A song by John Lennon, one of his best ones in my opinion (not that I’m bias or anything -it’s a Christmas song which means chances are high I’m gonna like it).. his opening line asking an infamous question reminding us all that another year has soon passed and that it’s time to look back and reflect on what we started off with vs what we’re leaving behind.
The the thing is it’s been a bad year.
It’s been filled with fear. Anger, division, sickness and loneliness and what will be, I assume, very long lasting global economical challenges. We’ve exposed more racism and violence many of us assumed blindly was something belonging mostly in the past. We’ve been isolated from our loved ones. We’ve lost jobs and income we depended on. We’ve been scared. Sick. Inhibited. To life and to live. The world stopped for periods of times, and I sure as hell lost a lot of hope and motivation.
As experienced and happy I am with busting my own ass working alone as a freelancer one would perhaps think this would be something I’m used to. That it would be, unwelcome as it may’ve been, a time to create. Expand and make use of. Some people have! I’ve heard. I mean, I look at the little one and I’m in awe over her will to keep going and to never loose focus. I, however.. I’ve been pretty useless in life for at least six months now and I’m starting to feel like I’m involuntarily on welfare for absolutely no reason. What the fuck have I actually done, looking back?
I’ve beaten myself up about it enough, that’s for sure. I’ve done some thinking about the last couple of years and where I’m at now.. and I’m pretty happy about a lot of things. Good things. But I miss being tired. Like real tired; head hitting pillow falling asleep instantly, waking up to your alarm not remembering a single thing you’ve dreamt-worn out tired.
Man, that’s some first world problems.
Nevertheless… I really cannot shake that feeling of not having accomplished.. anything?!
The year definitely started off on the right foot. Moving to the city, starting a new job I absolutely loved (and let’s not beat around the bush: a job I was pretty amazing at), loosing my shit and just about all sleep rushing off to the Oscars; I felt like I was on fire. Busy! Excited. Amped, pumped, Alive. Doing stuff that actually kind of mattered to someone else. And then suddenly it was all left feet. Wrong feet. Feet that didn’t even have to get out of bed, there was no reason. Two fucking lonely wrong feet with no place to go.
I did do one thing right. Perhaps the most important one.. I found something. The thing. But that can’t be all of it! We’re also here to do. To help and make big or small, just the tiniest bits of difference. To someone or something.
So! Going into this Christmas, the Christmas of 2020, slightly more than usual filled with middleclass-guilt – a Christmas we will forever remember as the one we kiiiiinda all wanted to get over with just so we could start fresh with the collective hope of a better year to come, I try to come to terms with the fact that this particular year, the thing that was done was Pause. Pause from any influence of anything else than our immediate surroundings. Pause from assuming and take for granted. Pause to miss someone. I for one am even more thankful and aware of the privilege it is to live my life with the support I get from my family, as well as my country in many ways…
I’m also just now facing another thought on the matter. A concern over whether we really learned anything at all. That’ll make a longterm difference in the way we’ve so carelessly lived our lives. Because we do tend to forget..
I just wish…
A lil snappysnap of my new friend, Mr Tree. Say hi. Note the friendly poke from Ms Vera there, on my right. Such a hoot that one.
hey viktoria,
… i don’t think that that what you namend are 1.world problems… they are very human problems very universal problems for a specie like us… so i think no reason for self blaming here 😉 …the impacts are very different, but they were before and covid is only the immense magnifier which smash us realitys in our faces, which are in the world for decades if not longer…
but i see there really a great chance…no… the biggest chance our species we will ever had…to reformulate our basics on an new universal perspective… we need so much change and now it is not only a theoretical “ya let’s think about”… we are aware of to be in it ! (existentialism*)and may we are not getting as fast out as we think, cause…you named it…the psychological, social, geopolitical implications are mulitcomplex and ..what is “the normal” when the old “normal” brought us here…do we need our old normal back ? please not !!!
so from whatever perspective we look at us…we see we need a new definition of what are the values we share as a specie and if there are universal values that are not negotiable…
“feeling useless” is an effect which is realy predescribed from marx as “entfremdung” and it hits here exactly the question why is work so much selfidentification…and c’mone im german…our whole culture is pervert predefined from “living for work” 😉 but these narratives are dying out, and that is good, cause its not about work ist about vocation and loving doing things.. that makes you happy and meaningfull… the rest is oeconomie and there we need the biggest change…unconditional basic income… and so and so on (zizek) 😉
so a nice hello to mr. tree ! 🙂
and if you need an idea for a good gift for the little one, or yourself, or a mind you think he, she, it need brainfood for thinking the future…have a look at this one… hes the youngest prof in philosophy in germany and a worldwide a recognized very interesting mind !
cheers mark 🙂
*keyword existentialism
https://www.wiley.com/en-us/Neo+Existentialism-p-9781509532483
…tell me if im wrong, but remember who much your bipolarity knocks you out in the past…i rember it as really deep impacts that affects your live in a harsh way from what you wrote…so it seems that you handle these permanent heavy trigger phase of covid in an real healty way..isnt that so… ?
Hello Mark.
I hope you don’t mind me interceding but I fully agree with your suggestion of giving everyone unconditional universal income (‘helicopter money’) but those in power are only in power because of economic variation. Sadly the poor are necessary because they mark the bottom calibration point. As those that are in power are those who most psychologically need it (because of Existential angst) the only way to achieve this is to get them a good shrink!
I heard on a radio programme yesterday that Hunter Gatherers only had to work for 17 hours a week to get food and a further 22 hours for domestic duties (Hoovering/Booting and emptying the dish washer etc. I shouldn’t wonder)? The rest of the time they could ‘party’!
Kindest regards,
Peter.
Sorry, should read ‘Boothing’ not ‘Booting’…we Jesters are not used to these silly spell checkers interfering with our important work.
(Hubert Cecil Booth).
…since it’s victoria’s blog, i’m holding back, but look here’s a good illustration of the concept … greetings
Thank you very much Mark for that link. I had not seen the video before and found it very interesting.
Listening to the documentary makes one realise that there are a lot of unintended consequences though (it occurred to me today that ‘unintended consequence’ has a fractal nature…..the little unintended consequences in our own little lives right the way up through different echelons to the biggest ‘unintended consequence’ of them all the whole of Nature itself). What, the whole Universe might be an Unintended Consequence???!!!
We live at a time when the Industrial Revolution is some 300 years behind us but I am starting to think that in the not too distant future the human race may have to adopt the ways of the Industrial Revocation…amazing what difference changing just a few letters makes to things.
For us Europeans, two of the three biggest concerns to us are the Covid-19 Virus and Brexit. People in the media and in the general walk of life are all to ready to leap back to their wasteful ways…leaping off on holidays and back to good old material consumption once the virus has been tamed…..I apportion no blame in this as we have been led down this route over many years by those with vested interests.
The Brexit issue resolved itself not into the issue that some of us ‘in the road’ do not like having our front door hammered on by the assembled neighbours and dictated what colour we should paint said front door or how long we should let our grass grow or which shops we should patronise. This is not the behaviour of respectful neighbourly neighbours.
Brexit has come back to the only language that the megalomaniac ruling classes understand…..TRADE!
What will they do when manufacturing and trade looses it’s supremacy due to it’s devastating environmental costs?
I feel that the future of the human race does not lie in the realms of the capitalist system but in a vastly improved understanding of our psychology (read the many works of Peter Russell).
Kindest regards respectful neighbour….
To share something by return with you…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_s8Vo00Xug
(I think I rather favour the slightly daft me)!
Ha en God Jul!
https://youtu.be/NxaGnK3A-Pc
‘It was the worst of times, it was the best of times’.
Darles Chickens (not to be confused with Charles Duckings).
It is upsetting to hear how badly many people have been affected by the virus but I am in rather a unique position.
As I live alone, there has not been a great deal of change to my social life….queuing for shops and shortages of certain products are the main bugbears.
As I am classed as a ‘Key Worker’ I have had to turn out to work and yet I have had my income and livelihood put at risk by Global Warming and it’s effects upon the weather rather than the virus.
As I have posted in some of my previous comments (so I am not going to list them now as you are probably nodding off already), the virus is one of but many challenges we face.
If I were honest (?), I could be selfish and rest in the knowledge that I have no children, no dependants, no great claim upon life, and at my age, I am very conscious of the rising tide that will soon bring about the mooring ropes to be slipped and I will gradually drift from the mooring and head off into the great rippling, mysterious darkness. So let’s just ‘Let it be, let it be….’.
Hopefully though, only part of me is shellfish……for at my great age I can remember other difficulties that we have faced….my little island (UK) has been invaded by The Romans, The Vikings, The Norman’s* (funny that, all called Norman, so were their wives…and the cat – must have been very confusing), then we have had attempted invasions by The Dutch, The Spanish, The French and The German’s and we have had ‘The Black Death’, Spanish Flu, The River Severn Tsunami, The East Coast Floods, ‘The Little Winter’ and very bad snowfalls in 1947 and ‘63 which nearly ‘did’ for the country (Oh, and they changed the name of the Marathon Bar to the Snickers Bar as well).
So we are not the first generation to have to endure problems….even Norway was an infant carelessly tossed between the bloodied maternal laps of The Danish and The Swedes and was also invaded last century, yet it still survives and proudly thrives.
Many of the solutions that have been postulated as the answer to all our problems are sadly just economically driven ‘green-wash’ and it could be that the human race will need to go through the crisis it has made for itself and suffer greatly….; however I hope other ways will be found before hand, as we all do.
Therein lies our future way, for many of our skills will be called upon to try and mitigate future harms.
How can we feed and clothe ourselves (Viktoria) when sustainability is fully embraced?
There are all sorts of things that are desirable like Zip Fasteners that can be changed in coats without stripping the garment down to it’s ‘chassis’. Panels that can be replaced when wear takes place (elbow patches etc). How are we going to replace man-made fibres and will garments be affordable?
(I would also like shoes where the ‘out-door’ soles fall off at the front door and garments with built in lighting…..(and a white shirt with ‘rainbow’ button cottons…red on top button etc.))…..not much then!
So let us continue to work our miracles. Walking on water, walking through walls, feeding the 5,000
(frozen puddles, doors, microscope and very sharp scalpel) designing clothing, building better housing, growing cleaner crops, travelling in ‘kinder’ ways…..cheering the masses with better fiction, greater poetry and nicer songs………etc. etc. etc.
Oh no, our work is far from done!
(And let’s also make time to have a laugh)!
Seasoned Gratings, Peter <3
* ‘Normans’. More @~**#^ Vikings…North Men!
Some things that have kept me cheerful…
An old romantic, tragic song with a supernatural resolution.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG2VSicMjEw
A beautiful tune and romantic lyrics (but they are in Gaelic)!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4cFggS-Ivg
And an irreverent Reverend. (In Old English, 's' was written as 'f').
God Jul til deg og alle dine Kjære! Mangler bare årets Julebilde av «vakre Aurora :3
yap, hab ein schönes fest mit deinen lieben !
viktoria if remember correctly, you like italodisco’isch sounds… so i made a italo/wave informed mix, that i would play on second floor in a club if i could… hope it’s a bit yours so.. godt nytt år !
cheers mark !
https://soundcloud.com/eta-c-1/31th-of-dezember-2020/s-T2lD0e8jAku
An Instagram riddle from 14th January?
As Leonardo Da Vinci may have noted, that with Newton’s demonstration and The Beatles nibbled label;
if the mobile ‘phone rings, perhaps the young lady will be found to be deeply engaged in conversation?
(Or am I seeing something about which I am mistaken)?
Peter <3
Hey,
You are a brave person and i can feel some of your feeling or at least i think i can feel them.
I just want to say that you inspire i guess of lot of peaple and want you to know your doing the right thing to share your feelings and emoties. Remember that when you feel useless!
Life can be very hard but i think your doing great!
Keep in touch with nature things, we are made out of that shit.
Just some support from me, keep on going.
test
You’re very quiet Viktoria!
It would be nice to get an update on how you’re doing?
Hi Viktoria. I have read some of your texts. I have little bit reading/concentrating problem (because I have wild imagination, HSP etc) and I’m not good in foreign languages, so it is sometimes difficult read for example english text… But I like your writings because you feel to me very real person, atleast through your texts – and in a good way you are not too soft but “edgy” – and it seems to me that you don’t hesitate to speak what is bothering your mind, even if many bloggers are scared to talk some subjects. It seems to me that you can tell your own honest opinions about subjects, which are important and meaningfull for you or your friends or humanity or Mother Nature or mental problems (I am bipolar but I am nowadays in a good balance)… I appreciate writers who can write even taboos – raw, honest, no bullshit, sassy way. I can be also wrong, maybe you have also some sensitive subjects, you don’t wanna talk in your blog… I think there is always wall between luving beings inside of them and between them, but brave writers like you, who talk also difficult and “sensitive” subjects, brake those walls piece by piece… I just wanted to say that I wish I could be as brave as you… And when you write that loneliness can kill, I have felt sometimes like that, because I am so in loved to your sister Aurora (her essence)… But I love also every living being and I believe in universal love, so nowadays I am loving Life and Mother Nature just living alone without girlfriend. I quess my life is a learning path of evolving as a better living being so maybe I see my twin flame after this life (I believe that soul can transform in Cosmos or in our blue planet, but it is eternal) . I think that past, present and future are breathing in same time in every moment – and every moment includes also infinity – in our lives. Everything is connected to everything… This sounds maybe odd or stupid, but I wanted to say that I love also you and Miranda beside Aurora. Maybe you think that I don’t even know you, but if people can hate for no reason, I can love for no reason… I am truly sorry if this comment bothers you. And I know it is off-topic of this blog. I have just been so deeply sad, blue and alone and I thought I should tell my feelings to someone and I thought that maybe you understand me… But I am truly sorry if this comment bothers, you can delete it if you want… Happy motherhood to you and beautiful autumn to you, Miranda, Aurora, and to your parents, friends and families, (also to your so called enemies), just everything kind, warm, light and beautiful to every living being in our planet. ~ r
if people can hate for no reason, I can love for no reason.
<3 I hope you don't feel alone over the holidays.. or in general. At least you're not alone in your feelings.
x
Thank you. You are my hero, just like Miranda and Aurora. <3 God Jul…