“I can only be happy when I control everything.”
I started thinking this morning.. because I’ve been (I’m painfully aware of) having so many good days, I dare say weeks! It’s been utterly, totally wonderful. In my zone, in my cave -don’t remember last time I had to go to the shops -it’s like I’ve been living in one of those shelters or panic rooms built in case of natural disasters or a chemical explosion leaving the air toxic or whatever would force us underground to survive. And it just hit me, how fragile it is, when all of the rest of the world and its inhabitants can at any given moment barge in and destroy it.. this oasis, this perfected peaceful worry free environment I so carefully have constructed around me to protect myself.
I love those movies, where she goes on a spiritual journey, try to learn something about the universe or herself. Maybe it’s through a walk in the Wild, a trip with eating, praying and loving, a new life under the Tuscan sun.. She either learns something, about her self, where she was and where she needs to go. Her relationships. Grieves. It might be fleeing awareness, or it really sinks in and affects her for the rest of her life. She ends up with a knot pulled tighter anyways. A sense of calm, an answer. Love also has the tendency to creep in there. Seal the deal. Make sure we truly get the fact (and the punchline); she’s happier now..! I refer to this abstract character as she simply cause it’s more relatable to me.
But the rest of them, they take nothing from their experience except the full knowledge that they were happy before. They go home to find that life is messy. And that’s ok. Beautiful even. And her family do appreciate her (cause the little one drew a picture while she was gone and her husband really is the love of her life cause he..remembered something! I don’t know, but he’s the one yet again, imperfect as he may be). It’s really uplifting! Because life is messy. And the challenge is to accept that and dance along with it. That’s the whole point, really.
I really want to be her. We all do, right? Either to find a path.. Or realize we already did.
Right now it feels like I had to choose. The life alone, with no one to destroy my day. My routine and plans. No family, no husband, no children, no animals. No no-one to set me off. Make me go painful in my stomach.. Fuck. I’m hurting on my insides today. Because of nothing. An interruption. A step outside. I feel like I have to choose from up there or down here. Up there. Fully exposed, pains on the outside, emotional highs and lows, close relationships, messy!, laughter tears, food and wine and friends and late nights, feeling tired! sleeping in working hard -celebrating. Or down here. Facilitated. Safe. Predictable. With a system. You taketh and give back, there are rules and when crossed punishment awaits.. It makes so much more sense down here. I feel happier down here. Life up there is so painful.
Yet, happiness lives up there. Love lives up there. We’re supposed to be up there. To love and to hurt, fail and succeed. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH IT -it’s life! Just life.
What about us that feel like we can’t? Not on the outside looking in, wanting to be part of it. More like a former participant leaving the party early without telling anyone. To go home. To facilitate. To be safe in his predictable system he’s created. Not knowing if or when he’ll join the party again. With the reassurance that he can. He can choose.
All I know right now is I want to go back to my happy place again. With so much work and stitches yet to sew I simply can’t afford the cost of life.
det er så nydelig at du kan få tankene dine ned i tekst på denne måten. åh.
Gotta love Viktorias writing.
Happy Birthday btw Robin.
Beautiful. Life is all about balancing those states, it’s very easy to hide away and just be with ourselves, very comfortable. But lonely.
Sometimes you have to get messy, even if means you have to do the washing after. Bah!
I dont think its unhealthy to be down there. Youre getting things done, in the way you know how, and if youre happy, dont let people disrupt you. What you wrote is really genuine and i enjoyed reading it. It opened my mind a bit. Life is just strange and hard and we do need to take those moments to get out of our box and do things. But do what youre happy doing. It seems like in like when things are going good, at least for me, i get skeptical bout what bad thing is about to happen. But this makes us stronger and wiser. You know this. Keep doing what youre doing lovely. And defeat any demons that come your way to ruin your fun. Youre a bad ass mofo you know.
In life*
Alyssa, I kinda find you a bit cute with your way of thinking when it comes to comments 👍😜 do you do bloggs too? 😉
No, i dont write blogs
I spend a lot of time ‘down there’, ‘in there’. I love it! I like to think everyone lives everybody’s life, like we are all the same soul just living and experiencing one life at a time. Nothing is lost and everything is experienced. It’s a little strange but it helps me cope with the thought that I might be missing out or wasting my time. Nothing is a waste as we are all going to do what we end up doing; control being the greatest illusion. I don’t do organised religion but I believe in God (in my own way it seems). If God is everything then surely he is us and maybe created a way to experience without having a sense of him/her/itself. One universe one soul. I feel too much and need my cave but I want to find my ‘other’ so my cave is wherever she is, I would enjoy or endure anything. Love really is the corner stone of a happy life (me thinks), I’m so happy you have yours
Great blog once again 👏🏻 But yeah I get you and I also want to say That nothing ever seems what it is including meeeting idols which is so frustrating not being up in life with every one else.