I asked my husband if he thought I was enjoying life a little too much. Our honeymoon in Italy was two weeks of total and utter heaven on earth. I’ll tell you all about that later. But now I’ve gone and rewarded myself further more by going to Oslo to see my friend. And live like a princess in my uncle and aunts apartment.
I’m being too kind to myself. Rulebook’s out the window and the shit’s hit the fan.
Here to illustrate is a picture of both.
And I’m hushing up that voice that wants to get his airtime. To punish me and restore order in my life. I’ve been flying too high for too long and need to get back down again.
I get that you’re thinking that you can’t be on holiday, in the clouds forever. I know. And it’s really sad. (Exception being you becoming a surfing instructor and moving to Bali permanently). But I’m not talking about that. You can be happy and work at the same time, you don’t need champagne and pools to be happy, obviously. Makes it a bit easier, but.. you know. I’m talking about the reward-system. I’ve lived on a reward-system for as long as I can remember, I don’t know if I’m able not to. We learn that we need to work hard to be able to earn and deserve the things that we want. And we do work for those reasons! Most of us. The rest of you need to get up off your asses and do something. Wash your car. I don’t care.
But, in all seriousness, we’re not meant to punish ourselves for being kind to ourselves and allowing ourselves to receive the good things in life. I heard someone, someone older (you know how they feel like they can tell you all kinds of shit because they’ve lived longer than you, lived through World War II and know everything), say that we’re not here to be happy. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re here to work. Bring new life to this world. Work hard, follow the rules, then life will be ok. Good, even. You’re not here for a reason. Just to.. what, get through it? Not here to find ourselves, our purpose and be special..?
I don’t feel that way. We obviously need to work, but the point is to be happy and make the absolute most of it. We deserve that.
I also know that we are just specks of dust. Present for an extremely short amount of time. Most of us won’t have a long-term impact on the planet. And those who do most likely don’t hate whatever it is that they were doing. They had to do it. They were born to do it. Their purpose was already written and within, and they wanted to do it. But most of us aren’t really all that important. To time and space, universe and humanity. Time and space don’t depend on you, therefore don’t care how you lead your life. If you followed whatever series of “rules” we made up. If you allowed yourselves to be happy or not. Only gave or only took. You’re not that big a deal.
So I, again and again, have to remind myself that no one cares if I’ve earned to be happy. More importantly, I shouldn’t. Be selfish! I’m so tired of obsessing over measuring myself and my life to allow myself to receive good things. W’e’re worth good things. And I’m really trying to fight, maybe I’ll wrestle like the gorgeous ladies of wrestling.., that voice in my head right now that’s telling me to make up for the damages I’ve done to my mind and body by being too happy lately. -The peace in my mind that means I’ve been enjoying far too long. Telling me I don’t deserve stuff before I’ve been really “good”, in pain. The not planning of, not making the puzzle and the mathematic pieces on how good and how bad I’ve been. The extra work not being done. The pile of laundry left. The pizzas consumed. The red wine with it. I actually freak out about the lack of alone-time because among all these people that I love , maybe I just can’t hear myself think. How am I really feeling about myself? How big is the damage? How much am I gonna hate myself when left on my own after this?
I don’t want to deal with this right now. Because I truly believe that we are here to be happy. Life is actually a gift. We are just here to live until you die. How and when and where is up to you. You can actually do anything with your life, you have that power. Just try to be happy. People can judge, let them. Everything else comes second. I tell my friends this! I always have. I need to tell myself this and really mean it. I know hanging out with my friends feels good. They don’t judge me like I judge myself. They can be my inner voice for a little longer. I’ll deal with The Voice a little later.
You.
Luckily my husband is only two days away when I get back home. Those two days I’ll work hard. I swear. But I will eat more pizza too. I swear.
*me punch that voice in your head telling you that you don’t deserve it bc you do deserve rest and happiness. And that trip to Italy seemed so great, enjoying it was just the purpose of that trip! Take the guilt away*
😀 <3 😀 <3
first; listen to the king ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxT8m46K1w8
second; the inner voice of the super-ego will not be convinced with good feelings and i think you know that the best, cause that this is the oscillating self-narrative in which you let us participate…
jacques lacan (french psychoanalyst) said, that the unconscious is structured like a language… so it’s a bit like an annoying talking friend, sometimes you had to smack him your hedonistic pleasures in the face, but come on! you know best its “yours”
when i am listening to your monologues i always have this association about kierkegaard and nietzsche fighting in the ring and they still do… so i found this very interesting text, and i think you have to read it, cause it shows that this conflict is more universal than one might think and moves the conflict line from the individual to the general… the text is unfortunately only in German, but I think you can find very much in it which brightens your conflict… https://philosophie-indebate.de/2021/indebate-3/
Viktoria – Glad you had a great trip to Italy, really enjoyed my holiday there a few years ago, I love Italian food. Just got back from Norway, Oslo, Voss and Bergen. Did keep an eye open on the off chance our paths mights cross, a long shot I know, but what’s not to like about people watching. Knackered myself walking up and then down Floyen, anyone can take the funicular railway, if I had done that I wouldn’t have seen the Troll Skolen on the way to the top, nor some of the other little oddities dotted around on the way up there. Nor would I have got soaked in the process, what’s with Bergen’s weather? Still the coffee and cake at the cafe at the top and the spectacular view made the effort of walking up there all the more worthwhile. Like you I am now on a bit of a downer now that the holiday is over. I also feel I need another holiday sooner rather than later to get over this one. You live in a beautiful country, although rather an expensive one for visitors. Still I did manage to purchase my silver Thor’s Hammer pendant that I had promised myself. Lets face it you have to spoil yourself now and then. Life’s too short to feel guilty and I don’t and neither should you. Cheers.
Should read Trollskogen, comes of typing after flying home and arriving late and not proof reading.
So happy you got to do that! And good for you on walking. It is nicer that way. And yes -it rains ALL the time. Except maybe one month a year. And yes -I’ve only experienced one place more expensive.. New York. Being a tourist here must be tough. Glad you enjoyed it though! Bergen is still beautiful, even soaking wet <3
Crazy to see that we think similarly yet be so far apart also I had to learn the hard way to restore order in my life when the cops bunked me up in a cell hope you don’t go through that but ywah we should always try to minimally be happy and maximize survival 🤔
Oh, so sorry for that! Hope it wasn’t too rough. I think the most damage I’ll do on society is very limited. To myself. haha
Hei Vici,
While I’m sitting here in my backyard, listening to the sounds of the birds and the voices of my neighbours, (I think they’re leaving soon, so then there will only be the birds) I thought, let’s write you something. Something I’ve wanted to tell the world for a long time, but I never built the courage. Or I just never really tried. First of all I just want to say thank you for the inspiration and your words. They always speak to me like my inner voice, so I think you’re a kind of inner voice to me. One of many, because I get inspired by lots of souls, but every one of them tells me a unique thing. And the lessons you teach me are can sometimes be more worthy than one full week of life. They are actually, most of the time.
So, the thing I want to tell you, after you told me so many things, is that you inspired me to write stories. You did that, together with Miranda and Aurora. And I want to write a book, written from Aurora’s perspective. I’ve noticed so many similarities between Aurora and me that I think she can be my inspiration to accomplish my own mission in life. It will be my unique work, my life, but also a little bit hers. And yours. And the trees’. Or maybe it will be only a start of something bigger. I don’t know yet, but I wanted you to know this. You’re not only famous now; you will also be a character in a book! And I also wanted to know if there might be a way to get in contact with you, Aurora or Miranda. I want to make sure I’m not writing anything that harms you, like using your names and things like that. And it makes it all a little bit more magical and complete if I could just ask some things. I don’t know what yet, because the things I’ve written for so far don’t include things like that. Or, well, I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I’m just a soul writing down thoughts, stories and feelings. And I want to give you a very big hug, because you deserve that Viktoria. You deserve to be happy, to feel like you’ve done something good to the world. And that’s what you do, because you make someone else happy. You make me happy. And yourself. And happiness and love is all that matters.
Lots of love,
Floor
(I feel weird somehow, posting this comment. Maybe I said too much, maybe the world isn’t ready for it yet. But for what? Because I’m nothing compared to the universe, right?)
If it feels right its it’s never wrong to express it! I’m so happy I can make you happy..! Look how we’re already influencing and changing the world..?! 😀 You can always get inspired by people, but maybe not use names. But I love the idea, I feel very humbled by it.
I agree, and if we’re specs of dust, with little time, why should we follow shitty rules? Do what makes you happy. I understand though.
Youve made a positive impact in my life you know, and im grateful that Viktoria Aksnes is in this world.
Hmm. I just had an epiphany about my art. You did that, Thank you!
❤
I’m so happy!! <3 <3 Go create!
Dear Viktoria, I also feel that life is a gift! And I think that whenever the opportunity arises to enjoy one’s self, go for it! We deserve to gravitate towards things that make us feel good. Why not? I agree, life is too short and I know that if I had a choice between something that makes me feel good and something that does not, I will almost always choose the one that makes me feel happy (ignoring the inner ‘advice’ and in some cases enjoying to wild abandonment!!). Alternatively I could choose a less desirable way to live however I have learned over time that it would bring me down and on some occasions even lead me to harmful places and people.
The voices can wait and there is the chance that the self narrative will lessen over time if you constantly bombard it with things you want to do that make you happy?!! It’s complex you know that, however it’s worth writing about and sharing, so once again thank you😘
Floor, I had to respond to your beautiful words. You might have felt weird posting your comment but I salute you for doing so. You write from the heart and share honestly and openly like most of the wonderful people who respond to these posts (and of course this goes ten fold for the Viking Queen herself!!).
Love and happiness to you all.
Oh, yaaay, I love that you’re talking and encouraging each other!! Since I get so many nice words from you.. (blushing). Let’s go do what feels good! Won’t lie, atm that means cake in pajamas watching Dolores Claiborne on Netflix. haha, old school.
Couldn’t agree more; baffled by people who don’t aim for happiness. So strange to use up the only life you get for profit or power… live life for joy, for love, take it, share it. Do anything that makes you happy and harms no-one. Even better if you do it with others too, friends, family, lovers. What’s the point if you just toil and survive, we’re empowered to choose happiness, that separates us from the beasts.
Aleister Crowley was a very difficult and not especially wholesome man but his philosophy of Thelema is worth a read; “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.” (Every person possesses a True Will, a single overall motivation for their existence. The Law of Thelema mandates that each person follow their True Will to attain fulfilment in life and freedom from restriction of their nature. This Law also prohibits one from interfering with the True Will of any other person. Each individual unites with his or her True Self in Love, and so empowered, the entire universe of conscious beings unites with every other being in Love). He experimented with hedonism and magick so we don’t have to… unless you feel like it. 😉
I like this Law..!!
Dear dear Viktoria,
First of all, I’m so glad that your honey moon was great, it is fantastic !!!!! Thank you for writing, I missed you (it’s really incredible, I don’t know you, but because of your blog, I have the feeling that you’re part of my family, my life) !!
Then, again, it was great to read you because all you described I live it, right now. My family think the way you describe : they think we’re not here to be happy, that life is only hard, that you have to suffer, and if you’re happy, you don’t deserve living, means that you don’t work enough…. and i want to die when I hear that. They judge me all the time because I don’t think like them, just the opposite. I think we are here to be happy, to be good people, to meet each other and do good things. so, a few months before, I thought : Fuck them…. Let them in their lives of misery and pain, and live your happily. I believe that when you think positive, you look better, and you’re a better person… So, now I just smile to them….smile and pity them a bit… and enjoy life. and read you ahaha
So thank you thank you thank you, and enjoy your life, just as you do… I love the pictures on your site farikal, it is really amazing !!!! Keep on rocking, and being so amazing !
<3
Oh, yaaay, this makes me so happy! 😀 As long as you manage just fine, right? LIVE IT. No shame.
<3