I’m going to SOUTH AFRICA ! (Thank you Vegard)

I’m going to do this one in english. Not because there’s so many english speaking people following my norwegian blog. Just one. For my new bff, Katy. Or ‘Perry’ as I call her sometimes. Mostly when I’m upset with her.

Obviously I’m joking. I don’t know her. We’re worlds apart, Katy and I.

It’s my little sister she’s bff’s with.

Anyway, enough about Katy, jeez, she always seems to sneak up in a conversation. I’m leaving tomorrow. And I’ve been feeling so many things these last days. Butterflies. Tears of joy. Nausea. Fear. Trips, or more accurately; flashes down memory lane I’d rather not take. Feeling humble. Grateful. Trouble sleeping. No problem eating though, ironically

(I’ve probably fucked up that natural communication system that’s usually between your brain and your stomach forever as it is smudged with insecurity and trust-issues, pointing fingers and memories of shame). But it’s fine. I just really can’t wait anymore. I’ve waited 8 years.

And. Now. I. Can’t. Wait. Any. Longer.

I ‘m going to see my host family.

And that family’s bff-family. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past the last couple of weeks and conclude with what Carrie says when cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big while he’s married; It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

I say this because being an exchange student at 16 -fleeing the continent for South Africa to get as far away from myself and my emotional life as I possibly could, turned out to be so much more than I expected. Of everything. I didn’t expect to fall in love with my family and the ones surrounding it as much as I did, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

Which leads me to the feeling of guilt. Guilty because they took me into their family SO gracefully, with two young impressionable girls in the house, and I can’t shake that horrible feeling that I may have exploited the situation. Not may, actually, let’s be honest. I did. It’s an ugly truth, but it’s an ugly disease.

 The flashes of presentness (can I say that?), those moments when I was so happy I can’t imagine being happier. And proud of bringing myself there. To those moments. I learned so much in that year. Most of all that I couldn’t stay where I was at.

And the moments of loneliness. Not that I was alone physically, all though I struggled making friends at school because of my everything, the coming-down from things, the hangover, the sunday and harsh promise of monday the day after (and if you read my blog you know I’m only starting to like mondays just now).

The country. Africa! So much more to this country than hot weather and surfing or sunbathing whilst sipping cocktails (really? there’s cock in cocktail?!). The animals, the nature, the sounds. I never expected to feel so drawn to it. And come to think of it, I was so lucky during my year! Maybe not lucky, more like the people around me took really good care of me and made sure I was properly introduced to the place. I went on safari’s, hiking in the Drakensberg, slept in caves, showered under trees amongst wild animals, travelled the country -from beach houses in Durban to Cape Town and Pretoria. And I tried real ganja (not with the family of course!). Ah..We laughed so hard that night.

This feels like a big test for me. A personal test. I feel this enormous need, almost, to be a success story in their eyes. The day I left South Africa, 17 years old and feeling like absolute shit because of the 5 kg I had put on for my homecoming, I remember my host dad say to me that I had to sort myself out eventually. We spoke about everything! But we never spoke about these things. Which I always appreciated and saw as a sign of respect. He knew I knew. And those words have been with me for all these years. And now I feel like they are my mirrors and I’ll know if I’m only kidding myself or if I really have moved on when I see them.

I know. I’m getting carried away. I’m fine now. And they look very fine. And we’ll be FREAKIN’ HAPPY TOGETHER!!!!!!

Have to pack my bag now. See you on the other side. Unless I die of excitement first.