I’m in such a muffled place nowadays. Foggy. Standing still.. I just wanna be alone, every day.
Not that I’m particularly happy alone, I just feel kinda.. stable, maybe. As stable as can be at least. Truth is I haven’t been feeling very good about my situation recently. One second I’m feeling very strong and content with how I’m, very healthily and happily (by choice), living my life now. No restrictions, no numbers, no rules.. Next I’m completely lost missing my routines that, (seemingly) made my world go ’round and keep all of my shit together. My whole self it feels. Worth. Identity.. It’s all I think of, all day every day. These two thoughts battling for attention. These two truths.
I don’t think I know exactly how to be this,, this person, that I supposedly am right now. I’ve currently lost sight and it’s all a fog. I need binoculars. Because I can’t see the borders and I’m struggling adapting to that.
It’s far easier it seems living an unhappy life. Especially around people, I can’t deal with social me. I can barely deal with awake me.
I have an appointment tomorrow and I don’t wanna go to sleep ever.
I attempted a little run today. As soft on my feet as I could be, respectfully giving thanks to my legs for every impact. The euphoria looking over Bergen basking in the low sun made it impossible for me to stop tears from escaping my armor. I felt the happiest I’ve felt in weeks. I had to pace myself, like a malnourished person I had to physically touch my legs to enforce the signal for them to slow down; I’m doing this to help you, slow down.
When I reached my building after the shortest 5km I’ve ever seen I felt paralyzed. But 5km was my cue.. I couldn’t go inside the building so I sat down on my stoop and cried instead.
If strong is the new skinny, and you can’t be strong as you want to be.. Where does that leave you.
I don’t know.
I think it’s really good that you have these goals, because every walk you take is a “self-programming” and disproves the fear structure here and now. every single step!
Because confrontation means learning anew and failing, and that’s not just okay, it’s the only reason why we’re still there, because without failure, no development.
sounds pretty trivial, yes in theory it is too, but for a stuttering 12 year old, the world looks very different. any situation in which you do not have to speak, especially not public speaking, had top priority, that was my first hand, because the worst moment is the discovered that; yes something is wrong with you ! that were my thoughts … And since children and adolescents like to test their power I had to put something away. until I finally realized that this weakness is my strength, that I just thought too fast and the words did not follow the thought. when i’m stressed and need to express myself under pressure, it sometimes gets a little bit worse. (not to mention English, but beer works ;))
but the bottom line is that i have had the experience that my biggest problem at that time was part of my strength, i just trained the wrong strategies and build a wrong self-image of myself, because i thought i had to.
I do not think that strong is the new skinny. And, most of all, I do not think that only some faith rates can come close to you, but you’re a young woman on her way to find herself in these crazy thing we call “sein” , and that takes the time you need. not more, not less … no rules, just tools 😉
Never said I would be without any of my experiences.
Wtf, we all idiots trying to find ourselves, young woman trying to find herself… And I’m very aware that the process is life and that we need to take our time to be in every change there is.
sure sure, no question i know !
…unfortunately my english is too hasty and not good enough to express precisely what I would like to say in german. But let me just try to say the following, I think the competition thoughts are good, if they are enclosed in the frame where they belongs and that is the game. is that trivial? no, because delimitation means that the game is no longer called game or everything is game and so it is then, take a look at the world now, which is a result of millions think they had to delimitate that distinction in the name of competition, trumpism etc.
I have only the feeling that you do not really allow this distinction for you. expressions like “is strong the new skinny?” that express a little bit already, that you think there in a continuity, which I do not find unproblematic, do you understand what i mean ?
So your hypersensitivity is just as much your strength as it can be your problem, but it does not need competition, as well as you do not, because it is not a game, but a part of you, who needs no comparison, because the individual can not be reasonably compared. so there is no best piece of music, no best color, no best body, no best human, and I think “we are not idiots either,” because idiots do self-/harming things against their possibility of not doing them. if you have not learned how to swim, you just can not swim, that’s all.
the way you describe yourself and which demands you put on you will be effective through the language. that’s the story with the idiot in the fitnescenter, if he really upset me, i will still work with the same code as he does, i take him still seriously. but I should actually laugh at him, because he does not play on the same piano. he is not important. that’s exactly how his code of eternal competition is not important, there is no reference that would be valid so why speak his language ?
hope you understand what i try to say…
may you like that ?
“You lose yourself in your life … when you ask for the identity of the thing, then the thing is” botched “because you get involved in classification, it’s about making something that happens between the ideas and you do not On the contrary, one has to constantly try to give it a color, a form, an intensity that never says what it is, that is the art of living, the art of living means killing psychology and out of itself as well as with other individuals. To create beings, relationships, qualities that have no name. ” (Foucault 2007)
Oh my god, I’m going crazy of people thinking this is a therapy session with me as a subject. I didn’t get anything you were saying. I’ve always held myself to a high standard, and competitive with myself. so when I do something I go all in. Doing things slowly and balanced have always been hard for me. And that get’s me far when I want to, but can be negative in some ways.
And I really don’t need you to come with statements like My hypersensitivity is my strength.. I’m not an idio,t and that’s basically what this whole blog is about. Normalizing these challenges we all struggle with from time to time.
who said strong is the new skin? don’t think you’re less cause you’re not strong (note: i’m not strong either but sometimes i just find something that makes me a lil happy, like your run) you’re amazing!! take you time..priorize what you think its important for you to be happy. 😉
I want to be strong. If I’m strong my body need fuel. And that makes me happy.
Is this the same as me saying I hate myself for hating myself.
I don’t get it. You can hate yourself for hating yourself.. I can see that. But how does that relate to me wanting a strong body and mind?
Well that I’m in the same boat as you i don’t want you to think other wise I’m saying I can relate by saying that my hate towards myself is my fuel to become better but it also I’d draining and I can’t be strong but I must stay up like you 🙃
“I can barely deal with awake me” and “I don’t know”
yeah, I can relate to that, it’s where I’m right now.
<3
There’s a couple of things you say here that catch my eye; ‘identity’ and the person you ‘supposedly’ are, or your situation. I think I noticed them because reflect feelings I have, but it seems to me you’re having a couple of little crises here.
One seems to be that you’re comparing yourself to some sort of benchmark, how happy or strong you are, are you being healthy or socialising enough? So much second guessing, you’ll go mad! Just muddle on Viktoria you’ll be fine. There’s no shame in crying, let it out.
The other seems like you’re feeling a bit trapped, you obviously have some sort of idea of the life you want to be living, but you’re stuck somewhere different? A place you’d rather not be. I know that one well.
I think it all links to, as you said identity, and community. I’ve been stuck in a dead-end town for years, I earn enough money to get by and that’s about it. I’m looking for my own identity, and my own people to share it with, to live a life where I can indulge in a passion, but I haven’t found any of those! You sound to me at least like you’re feeling a similar way, a bit lost.
It’s very easy when you’re under that dark cloud, in that storm, to forget that it will pass. We’re all works in progress right? Start climbing out, acknowledge your sadness, recognise it, but don’t put it in charge. Keep moving, and remember to look back every now and again. It’s surprising how far you can go without realising it.
It’s great to see how much running means to you, what a great outlet that is. Sorry if I’ve missed or forgotten something, but why are you struggling with it, you said you had to slow down and be gentle?
I had an injury, ran a little too far a little too quickly.
That’s what I’m saying though, it is an identity crisis thing. Since I started running I’ve struggled with the thought of myself as a healthy happy person. That’s never been traits I’d describe myself with, and when I feel lost at times I feel like going back to old habits, because they feel more natural to me.
I know there’s no shame in crying -I cry all the time.
what is IT?
I just don’t get what you mean by IT? Is it the abbreviation; information technology? or are you just highlighting the word ‘it’?
Everything else I get, feeling detached from yourself and unsure of your identity. Maybe part of yours is seeking 🙂
Ah I see you what you mean now.
Healthy and happy, sounds so simple doesn’t it. Exercise is supposed to be good for you mentally, and physically, if there is a difference really. I hope your legs are grateful for your consideration and heal well. 🙂
Anyway, I believe in you, I think you’re a good way upon a journey of self discovery, close to a breakthrough perhaps. Keep on running, literally, metaphorically, and maybe slowly for a while. x
I read all the way back to your Norwegian posts. Sadly, my 20 minutes of Duolingo Bokmol study just wasn’t enough to keep me going. I hope you’ve gotten used to hitting that CAPSLOCK.
Living with bipolar is like having the ground constantly shifting beneath your feet. You can never quite feel at peace when things are going well because you know it won’t last but you don’t know when the shift will happen or what it will bring next. The good thing is that means you always know the bad moments will pass too. I used to live one day at a time (“We can be heroes/ Just for one day”), but lately I’ve graduated to living moment by moment.
Unfortunately you can never quite get used to unpredictability. And mental health is so foundational it does affect your ability to grasp your own sense of identity. The irony though is that most of the people who feel like the weakest in life are actually the strongest, because they are fighting the hardest fight. The people who seem to be the strongest are often just blessed in some way. They haven’t necessarily earned it. The true test of moral strength isn’t when you are on your feet and full of adrenaline, but when you are on the ground and feel helpless.
Why do you (Viktoria) keep fighting? Because you love life and your husband and family. Love is an act of the will, not a feeling. Sick people have more opportunities to practice love every day by just doing our best to be kind and keep up the basics of life. Ultimately, the only thing of eternal consequence is love, so in a sense, that makes us very important.
Love is everything <3
Thank you for the corrections! Updated. =)