Why do people get so excited for others when they make bold life choices, yet never make some themselves? I’ve given this some thoughts lately and I have a theory, bear with me.
Whenever you get news about a friend, colleague, even that girl you went to primary school with, who quit her job and moved to the opposite side of the world after her wife left her. She fucked off to pursue her life-long dream of… I don’t know, kettle farming (or cattle farming.. these days honestly, who knows) or joining the Red Cross. Where she’s now met a gorgeous humanitarian and they now have a baby on the way and she’s never felt happier. We immediately gasp of admiration and want to hear more. Even more often so we’ll end up taking a good look at our own lives and how we’d wish we’d do something like that as well. How brave is she? She basically gets to have two lives! But how bad was the marriage anyway to begin with..? Could there be a hot humanitarian with a second family out there for me too? So now we’re trying to assess (her, the happy kettle (or cattle) farmer) the person’s history and character trying to figure out if there was something, anything, in her personality or if there was anything in particular that happened in her life which could have triggered this sort of crazy irrational behavior which led up this result and would make some sense out of all this. What chain of events happened to this woman which lead her to this blissful carefree way of life on this ranch on the other side of the world?
And was it inevitable? Depression? A cry for help? Sheer craziness? Maybe just to get away from her wife and take back some sort of control or meaning or even dignity? Desperation is what it is.
If we like the person, we might stay on the Good for her -wish I could do something like that -train. For a while. If we don’t, she’s naive and she’s simply lost it.
But the immediate reaction of admiration is almost impossible to avoid, and we do tend to cheer each other on if only for a moment. Because we very briefly imagine our own lives taking a turn like that, we get a little rush of possibilities and hopes for something else… because let’s face it we’re never really completely happy with our lives the way they are. If you’re one of the assholes who are, you just wait for it. You’ll either regret your career or your premature children eventually. Because we can’t have it all. And it’s in human nature to wish for it. We’re naturally competitive, always have been, and we all want the best waterhole on the highest peak overlooking our kingdom. I’d say always will be, but we’re about to wipe ourselves out entirely. Perhaps it always would be the thing that killed us. Certainly was what made us unhappy while we were here.
But back to the bold life choices. Thursday’s a bit too close to the weekend for this kind of realism.
Obviously I’ve just made one of the hardest choices of my life which, thank higher powers, is a universally known hard choice to make, which leads to me being met with understanding and in some cases enthusiasm in various forms. By that I mean Good for you for following your heart. Or That was brave of you. You did the both of you a favor. Or It’s a whole new life for you- what’s next?
Excitement.
I’ve also seen doubts forming after the reflection they’ve just made on their own relationship in the split second after I’ve told them about my new reality. Which makes me kind of happy and kind of sad at the same time. Because all ideas that’ll possibly change your life should come from somewhere deep within. If I ever felt like turning my world upside down as a result of something I read or heard, I’d probably be better off working on listening to my gut before putting that plan into life…
I’ve also thought about another reaction we have when the news of someone making a life-altering turn in life present itself. A dark one but a very typical trade we have as humans. Skadefryd. Schadenfreude. I don’t think there’s an English word for it. But it’s the thing you might feel when your prettier girl-friend shaves her head? That’s the one. The joy of someone else being slightly worse off than ourselves can manifest in the most sacred and the very best of us. You’re now the more desirable one of the two of you and it feels good. I mean, at least from afar. She’s obviously got the face for a bald head should someone ever go down that road. But seeing how big of a percentage of idiots that’d never go for that but rather a mediocre beauty such as yourself with the short skirt and wavy long hair, you still end up winning. The numbers are in- you’ve done the maths. But you praise her, lie her right to her face and make sure to let her know just how much you admire her. As much as you cross your chest thanking yourself it’s not you, you make sure she knows how fabulous it is and how you’d wish you were that brave.
(Even though your friend’s fucking awesome. she did that for herself)
I actually did do that, so Go fucking me. And I absolutely noticed fake praise coming from a place of “Why the fuck would you do that to yourself, but also good for me because you’re less of a threat to my relationship now”, and genuine responses.
I’ve always been the risk taker. And been met by both of these assholes. The ones who genuinely admire you, though perhaps out of a slight jealousy, and the ones cheering you on urging you to keep doing it because they take pleasure in watching the demise of another person’s life unfolding in front of them.
I’ll keep making choices that scares the shit out of me because I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to wish for someone else’s life. And jealousy has never been my thing. And pouring water on a drowning man in order for me to feel better about my shitty life is also something I’d rather not do. So. Conclusion! Take some risks will you? I thank fear every time because it keeps me appreciative. Fear of hurt, of being humiliated, fear of abandonment… I feel it EVERY time I take a risk. Being uncomfortable is a good thing. Keeps you humble! And without sounding like someone trying to write a self-help self-fulfilling self-love book: discomfort makes you notice comfort. It’s tension and release baby. Create some – Get some.
In the meantime I’m gonna lay low for a little bit. I have taken a lot of risks lately and finding myself in a place where I need some steady. I need more income, more steady income. I need a place to live. I need to relax for a moment. I’m done with the tension for a bit and I’m tired. In a good way. Calm kind of tired. But tired none the less.
What a very thought provoking piece Viktoria.
You have given me plenty to go away and think about with recent events in my own life.
(I have never heard of ‘kettle farming’ though….me being an old fogey, is it a ‘younger person thing’?…I imagine a field full of rows of stainless steel kettles….not what you intended I am sure).
Peter <3
might have been cattle. Might.
Ha ha! Your first MALAPROPISM (well that I have registered anyway). I think I will have a celebratory drink in your honour tonight! I shall also note it in my dairy!
(I had to ask because I come from ‘The ‘COOL’ Gap,’ generation before mine used it and the generations after but to my generation it just means ‘cold’).
Peter ; – )
What an interesting read. I have always been the first person you speak of, who is jealous of the other ones life. For years now I’ve been trying to get away and try to form the life that I want. Reading this only gives me more courage so thank you for always being blunt. It’s true that being uncomfortable is what keeps you alive. Best wishes to the new things coming…
😀
So I started reading these posts for over a month now and it’s giving me a new perspective on life. It is very refreshing every post to see a bit of how you think
and feel about life. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety I can definitely connect with how you feel sometimes. I completely agree that more people should be more uncomfortable through life, including me.
<3
I found your blog through your instagram and find your posts extremely thought provoking for ideas I had thought about and new ones I had not. I started journaling earlier this year to help with my anxiety and depression and its refreshing to read something so blunt and raw without sugarcoating anything. (also the dry humor is great) I think more people should use fear in the way you described and not in the way that it prevents you from doing something. I hope you are enjoying the Norwegian winter as well as remaining productive with a touch of relaxation. I personally love the cold winters because the frigid air reminds us of what it is to be alive and breathing.
Are you feeling pain when recalling the situations you experienced as ‘skadefryd/schadenfreude’ and jealousy, because your need for empathy, honesty and freedom were not met in those situations?
I’m curious and excited about part 2.
Perhaps it is not very fair to focus on just one small part of Viktoria’s carefully considered piece (there is definitely plenty more that could be discussed), but it has struck me that nobody has actually stated the following viewpoint (that I have seen anywhere, anyway) so perhaps it falls upon us ‘Viktorians’ to mention and consider it. It is after all the ‘topic of the age’.
‘We’re naturally competitive, always have been, and we all want the best waterhole on the highest peak overlooking our kingdom. I’d say always will be, but we’re about to wipe ourselves out entirely. Perhaps it always would be the thing that killed us. Certainly was what made us unhappy while we were here’.
If we have made a cursory study of Ecology, perhaps we imagined the old school biology class example of an agar coated Petri Dish which has been inoculated at it’s centre with a small specimen of bacteria and then incubated at a favourable temperature.
Left to it’s own devices, in a very Wellsian way, it will, like any living organisms, ‘swarm and multiply’ until it reaches a ‘limiting factor’ be it using up all the available food resource, running out of space or reaching such a density that it falls prey to some infective disease.
So now we humans seem to be reaching the edge of the ‘Petri Dish’ and are therefore facing ‘limiting factors’ a badly altered and dangerous climate, a lack of mineral resources, potable water, clean air, food, space, mental tranquillity, population density that may facilitate the rampant spread of diseases and pollution of very many kinds.
My point is that despite everybody on the ‘World Stage’ suggesting and trying to adopt mitigating strategies, I have heard nobody asking the question, what will happen if we are actually lucky and determined enough to succeed in resolving all of the strictures/’limiting factors’?
Perhaps being cruelly pragmatic, I wonder if all we will be doing is increasing the diameter of the exampled ‘Petri Dish’ – shall we imagine we have removed a restrictive glass barrier ring from the dish to increase it’s effective size?
Given what we know about the behaviour of organisms, is it not likely that the human race will come to the conclusion that it can carry on in it’s old, though modified ways, regardless and continue to multiply until it again reaches another ‘limiting factor’ which perhaps there may be no mitigation for and this second (or perhaps third or fourth) time around, the number of individuals affected will consequently be much greater and the human suffering much more widespread and grossly undesirable?
Sorry to be so cheery….(Nature ‘moves in mysterious ways’).
Peter 🙁