrific in what can only be compared to a syrup-like ocean of despair and regrets. Moving along my arms with such force leaving me just a numb spectator in disbelief whilst it’s branching from my shoulders onto my back. Spreading, sending chills down my spine, its sensation so unusual.. This is unknown territory and I’m left as intrigued as scared.
It’s been just over a week since my first thought of the change hit me. Like with the kind of fear and confusion one experiences when faced with a life-altering 180 turn like quitting one’s job or spontaneously taking a vacation, doing botox.., because all your idiot friends tells you that you “need to” or “earned it”. A shock followed by rejection but also a bit of curiosity.
I diagnosed my discomfort straight away and knew that this was something I had to meet head on, full throttle. Guns blazing. The anxiety, the night-sweats; worrying if I was doing something wrong or going about this from the wrong angle. Forgetting something… Was I loosing my mind? Had my actions, or rather action, of late leading up to this moment, this moment when my whole life would change forever, been vital mistakes? The words.. Oh, the words so difficult to form and make visual.. Would I forget how to?
I’ve been soul-searching since it happened. I realize it’s basically only been a long weekend (perhaps longest weekend of my life), but it happened so fast and fierce and hit my body so relentlessly I’m sure it’ll leave permanent scars I’ll have to deal with and hide forever. Hide the fact that I’ve in fact gone through the change and this hasn’t always been me. I used to be of something else. Better?, I don’t know. Who’s to say. Will I ever blend in into this new category of people known for its protection of its fellow members? Or will I always, scars glowing and with slightly slower communication skills, stand out like a sore, wrongly altered thumb..? Guess it doesn’t matter at this point. All I can do is look forward. Learn how to accept and find peace, manage and control, then eventually equip myself with the appropriate tools to cut corners I’ve so arrogantly floated by in the past. Before the change. Oh, how this will dictate my timeline from now on..
B.C. -Before change.
A.C. -Much needed.
I’ll have to adapt and say out loud with pride and without fear
I’ve gone through the change.
I’ve gone from Samsung to iPhone.
Well Viktoria…..that’s done it!
I admit total defeat.
I read the title; thought:- oh my goodness, does Viktoria really mean ‘The Change’..not common at your age but ‘Women’s Hour’ on the radio features such things……
I will jump to the end.
NO I WON’T….the descriptions of what she is feeling/experiencing are so gripping. I have to follow the narrative.
Then I get to the last words, ha ha. What a clever, hilarious construction!
If you were wanting to take a break from the ‘day job’; who knows, you might find yourself writing a Norwegian thriller (with a touch of humour).
Thanks for brightening my evening.
Peter <3
(Strangely I have been contemplating 'choices' recently (not Samsung/iPhone) how we so proudly think they are ours to make…. malleable like butter soft, bloused silk; yet observed from a slight distance they are as hard and inflexible as an armoured bright-steel breast plate….(If we were to go back to the first human 'pokey stick' or knapped flint, and re-run our 'adventure' would we still end up at this environmental hiatus? You would think it so easily avoided; I really do wonder, I really do wonder. Choices don't seem to work like that)!
Haha! Glad you enjoyed it!
wow, I’ve recently been doing some deep soul searching with identity and how I present it. This is scary for me because it changes the people I choose to be around and I am scared that because I have not always been this way and I have changed I fear that I haven’t gone into this lifestyle slow enough and that I don’t match them on the inside even if I look like them and may never. I’ve been thinking a lot and now I think this deeply about small decisions as well. I feel an urge to decide whether this is overthinking and whether it’s bad or good. I want to either indulge in it or try to remove the way I think and I expect to figure this out but maybe I don’t have to and maybe I’ll let fate take this one.
Viktoria, you had me right up until the end. I was thinking surely not, she is a young woman, vibrant full of life, this can’t be right. Me being male and completely oblivious to the “Change” well not really my wife has gone through it many years ago, you had me hook line and sinker. Good news on the new iPhone (original phone still AWOL)? I’ve always had an iPhone and wouldn’t swap it. xx
Haha! Yes, still going rogue. OTG. MIA.
i’m not on insta, so… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i93Z7zljQ7I
… the last pic is the outside view of the “Cosmic microwave background” we dont know what is “behind”, so we don’ know how big the universe is, we even understand around 7% of the detectable matter, and we dont know when the next newton-einstein caesura comes…so… 😉