I’m a person who’s not normally scared of offending anyone in here with my words… I’m not afraid of words. Anyone elses’ nor my own I think. So this is a first for me; not knowing if it’s appropriate to write this at this particular time. But I’m on the run daily here and I really need my blog now. I tried writing just for myself but, for some reason (?) it’s not enough. It’s as if I have to send it out into the world, give it to someone else to feel completely rid of my thoughts. For a while, that is. So I’m giving myself this gift today and I’m sorry if it’s too soon.
So here goes. Just short of three months ago I made the decision to leave my husband. And it’s the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. By far. I have left someone I still love and brought pain to someone I adore. I’m finding myself for the first time in a very long time in a space and time that is barely sufferable. I actually (which is why one should always knock on wood and wear a helmet and swim vest) thought, I actually thought, that I wouldn’t feel this level of pain again, ever, in my life. I thought I was done.
I think I’ve gotten a couple of really unexpected, really horrible deaths in my life which has left me having to go through some really shitty times. Really shitty times. I’m no longer scared of depression. Of fucking up. I’m not afraid (except from birds, fuck those guys) of much. I feel that I enjoy things but don’t really own anything I couldn’t loose… I couldn’t dream of anything causing this, this pain that can only come from something that can be defined as unbearable despair. That pain that is almost unthinkable, much less manageable, leaving you only capable to allow it out in daylight in a really small dosage at a time.
I’m up to about 30 minutes a day now.
I can think of two things I can only imagine, loosing a child and the love of your life. That’d do it as well.
I just never factored in the fact that I could be responsible for someone else’s pain by choice. Never thought about it. Never thought I needed to pick up tools to manage the aftermaths of hurting someone like that. Maybe there are none. Maybe feeling like this is inevitable.
Then there’s that unsaid thing that I’m not really allowed to indulge in this pain, not really, since I’m the asshole doing this to us.
I’m not going to get into anything more for now as far as the why’s and how’s, as the screen’s already a puddle and I fear for my Macs’ life as well as my consciences’. I don’t know if I am even capable of putting it in writing yet as I am barely mastering surviving the feeling of it… But I’ll say this for now; it was not a premeditated thing. And he’s dealing with it amazingly. We’re doing it our way. Together. He’s my best friend and the only one in this Universe who knows and gets the truest me. I’ve never been more proud of that man. After 10 years. Never dreamed I could think any higher of him, but here we are. He’s still surprising me. I’m in awe and in total gratitude.
Viktoria. After reading this I really don’t know know what to say. I can only just wish you the best for your future happiness. xx
Oh… My deepest condolences… Just read your post. Shocked. 🙁 The question “WHY?!” tears me apart from inside, but it’s none of my business. Praying for you every day. Your ex-husband is a true man! I adore him. Very sad post. 🙁 Why people can’t just live together? What self-destructive mechanisms are implemented in us? No answers, only questions. Ok, I’m shutting up. Hold on there! Wishing you only good!
Thank you for sharing that with all of us Viktoria. I didn’t comment before, but I thought it strange that you felt so soothed by writing for your book project. Sharing our problems does not only have the benefit of ‘The Confessional’ but perhaps more importantly gets confirmation back from others that life has not just singled us out but it is ‘playing’ with us all. (Although writing privately can order my thoughts beautifully (well I think so anyway) somehow, the reader (me) always seems to agree with my viewpoint. Strange that)!
Personally I try not to put people upon ‘pedestals’ because I am a little clumsy with my elbows.
Even though ‘official’ a piece of paper is only a piece of paper and having somebody close to us who we can confide in totally and honestly (and who can do the same with us) seems much more important, relevant and rewarding.
Perhaps the love we give is equally as important as the love we need??
I am sure you will find the strength to confide your feeling ‘out into the world’ if and when the time seems right.
Peter <3
that is absolutely legit, finally it is your block, nevertheless I hope that you have seen the “lacan video” … no evil intentions here !
mark
well…
Hello Viktoria, I know you don’t know me but all that I can say is take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself and sorround yourself with friends and family. Somedays it may seem like you can’t take it anymore but I promise you that you can.
I send you a lot of strength and support. And wish nothing but the best for you and your future.
<3