Oh my, so much has happened lately. I’m left completely empty. Not that I’m complaining, I just need to get this down real quick. I’m just at a What’s the fucking point of it all?- juncture. I mean we work and we work not only to survive at this point in time but for the pleasure that awaits at the end of it all. And the work that we do makes less sense than it used to because they’re mostly just answers to man-made problems, – you need that extra motivation. It’s no longer the need for survival or matter of life and death of ourselves and our communities that drives us away from our families ten hours a day; we’d be fine without at least 50 per cent of the occupations that’s been created over the last hundred years.
I’m sure.
…
So in order to not stop and look at the bread and butter already on your table you need rewards to keep toiling away without questioning why the f, you need that knowledge of a bigger house waiting on the top of the hill. That trip to the Bahamas, that stress-free life and expensive spa treatments with your girlfriends also not questioning their lives..? I mean if you’ve got a job doing something that actually makes sense like farming or something, and you’re earning enough to stay safe, healthy and fed.. why go the extra mile? Why try be extraordinary.? The obsession of feeling not only a respectable amount of happiness but totally and utterly fulfilled can be so depressing and seems at times unachievable compared to the amount of work you’ve put into ‘getting there’.
Right now there’s been a lot of work, lot of tension without release. My anxiety’s through the roof and I can barely buy groceries without needing to glue my broken self back together the minute I’m back in the car. As Carrie would I too can’t help but wonder.. Is the balance and presence of tension and release so consequential that the universe/destiny/energy will create alternatives once one or the other’s missing?
I need a fucking break, bye
Oh Viktoria. I had planned to send you a different message but reading your blog just now has left me ‘pole-axed’. I think you have been looking in my head!! (Yuk)!
I thought it was more or less, just me that thought that way.
The thing that drives us to ‘want’ and ‘achieve’ and even elbow and trample others out of the way is a deep desire for ‘purpose’….a deep insecurity.
I suppose all living things have the need to increase their number until things start running out but we humans spoil our planet (and even space now) by trying to achieve wealth and ownership of things and experiences. I suppose that is because we have a greater ‘intelligence’.
I have come to the difficult conclusion (totally against the gigantic opposing flow) that there is no future in ‘having’ everything and really my purposes are best served if I am just a ‘Witness’ to all that is in my life (and of course trying to help other’s on the way if I can).
The desire for ‘stuff’ and travel’ will eventually bring the human race to it’s knees no matter how many electric cars we drive or solar panels/wind generators we make or money we have in the bank.
I am not ‘one’ but maybe there is something to be said for Buddhism??
I am glad I do not feel so alone in my thoughts now.
Peter <3 <3
P.S. Strange that it is possibly just Humans, Magpies, Jackdaws and Bower Birds that think Gold is of any interest.
(I will have to send that other message later perhaps).
Buddhism makes more sense than most religions in my opinion..! Would definitely be one if I had to be religious.
I know, I totally share the same view.. Electric cars won’t save humanity at this point. Haha, but we’re cute for trying and hoping. ‘Cause without hope.. :/ 🙂
Nice here isn’t it?
A microcosm of life…alone here together.
I’ll go and get the tea and biscuits (I wonder if everybody got lost with the URL change (it was on Instagram))?
Well (thumb twiddling), here is what I was going to send you so now might be the right time?
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‘Hello Viktoria.
As I was digging my potatoes on Sunday morning, I was dangerously thinking of other things (it happens when you find yourself nearer to the frayed, faded end of the material roll than the fresh, tightly woven end; humour me)!
You being a Cloth-smith and with the Christian name Viktoria, the word ‘Viktorian’ could denote ‘Not just a style, but an epoch’.
You could also launch a new range called the ‘Empire Range’ perhaps with each piece named and themed upon a country of the old British Empire. Original design elements from each country but ‘Viktoria’d’.
Then of course, there is ‘Viktoriana’ anything designed, made or materially associated with you!
Anyway, I only got a quarter of the potatoes I got last year, so I guess they can join us in NOT liking hot weather much either!
With the gardening allegories this is all getting a bit like that enigmatic film ‘Being There’ isn’t it? (I’m working on the ‘walking-on-water’ bit, but it still has to be frozen first, (at the moment anyway)).
Peter <3 <3.'
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I suppose the gardening bit is relevant to your post and the mention of the film 'Being There' because it is a reminder that there are basic things in life that really are important to maintain life.
More tea Viktoria?
I’m so confused Peter, not gonna lie. And christian? My name comes from victory.
‘Confused’ Viktoria…Aren’t we all? Wonderful isn’t it?
Even with basic school science we learn that nothing is quite what we think it is and then put psychology into the mix and it gets even better!
As I have got older, I have found it harder to get fed up with ‘life’, because it is something I understand less every day!!
The very important thing is that you, me and all of your other wonderful contributors/followers are here to freely compare our thoughts, feelings, fears and notes.
I just hope they can navigate the change from the old web address to the new.
As for the ‘Christian Name’ bit, In England, our first names are called our ‘Christian Names’ but maybe with the American influence you may know them as your ‘Given Name’? (You do not have to be Christian, I am not (even though I am a ‘Peter’ (and very far from a Saint’))!
Peter <3 <3
P.S. 'Victory' H.M.S. Victory–famous sea battles, Trafalgar; famous crew members Nelson, Hardy? Not really good names for a range of clothing are they?? Oh well what a whimsy.
I want to say something really insightful and interesting but I just can’t get my brain in gear!
I get what you’re saying though and I think you can come at it from a few angles. Firstly dear god yes modern life is a disaster! Everything is owned by somebody somewhere and they want money for it, how’d you get money? Well you sell your life away a slice at a time so you can make it, but really you’re making somebody else richer than you are. It’s not exactly motivating!
Don’t we all just want to go back to simple times where work meant breaking your back, working the land, hunting, foraging, cultivating… The fruits of your labour are… well fruits probably. 😛 Probably not, there’s a lot of positive points to civilisation. In theory everybody gets to do what they’re best at, and we enjoy a smorgasbord of products and services!
Finding your niche isn’t always easy though. I feel we live in a very meritocratic world, one where you’re handsomely rewarded by doing some thing, really well. The rest of us who are a bit mediocre? Well, we get to go on with our humble little lives.
Personally I’ve never really aspired to much more than living simply; fed, watered, housed. Friends, food and fire. What more do you need?
I guess what I’m getting at is, are your goals the issue, or is something making the journey harder than it should be? Are you expecting more, better? I know myself the horrible feeling of pointlessness that comes from pouring your energy into something and getting nothing in return. Better luck next time. Keep trying.
Either way, I hope you feel some of the rewards soon. You deserve it after all.
Nothing wrong with having goals, I’m very comfortable with mine. My disorder however has granted me with a milder depressive period, and that makes everything seem pointless. I’m not getting nothing in return, I just don’t feel satisfied emotionally.
Ah, that’s an awful place to be. I spent about a decade like that!
These things do pass though; do everything in your power to bring about change and you’ll get through.
You have good people in your life, I know you’ll feel brighter soon x
Spent a decade like what?
I hate encouragement like this.
Not encouragement, life is just like that. Ebbs and flows. I mean I would like to say something to you that resonates, or offers perspective, or gives you a chuckle. If I piss you off then, well it’s not what I was going for. I’m a stranger after all I don’t have a good read of you, but it’s not my intention to be saccharine or condescending.
I say a decade or probably longer, truthfully, I have felt like almost all the effort I’ve made has been for nothing. I’m not sure if it’s bad decisions, bad luck, or just a flawed perception of reality. Who knows. I have to force myself into doing most things because I don’t have much faith in them working out. But strangely I am at heart an optimist.
So coming full circle that’s what I mean. You will feel better, certainly you will feel different at least. You may feel worse, but these things are phases. Happiness is not a destination you work towards, it’s a state that comes and goes. When you get life on track hopefully you will find more of those moments.
Please bear with me, I find writing nuanced things to be very tricky and often get it wrong!
If I had the power to, of course I would use it and make you feel the way you wish you could. I’m not a therapist, and I can’t see your pain through the screen. Body language is a huge part of communication and we don’t have that luxury.
This might seem like a strange question but why do you blog? Are you venting, does it help you to explore your mental condition when you type out. Do you want sympathy?
You’re going receive a mixture of opinions and perspectives from people leaving their musings in response, and I sense your frustration, or maybe defensiveness, as I read it anyway. I don’t want to feel like anything I say has been negative, because I want to understand, and I would like to offer you something, useful?
Does that make sense? 😛
I get it. And I am defensive absolutely. Because this is my space. My sanctuary for my own thoughts I started writing in hopes of that by letting my insecurities and demons out into the sunlight they would increase. That’s all <3
Absolutely! Just got my own social anxiety going thinking I’d upset you when I mean to do the opposite. X