Leave it be, dance and be fucking free

I got the gift of food last night from a friend who appreciates food as much (maybe even more, we’ll find out over a fight one day) as I do and it was wonderful. WONDERFUL! Fine dining at it’s best. If you’re in Bergen and love tiny expensive food, seriously, check it out. You die. A little bit.

Colonialen

Also got this sweater from my mom so it was a very good day indeed yesterday.

I never shop myself. I spend all my money on student-loans, foundation, food, wine and lotion. So every time someone buys me something (usually the other one) I feel sooooo special and I wanna live in it till the day I die.

Woke up at eleven pretty hungover. Many courses means many wines. So many good wines.

So I’m very happy right here today. The bar’s been lowered and this is the best thing there is.

Do both, I say. Wouldn’t want that thigh-gap sneaking up on you either.

So now I’m sitting here looking at my ironing board

feeling drawn to the tv where I put on the show that forces celebrities to dance in skimpy outfits. Hilarious. Brave. Brave as fuck actually.

But as tired as I may be (I’ve been vertical for some time now -getting better) I feel so good. SO good. I’ve been feeling so sad lately. Over my thigh-gap. Haha. But seriously. There used to be a gap in my thighs now it’s a gap in my life.

I’ve been struggling with the fact that I’ve turned into a healthy grown up woman. I’ve never been so far down this road (weight-wice, guys). I’ve always been scared of imagining this point thinking that if I’d imagined it it could become true. I’m terrified of what’s gonna happen if I don’t turn around and start running the other direction soon. The rest of the story I haven’t written? I have no idea what’s gonna happen now? How will it end, which direction must I go , heck -I don’t even know for sure what the plot is anymore??

One thing’s for sure, I’m NEVER saying never ever again EVER in my life.

That’ll never be me.

I’ll never do that.

Because there you are one day.. eating not only every four hours or so but your own words. I seriously thought I’d never weigh over 50 kg again.

Ever.

I told myself that not only wouldn’t I allow that to happen, but that I was above that. If I thought of it as an impossible act – it would be. The ridiculousness of it all would cause an earthquake before that would even begin to think about maybe happen in the foreseeable future. Like my pride and superior way of thinking – soaring above other human’s primitive needs would shield me from loosing control in any way and actually live my life like a full person. A free person.

I must laugh at how little I’ve weighed over the years and actually thought of myself as fat. As this number to be my limit. My “roof” of numbers showed on a scale. And that I’d never get this fat again and start loosing weight the very next day. I’ve learned my lesson these last few weeks and will probably have to learn it again; just never.. Never say anything to yourself about yourself ever again. Don’t assess yourself, don’t think about what was and what is to be. Just fucking leave yourself alone. Most likely I’ll weigh more than I do today at some point. Just thinking that makes me wanna vomit in my mouth, let alone writing it for others to read. I feel fat now. Hahahahaha, I’m killing myself I’m too funny.

Anyways. I’ll leave myself alone now, let my beautiful, slightly softer body be and enjoy this glorious day with all the glorious assholes I look very much up to at the tv.

I, too, shall dance today..!

HAVE THE BEST FRIDAY AND WEEKEND EVER!!!!