I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on myself lately. Even. more. than. usual.
So a lot.
Probably too much.
But it isn’t that strange I guess when you make a big decision that completely changes the way you’ve lead your life for the past decade. But I’ve thought a lot about how I am and why I act the way I do, non-related to any particular challenges, just.. my personality. I guess. Lot of guessing. Second-guess everything about yourself, assume you know nothing; it’s a win-win. I’ve especially thought about impulse control. As I know I’m very spontaneous. If I wake up one morning wanting to go to Italy by myself, I’ve booked the tickets before I’ve had my morning pee. Or like the time I signed up for a one year long exchange program in South Africa when I was sixteen. I think it was only about a week after I even learned there was such a thing I had my letters of recommendations ready and pictures of myself doing wholesome teenage-stuff (left out the drinking and smoking-part) glued into my application papers. Poor mum and dad didn’t stand a chance. I was already out the door. I’ve never felt the need to second-guess my next step once I’ve made up my mind. I second-guess myself and my abilities more than enough to have the time nor energy to bother with my actions. It seems.
I go with my guts. And I’m never scared before I’m in the midst of a situation. I’ve said yes to being on stage, news shows, modeling and public speaking when my social anxiety’s been through the roof begging for relief, only to crumble to the ground afterwards with little or nothing to show for. I’ve done most of my decision-making without thinking much about consequences and gone more with my instant emotion rather than weighing in my pro’s and con’s taking much consideration as to what could go wrong and how it could potentially damage me. Or simply hurt.
What I do however is weigh in the consequences if I don’t go through with something.
I’ve talked about that inner harmony-scale earlier. The one that tells you if your feelings and actions line up leaving you with your integrity intact making you feel balanced, strong and with a sense of pride that you’ve articulated or acted the way you actually wanted or needed to. And I’ve found that it might be this I’m protecting when I make my seemingly rash decisions. Because if there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that I can be easily persuaded. I can stand tall in my own decisions but can really struggle to stand up to others’ opinions and doubts when it comes to myself and the way I choose to live my life. When people start making arguments regarding my beliefs and convictions I can back down as I think it’s too uncomfortable to persuade them otherwise. And I don’t want to give people the time to second-guess me. Because I know. All I have is my gut and I really do think I know what’s best for me. And I’m seldom wrong..! I can have moments of fear but few doubts. I’m not scared of making a wrong decision. Nor am I scared of hurting myself. I’d hate for you to hinder me in doing something, be that a mistake, if I feel like it is the right thing for me at the time. Because it’s my mistake to make. And if we don’t own our decisions what will we be left with to stand for really when things get rough? Or life’s about to end? I’d rather be the one fucking up my own life thank you than you potentially stopping me from experiencing something great. There’s so many ‘but, what if’s?’, but what about the ‘what if it doesn’t’s.?’ What if it doesn’t go badly, but opens up doors to stuff you never even dreamt of… It’s a cliché, I know, but I really think about it a lot.
Some decisions are hard to make. God knows I’ve made them. Especially lately. And I’m in no point on the timeline that is my life where I can look back with a true sense of if it was for the better or worse in the long run. But I know about now. And what I know I can rely on always, is that as long as I make decisions based on whatever it is that is in my gut at the given time I won’t fail.
I said I second-guess myself more than enough. And if I didn’t at least act according to my heart and my gut I’m afraid it would tip my inner scale so far off in one direction I’d never be able to stand myself. Or have any chance of real happiness. Even if it may hurt along the way. Happiness doesn’t come for free. Nothing ever does. And mindfulness, we’ve talked about this (yes I’m looking at you, you therapist you -you know who you are), can only get you so fucking far.
I realize this can be interpreted as incredibly naive and look like a shield made out of cowardice to preemptively protect myself from other peoples’ judgement, writing off everyone elses’ knowledge and advice about things far beyond my own experience. Self-indulging in every thought that enters my mind… But I have yet to experience being wrong though. Every choice I have ever made has been right. And I mean that! I don’t regret any of it. I choose to be selfish. And when you’re selfish you don’t end up blaming other people, easy as that. In my mind. My young, perhaps adolescent and naive mind. I don’t care if you agree.
(See what I did there -preemptive self-protection)
I always try to take others’ feelings into consideration obviously as I skip my way through life. But I’d rather stand myself than you me. Always will. And I think I love more because of it. And that’s why we’re here after all isn’t it?
Jeg elsker deg – alltid.
<3
Viktoria, I’ve found over my 66 years of life the best option is to take in all the options and opinions of others and then after having deliberated the consensus in my own mind, feed in my initial thought/gut feeling to the whole idea of what I was planning. I have found on most occasions my gut feeling served me well. I will say there have been a couple of times where I have crashed and burned. But hey nothing is guaranteed in life, you just have to pick yourself up and carry on. xx
A very sincere and honest post. (Thumb up!) Human freedom is a very precious thing. Freedom is also a responsibility. And that’s great. When a human acts according his/her freedom, then there’ll be no one to blame. And it’s better to act free, than to act like others say and then blaming them: “You have advised me wrong! You have spoiled my life! That was not my life! I wanted to live it other way!”
So, I totally agree with this post.
A friend of mine is a free man. He tried to build his life in his own way, doing his own business, trying to do what he really likes. To be objective, I should also say, that now he lives in a garage… Because he can’t afford a flat… But still, I respect his freedom! (And no sarcasm in my words). And it’s an open question, who is more free: me, working full-time in a comfortable office, or him, living in a garage, but self-employed and independent from bosses.
P.S. (Religious message start). The God created us free. We are free to believe in Him or not. 50/50. Absolute freedom for everybody and each human. God respects our freedom. In a free choice we are really humans, not robots. He sacrificed Himself for us to be free. In Soviet times communists tried to build a perfect society, a utopia. Tried to make everybody to be communists. By force. They failed. Because they ignored human freedom. Now some modern russian politicians try to make an Orthodox Christian society (for easier control). But they will also fail. Because people are free. (Religious message end. Treat it as an annoying advertising). 🙂
🙂
It would be so good for my ego Viktoria to point out that you are at the age I was when you were born, and that I have an indelible ‘print’ of my own personal development to that time because that was when I lost my dear mother to Cancer and that made me look at everything very differently (strangely she didn’t like birds either – frightened of their flapping wings). So I could say that looking down from this vantage point not too far from the top of the mountain, things look very different from how they did when I was at your altitude and in turn they look very different from when I was at the start of the ascent and they probably will when I reach the top and accidentally fall over the other side.
BUT of course, it would be very wrong of me to do so, to offer any wise words of advice because you may well be on a totally different mountain for all I know.
I could describe what I am looking at but not make the assumption that it would have any relevance to you at all or give you any comfort, warning of danger, hint of fear or safe direction.
As every day passes in the World at the current time; when we work out for ourselves we are ‘going to Hell in a hand-cart’ (lucky Norwegians, you don’t have to leave your country, just travel close to Trondheim where you have your own place of that name…you know Trondheim, where they perform that ‘Traditional Hammer Dance’ every 25 minutes) with every action and decision we make…even breathing out Carbon Dioxide. Should I have that plate of food or should a starving child in Africa or India or even in parts of the UK? So many ways of acting to the detriment of others be they human or otherwise and all the result of ‘choices’ and ‘decisions’.
I know with age I do not have either the physical or mental resilience to rapidly change from a suit of armour to a suit of amour* any more; or the burning desire or reason to do so, if I were honest. Time has dulled the necessity.
Love can be a way of sympathetically resonating with another soul and give rise to very pleasant resonances or can be used falsely as a way of ‘buying’/getting something else I feel I need/want.
I don’t know that I am disagreeing with you about the importance of ‘Love’ but I find that now I cannot even decide what is ‘up’ and what is ‘down’ on the planet or in the Universe as a whole so what hope do I have of knowing fully about ‘Love’(or much else)?
As they used to say after a statement in school exam questions (in the days when we had quills and ink pots); ‘Discuss’ (would probably be ‘Tweet’ or something now I guess)?
Maybe that’s the important thing? We can all do as we want but it can be pleasurable and rewarding all around to talk about it sometimes.
To ‘Discuss’.
Peter <3
* What a difference an ‘r’ makes. Luckily we are not going to be mentioning shirts!
…let me keep it short here; you are my… “objet petit a” …and that is the mother of the mother of… compliments !
…but to keep it more honest, i don’t know since when exactly im reading and commenting your blog, i think 3 years or something, i dont know if im always hitting the nail (ouch, ouch !) , and yes i’m straight ahead in face sometimes… but i must say you are really growing…leaving therapist, seagulls, beefcakes behind… your post are from different kind of sovereignty, serenity than the older ones… you were always reflecting youself, but the keysignature changes in a, let say, healthy way like i insinuating you always were, but somekind overreflected with yourself as an object (janteloven)…..so i mean …you are a good one ! …and the hell i would like to party with you !!! 😉
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
You wrote that you choose to be selfish. Are you writing this because of some inner conflict between fulfilling your own needs and fulfilling other people’s needs?
I’m happy that you seem to sense that there are better choices than to do things out of duty, guilt, shame or fear of punishment. Note that rewards are also a form of punishment, you don’t get the reward if you don’t do what they want you to do.
I feel hopeful by your finishing words on how to love more by following your own needs. I couldn’t agree more. I believe we always have a choice to follow our own needs and this choice is also the best for everyone around us, since love can only come from following our own true needs.
In my opinion the thoughts you have about being selfish is just cultural programming. When you only do things out of your own true needs and feel happy about it then you know you are free from this programming.
The only problem is that you must be prepared to be punished for it by people who are not as free as you yet. Know that it is not their fault that they act in this brainwashed way. Help them to be more free by guessing their true needs and show them how that helps them to love more.
Obviously I’m saying that it’s not selfish to be ‘selfish’. It’s the best way to love yourself and others
Or maybe not obviously, sorry a bit rushed :/ But no, no inner conflict!
As always great having these topics spoken about never too strong to actually start it myself like you i am always second guessing myself including writing this comment, but having said that I always feel guilty. Is there any advice you can give yourself (mostly to me-selfish I know) for maybe making the right decisions for yourself and our future either being planned or spontaneous yet making life so complicated for others Maybe I am making wrong decisions in the long run?
Any particular decision? Or just in general? I see it like there are no wrong decisions. Which seems like an easy way out, but I really feel that way! Because the choices we made in the past we made for a reason, right? So if it feels right at the time, it probably was. And if it turned out to be wrong, then there’s nothing you can do about it.. And nothing you could have known. And stupid to waste time and energy thinking about in hindsight. Thinking like this makes stuff a lot easier. haha. The most important thing for me is MAKE A CHOICE! Do it. Something. Don’t wait.
I know you are no therapist but I find your words so humane yet I gotta ask If I were to make a choice and I knew it was bad is it always justified. Having said that Im glad to have made the decision to follow your wisdom words!!!
<3 <3 <3
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
– – Albert Einstein
Very quiet here……….very quiet……..what happened to you?
I agree, getting to the stage of not checking in anymore. Sad as I enjoyed the various threads.
As Socrates probably once said. ‘The unexamined life is not worth a living to the psychotherapy profession’!
hey viktoria, hope everything is fine, as far that “everything” reaches 😉
viktoria, could you contact me by email, cause i’m researching for “arne naess” and you are the only norwegin i “know” 🙂 , so may you could help me to understand the setting of the post WW2 norway which is so far i can see, heavy influenced by arne naess.
he is a important person for the extinction rebellion movement, and i try to figure out how to locate his thoughts with also the not unproblematically aspect of his radical pluralism -> deep ecology
so may you could help me to dive into the state of mind of being “norwegian” in that aspekt, like, what are the quiet or loud premises like the…janteloven you know
so if you interest in doing that and understand what i mean, it would be totally great ! 🙂 may you know someone who knows someone who is the grandson of… you know 🙂
PS: isn’t “the little one” somehow deeply in his footsteps if i think twice ?!
greetings mark !