In doing new things and shifting stages in life I find that one out of two things happen. One: you see the skills you’ve learned, the things you’ve studied and mastered and how much of your challenges and shortcomings you’ve left behind in your past. Good times. Great feelings happening. Creates confidence, energy and motivation to go further. Nice. Or two: you get a sense of “relapsing”, left with feelings like you’ve just gotten smacked in the gut, face, preemptive strike-style waxed, stabbed in the thigh with a piece of glass -whatever; like you just left a safe space behind you, you idiot, and are now facing some of your old challenges and insecurities again. Ones you thought you’d moved past and left behind. This is challenging. This is where I, quite surprisingly actually -thought I was at my a-game, am finding myself. Currently.
I’m almost stunned. I’m fine, perhaps more confused.. And scared. Not a freaking out scared, I’ve dealt with this earlier, but shit.. Am I going back to some place I’ve almost buried and forgotten?
But then I thought.. It’s not the same. I reject it and refuse it to be. It can’t. Because I’ve been further, I’ve seen myself rid of this. If you just breathe now, Viktoria.
It’s the panic-attacks. The build-up has slowly snuck back into my life and I feel that fear.. that familiar fear of the next panic-attack coming along with the next unexpected turn of events. And oh my god I forgot how painful it was.
I’m so tired, without really lacking any sleep.
And I have the tools! I know the drill..! But it’s crazy what happens once the ground beneath you feels like it’s disappearing! You forget. All of it. Everything. Out of your hands. Personally, I feel like I shrink. Internally. I’m embarrassed. Feel weak. The thoughts of others (not the thought of others, but the thoughts other people have)… It’s as if I can hear them through how they look at me, they feel so real. Loud. Might be looks of compassion, wishing they could help me, or understand.. Doesn’t matter. My head has already decided for you what you think of me at this very moment. And it’s not good. And the conviction that the next second, my next action, the next something that is going to happen, will determine the rest of my life is so strong.. Heart pounding so hard, it actually hurts. And it makes me sad. I think it’s impossible to understand how someone who hasn’t felt it can understand. Because it does sound ridiculous. Not real. Fake fucking news. And I know that. That’s the most ridiculous part. I know it. I’m not even scared of it, I’m a bit pissed off to be honest. And it’s just Painful. And I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this this time around. It’s been so long..
So I have to find a way to use this. How can I turn this into something useful.. Or simply, how do I get past it? Do I just try to let it pass through? Like a cold breeze, as something that saw its opportunity to latch back onto me while I wasn’t paying attention because I was busy balancing three chairs; one steady old one and two new ones? (I did just get new chairs, danish design, and wasn’t able to stabilize more than three out of four due to a difficult screw situation involving four different hex keys from Skeidar. I screwed up. Or not enough) I can feel though that I don’t really have the fight in me. I’ve fought this one before, for almost a decade, and I have no interest in indulging the idea that I won on false pretenses and now have to do a rematch. That, my friend… won’t do. The thought makes me so sad to be honest I feel bad for myself. Not depressed or anything, don’t get me wrong; huge difference. But I do feel scared for sure.
Plus I only have one more snus left and no fight in me to go to the store.
Maybe I just need to sleep a little bit. Maybe this, just writing this and acknowledging to myself that this apparently is an issue for me right now will make it go away. Maybe I just have to accept that this might come and go for the rest of my life? Maybe, I just..
That’s a tough one.
Takk for at du deler i alle fall. Gjenkjennelige tanker. Jeg lurer veldig på hvordan jeg egentlig vil komme til å håndtere fremtidige endringer selv. Har jeg valgt livet mitt fordi jeg elsker det sånn som det er, eller fordi forutsigbarheten er en mestringsmekanisme? Klarer ikke la være å leke med tanken på å fjerne eller endre noe stort og skape noe nytt, bare for å finne ut av det.
Gode spørsmål Hege.. :/
Panic attacks are a sneaky bitch… no rhyme or reason, they come and go as they please like they own the whole place. Sometimes I catch myself right before, and manage to ward them off, sometimes it’s too late and they envelope me. But calling them out and acknowledging them has always been better than pretending, for me at least. Cause there’s a whole other burden of pretending things are fine and you are not being stalked by an invisible threat. I hope you’ll win the battle more times than they do. You’re not alone <3<3<3
Whole other burden indeed..! Sounds like we’re on the same page of managing <3
Helo Victoria. I know what are you talking about. Sometimes I feel the same feelings – scare and discomfort in my own body and head. It really helps me read something like this, from such a nice and pretty person like you. That Im not alone…Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are good writer. Love your blog. Good night.
<3 <3 <3
Hmmmm. I think I sympathise Viktoria.
I too have felt over the last year that I am ‘bouncing back off the other side’ to return to a previous track.
Perhaps that’s how life is for us. Maybe for us all? Maybe it’s just that we admit it and ‘the other’s’ don’t.
But we suffer….we get tired……very tired sometimes. Weary of pushing this wheelchair containing our heavy self.
I have found that the tiredness can go only so far and we don’t have the energy to care any more and then something else comes along to divert us and ricochet us, first gradually but with increasing pace to the other track and the ‘pushing’ gets easier and easier again.
Peter <3
As William Shakespeare (The Bard of Avon….the river, not the jet engine) once wrote. 'Like a bone that shall be stronger for the breaking'. (You have pointed out that you already know that, I know. Yes, you already know that)….Maybe you will work your own magic then.
PS. Fancy me saying about disease spreading through high population density in one of my (all too
many) recent previous comments….that'll teach me. Good job I didn't mention a Mohorivicic Discontinuity event..oh that's done it.
PPS. Don't try levelling up your chair by sawing a bit off the leg. It always ends up as a foot-stool.
“In the greatest confusion there is still an open channel to the soul. It may be difficult to find because by midlife it is overgrown, and some of the wildest thickets that surround it grow out of what we describe as our education. But the channel is always there, and it is our business to keep it open, to have access to the deepest part of ourselves.”
-Saul Bellow
It’s been a minute which is great I think 🤔 but just wanted to say not to belittle you but I’m glad we are still in the same page I always admired your honesty
🙂
hey vik,
do you remember the “couch scene event” …so you know that you can handle that easily, right i know the difference to be in the phase and to talking about it as a moment in the past…but do you remember that you saying that it was an parallel event watching yourself on couch in tv-studio like an auto-seperating from anxiety while you simply get the control in the moment of having a meta-perspective… so may the attractor “strong performative action setting” is missing know (tv-show) but is simply a symbol, a tool…
sounds a bit strange and lewd, but have you try masturbating real hard to interrupt the anxiety vortex… disruption… and then you can start to sublimate and focus on something of interest… you know what i mean ?!
Get your point, but whaat haha. No way sex would happen midst panic attack, can’t even sit still
Viktoria, you don’t have to be afraid.
Your intelligence can handle all of this …. maybe the storm will come back, and the floor will perhaps continue to dissolve …. and then reappear, your feet will always touch the ground, and you will always run back on it. Talking about it publicly in this diary is a demonstration of courage, it helps to shape something apparently formless …. stop, sit, breathe slowly, repeat to yourself “I’m not afraid …. I’m not afraid .. ..I am not afraid … “, then take a pillow and beat him, insult him, he is your enemy, break the daily routine, learn new things, listen to new music, try a new recipe. You can handle all this.
You can do it.
Not afraid. Just tired
better this way …. even if I don’t know you personally, I was sentimentally tied to your life, like an older brother, because I decided to read your blog at the beginning of the year to understand what lifestyle I would have to face by moving there in Bergen, for a new job as a designer …. but Covid19 has stalled my life, like everyone’s. everything is postponed to the future ….. No fear, but only tiredness ….. and this answer of yours makes the day a little happier. Ciao.
Hei!
“Good times.”
I’m very glad you’re better.
“facing some of your old challenges and insecurities again.”
Unfortunately, it’s very hard to run from your identity. You can change it a little bit, you can become better in some way (but it’ll take efforts and time), but you cannot substitute your identity totally. You can’t run from yourself.
I remember I tried to change jobs (and I don’t regret about it), but now I realize I was running from myself. 🙂 I saw kind and ineffective bosses, I saw strict and effective bosses (as in “Devil wears Prada” movie; God, please, forgive them and don’t send them to hell) :)))))) , but now I understand that the main problem was me. 🙂 So, I work for 10 years already at my last job. Nowhere to run. :))) Though sometimes I frighten my boss with publishing my CV, and he gives me bonus or raises my payment. :))))) (Jeg er en drittsekk, jeg vet). 🙂
“It’s the panic-attacks.” “I think it’s impossible to understand how someone who hasn’t felt it can understand.”
I understand what you feel.
Btw, once I read about bipolar symptoms, and, you know, they all can be applied to me. :))))) Then I read about sociopath symptoms, about maniacal symptoms, and… they also can be applied to me. :)))) I think, it’s better not to read about them. 🙂
But I know, that my problem is my job – software developing. 🙂 This activity consumes mental resource. Everybody says, that Monday is a hard day. I disagree. Monday is a good day (for me). Because I’m a normal man after a week-end.
But, for me the hardest days are… Saturdays! I call them Black Saturdays. (And Thursdays and Fridays also). 🙂
If a miracle happens, and my another Saturday is good somehow, I know, that the Black Sunday will come tomorrow then.
And each Black Saturday I re-live once again. I know that it will pass, and I’ll be ok again. I realize it by my rational part of mind. But emotional disaster happens every time. And while you are living through a Black Saturday, you think it will never end. And you have no “tools” how to eliminate it. “Don’t you feel it falling down… Stand back!..” https://youtu.be/x0OTB2fB0lM
By rational mind I know, that I must give time for my mind to recreate.
So, Viktoria, I wish you health and strength! And hope! Never lose hope!
This is your fight. It’s your Cross. We all carry our Crosses in this damaged, collapsing and consuming-only world. That’s why we are all worth to be prayed for. So, praying for you and wishing you only good. ☦
I feel you, Viktoria! When I was younger I thought that growing up meant I would naturally grow more into myself and be constantly improving. When that didn’t just happen and I realized self esteem ebbs and flows…boy was that a real letdown! I’d say about a year and a half ago, after finally feeling pretty content and like a whole human for about a year, I regressed back into how I felt before that period. When first waking each morning, I feel a heavy weight… feelings of guilt and fear. I’ve picked up a few tools for the ol’ toolbox over the years, so falling back into old habits never is quite the same as any other time, but I can’t seem to move past these feelings of discontent with myself. Anyway, all of this to say, what you’re feeling is not unusual and I’m wishing you the best of luck finding your footing again! i really do believe we’ll come out of this on the other side (and probably regress again and again because that’s just life… but hopefully it will get easier with time, yes? 🙏 ) Thank you for being vulnerable and honest! 💜
That IS life, totally hear you Amanda <3 <3 <3
Tough one indeed Viktoria. Big big hugs and lots of love from me (in Australia in lock down) to beautiful, vulnerable, precious you 🦋
Love back to you Stella <3
I understand you. I read somewhere that you are bipolar, I say that because I am too. I’ve been trying to get close to you for a year now, but I’ve never been successful. I just wanted to be someone you could talk to and someone I could talk to too. I have suffered from this damn condition since I was 16 years old, to the point of having already been catatonic and in constant suffering. Today I dedicate myself to help people like me. Well, what I mean is that you are not alone. If I could I would give you a million hugs and say that everything is fine, that everything you feel is normal. Please let me get closer.
My email is here, just say hi. I want nothing more in the world than to know that you are well and that you are not alone. I never saw her, and I may never see her. But know that you are very dear to me.
With all my heart,
Your secret friend.
Very nice of you. But I wouldn’t be blogging about it if I wasn’t fine 🙂
I’m probably gonna regret writing this but hey at least I had the guts to actually post it.
Anyway first of i’de like to say thank you, for even just talking about mental health, you see my family has a pretty big history of mental health. So it helps a lot know I’m not alone, you see both my sister, mother and best friend have depression. My sister told me that she wanted to jump in front of a bus and my best friend cuts himself in front of me.
I’ve always lived around mental health. My sister also has social anxiety so she has panic attaches, hates crowds and lashed out at me and my other sister when she’s at her worst (yes there is three of us as well) but despite dealing with all that my whole life I don’t know how to help my friend. He goes to a psychiatrist but it doesn’t help. Something that made me even more determined to help him Is when he says that he’s scared everyone thinks he’s crazy. He said that the only person he’s comfortable with talking to is me.
Even though the whole of the UK is on lockdown now i still ask him every single day what his moods at.
But you’ve helped a lot through just talking about it so thank you.
I’m probably gonna regret posting this but hey at least I did it.
First of i’de like to say thank you for talking about mental health, it’s actually helped with a lot. You see both my sister and best friend have depression, when my sister was younger she said she wanted to jump in front of a bus and now where my friend cuts himself in front of me.
I’ve always had mental health issues in my life. My sister also has social anxiety so she hates crowds, has frequent panic attaches and lashes out at me And my other sister (yes there is three of us as well) but despite my whole life being revolved around mental health I don’t know how to help my friend.
He goes to a psychiatrist but they don’t really help and he says that he believes everyone thinks he’s crazy also being signs of depression.
Something that always stuck with me is that he said that the only person he knows doesn’t think he’s crazy is me. So now every day despite the UK being on lockdown I ask him how his mood is.
But again I just want to thank you for just opening up about mental health issues.
Ignore the other comment!
Actually no ignore the first one cause the second one I shortened down a bit just to get more to the point the forgot I posted the first one
I really don`t know how to start this post properly and I don`t know if anyone or you (Viktoria) will read this. I discovered you because of your sister and so I discovered your blog. I´ve just read your article and I had strange feeling, which told me I have to make this post.
I can relate to all these kinds of feelings. I`m a thinker and I do it alot and I know that it is not good … yeah, but hey that’s me, I guess. When I was younger I also philosophised alot about everything … the world, the universe, the bad and the good and especially about the future and I still think alot about how the future will be and I’m afraid of the future. I think I´m a little pessimist. But right know It is kinda hard for me, because slowly I`mgetting to a point, which I left behind me. The moodchanges I have right now are kinda exhausting and they sometimes occur several times a day. At one point I`m happy and floated with positive vibes and suddenly it can happen that I`m feeling sort of unhappy, that the weight of life is too much for my shoulders and everything becomes negative. Thoughts like “I will never succeed in life”, “I will never be truely happy in life”, “Is the way I`m going the right one”. I have those thoughts even with knowing that everything is not as bad as it seems. But I have those negative thoughts anyway and with them there is this strange melancholy connected. When I´m happy, I sometimes ask myself, if I`m really that happy and then the negative thoughts appear.
I`m still very young (21) and I´m studying right know. After school was the hardest time of my life for me. I didn`t really know what my purpose in Life was, what I should do, where my place in this endless universe is and I was most of the time so sad and unhappy. I went to Australia a short time and made new friends and got a taste of what life really is. I think often you need other people. Who help you to continue with life, who show you new and other perspectives.
At the moment my life only consits of university stuff. I miss the contact with the people in university. I miss singing more then anything. I regulary sing in two choirs. I miss the few friends I have, I miss doing sport activites in a club. Glad I can go out and enjoy the nature a little bit. I really want to visit Norway one day! The beauty of its nature is absolutely astonishing.
I hope this virus will soon be gone, so my life can change to the positive again. In times like this I realise how important nearness for us humans is. I miss the caring warmth of a woman, I miss the female energy. I`ve always searched for the higher something in life. I think I can only find it in another person, but I haven`t found this person yet. Hopefully the search will not take my whole life and even if it does, I will continue in the next one.
Wish you all the best! Take care of yourself, treat yourself and others with kindness and please be happy and never lose your hope.
Steven
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