Sustaining panic

I did not expect that. I’ve periodically been in slight pain for about two years in my lower right wisdom tooth, sure, but I’ve been trying to establish a certain amount of trust in my body over the years and believe in it to fix itself. Especially when it comes to minor things like physicality.

I’d of course had it checked, kept an eye on it you know over the last two years, I just really didn’t want to pull it.. And when facing the perhaps inevitable and booking a checkup on Monday I could at least take comfort in the fact that I had enough baggage in my trunk for them to be have to do a referral to a clinic offering full anesthetic operations.

Hopeful.

Because no way, HELL NO -not gonna happen; scenario me lying still for that long not being able to move with someone so far up my ass and comfort zone.., what a nightmare? Going to the dentist is bad enough just for a teeth clean. They lie on your face, smudge your makeup everywhere. Look at you with that light.. I mean is there a brighter spotlight in your face ever? Really? is it really? You’re completely helpless where you’re lying. And they never tell you when they’re done do they? They just sit there when they’re done! Upright, nice blood flow to the torso, normal face colour.. They even have the mask on to cover half their face if they so choose. Oh, how I’ve wanted to be that concealed.. And you’re lying there completely vulnerable. Double chin (they’re always positioned a bit further south than your head), half your face missing it’s cover and forever trustee that is your foundation, nodding but not hearing half of what they’re saying because all you’re thinking about is the possibility of getting up from this chair of torture. Until you’ve reached your limit and ask if you could please take control back over this vessel that is your body and sit up straight? Yes, sure. Just like that. Sure. Like why are you still lying down, you look ridiculous.

You’re an authority and this is your turf mate, that’s why.

‘Shall we just get rid of it straight away then, Viktoria?’ he asks after looking at me for a second. ‘I have a free schedule.’

…

Very unexpectedly tears started racing down my cheeks while I squeezed out pathetic ‘now?’s and ‘really?’s. I didn’t so much worry about potential pain but told him I had a long history of panic attacks. Which this scenario is begging for it to come out in and perform like an eighteen year old pre-wedded christian boy. I felt that I had once again let myself down when agreeing to this extraction with only local anesthesia, doing the exact opposite of what I’d set out to do. Which I do ALL the time fyi. I can even have a whole rejection speech written down in my fucking pocket – come crunch time I’ll end up saying volunteering. And give you a discount. In half the time I actually need. So my hesitation was petty per usual. Ok. Let’s pull this thing.

I made him show me photos, walk me through equipment and tell me the gore of what he was about to do. That calms me down. I either wanna be half dead on the operating table, I don’t even wanna know what happened, or fully in control of what’s happening..! One or the other.

While he was at it I just zoned out. Stared at the ceiling. Breathing. Trying not to shake. I’d heard stories about violent crunching and cracking, tugging and pulling, so I was prepared for the worst. It wasn’t that bad at all. But then again I think I was a bit lucky. It was a beautiful tooth after all. And the best part: hearing that he got it -I LOST IT. I swear I don’t think I’ve been that upset and relived since I was told I could start my medicines two and a half year ago. Sobbing. I just lay there with hands over my face. Soaked in sweat and SO proud of myself. What a reminder. It felt so good. I’ve been longing to cry for such a long time and was actually so happy I felt something again!

‘Did you want it?’

-What?

‘Your tooth?’

-Fuck yea. I’ll fucking make a necklace out of that and wear it like a warrior.

Look how cute that is. Still with it’s flesh on.

Adrenaline over, exhausted.

I don’t have a conclusion on this. All I know is that I can still surprise myself and that should I have to pull another one I know I’ll be fine.