My self-worth lies in my accomplishment ! #laughingandsobbingsimultaneously

As a full-grown human being I too suffer from bad conscience. I am not doing enough and what I am doing isn’t nearly good enough. Somehow we’ve made this into a female-thing, it isn’t. We just tend to talk about these things more. Like right now I’m supposed to be creative and passionate, but I’ve been staring at my toile (that’s a fabric sketch, a draft if you will, in the sewing world) for the last two hours trying to will it into becoming something ground-breakingly fabulous.

It isn’t.

On top of that I bought cheap honey, because they were out of the good stuff (no other reason), and I’m very serious about my honey as I am convinced it has healing powers and has an anti-inflammatory effect on life itself, and it really doesn’t taste the same. My breakfast was just not the same. And it’s not helping the situation. I feel like karma has struck again and the universe is telling me that at this very moment. I don’t deserve the good stuff.

I always believe I will be deserving when I’m working really hard on something. When I was at the end of my education for instance I thought to myself: When I finish this.. No one can say I’m no good. I will have proved to myself and everybody else that I’m a hard worker and that I am worthy of everything. (’cause it was a lot of work..!) When I’m done with this project, this collection, this garment, this obstacle.. I’ll KNOW, everyone will know that I’m confident in who I am and in my work.

I’m not. I’m never. I’m always terrified of the next move, whole world watching and ready to judge while I’m falling flat on my face. We’re never done, are we?

I’ve never met anyone who’s been done. Done proving their worth through accomplishments. Why is this ok? I get it, that we have to feel the lack of something to be able to push ourselves towards something more. If we were all content we wouldn’t move forward. Thing is though, I don’t personally feel the need to move forward. I’m not in any physical danger, at least not regularly. I feel relative comfort in life, I’m not scared of lacking anything -water, food, warmth, I’m able to get where I need to be when I need to, I have love and family, I am needed, I make a difference… I don’t need groundbreaking changes to feel happy in life, I really don’t. I admire those who do. The strivers. Always aiming higher. But I also think it’s ok to not be one of those persons. The stress and guilt that I’m experiencing, I believe, comes from others misjudging me for being lazy. Or stupid. Not contributing enough. Contentment being judged as a negative thing. And it’s really not. I think it’s seriously underrated.

A good movement is how social media is starting to rebel about this. Showing pictures of their cellulites #Goodenough. Food and drinks and vacations #You’reworthit! I do this myself in brief moments, mostly induced by cava surrounded by great people who dismiss all of my insecurities. But I am, and I know so many of the hashtaggers are as well, still not convinced when I’m left to myself. And they always do, these hashtaggers, come back with posts with texts on the subject of them too having doubts and feeling worthless sometimes.

I really feel that a lot of it comes down to the fact that we’re still shaming each other. People will always judge you from their own strong suits. And when that’s something you don’t excel at – then you’re worse than they are. If one person does crossfit five times a week, that person will judge someone of not making an effort or taking care of themselves if they’re only going for one 30 minute walk a week. Whilst that person may be completely happy with that! That person may save lives for a living. The crossfitter, who is she saving, huh??! Not even her own back!!

So, you know, measuring each other from our own stands makes no sense.

We should be allowed to be content with what we do do. Or, I mean, we are allowed. I just know I’m feeling like I’m constantly being reminded about the things I don’t do, I myself are comparing and am being being compared to what others are  doing. She did this and she’s doing great, why don’t you..? What is your next goal? What are you doing now? I know what you did yesterday, but shouldn’t you focus on what’s tomorrow..?

So tiering. Anyway. I think I need to step away from my toile and go back to the drawing board.

Went for a run. Always makes me feel stronger when I’m feeling weak. And I need to feel strong. Because I believe, I know I am GREAT at a lot of things. And that I am doing really well! I may not be feeling it today, but hey, I went for a run and made fabulous pancakes afterwards. Killer pancakes actually since they broke my favorite frying pancakes pan.

I’m OK. And so are you. Cry your tears, but know that it’s ok to be wherever you are. You’re already good.