I put a long weekend, leaked into late Monday night, behind me. I’m so tired. Which is also good. One should get really tired before the Christmas holidays. That’s how you know it’s gonna be good.
I just can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and felt good about myself. Not that I think anybody really does these days. But it’s really left me tearing up more than I feel that I have the energy for lately. I’m so over it. So over my self and my endless need for physical satisfaction. Why does it matter so much to me? How I think other people see me?
So my social and panic anxiety’s really bad. It’s always bad when I don’t feel pretty. I know, stupid. But there it is.
Also me.
Wined up (yes, I did just write that) in these Christmas and Christmas-parties-times. Putting on makeup like I’m ready to do social confidence and act like I really care about what you’re saying to me.
Feeling great about myself.
Only thing I feel great about is the velvet I currently live in and the red pantyhose.
And I do care, for the record. What you have to say to me.
I’ve been staying at my sisters for a couple of nights as a result. At this point I’m crying after one glass of wine over the fact that they can even stand having me. Which is ridiculous. I know they love me, I just don’t see how sometimes.
Anyways, I’m dragging these red legs to bed now. After one episode of The Crown. Early rise and a trip to the capitol with the little one tomorrow. She said she was stoked I was coming.
I’ll take her word for it.
Everybody feels some point that is not enough or not so pretty …I do sometimes but for your record you are inteligent and beautiful and very talented and i’m sure your sis love you no matter what. ..hope you have a blast with the lil one tomorrow and a good night!!😍😘
Ps: missed your posts
*hugs* (idk if you like hugs) one time i had a dream that me and you drank wine together. Thats all lol. I think youre pretty great, and so is your velvet. Have you watched the tv series bates motel? I just started that one about 4 days ago. Im on season 4 now
I have actually! But fell off it for some reason.. I loved it!
You’re so sweet Alyssa <3 I think it'd be so nice to drink wine with you. You're pretty gret too.
*hugging back*
Yo I think your are really beautiful even with your anxiety I think, remember you always have Aurora to look forward too cheers not getting super drunk till Christmas day 🌷🍺
Hmm, I have those same days. Funny how we have that voice in the back of our minds telling us we’re garbage; it’s bollocks you know! Maybe it’s there to force us to look into the mirror and figure out our truths….
Besides I’d happily share your company and you always look great, and you have damn fine legs especially in red (don’t tell your husband)! 😛
You know I recently saw some advice given to a woman on Twitter by Dan Harmon, the funny man responsible for stuff like Community or Rick and Morty (not sure if those are your kind of shows) it’s really lovely though I’ll leave it here:
“For One: Admit and accept that it’s happening. Awareness is everything. We put ourselves under so much pressure to feel good. It’s okay to feel bad. It might be something you’re good at! Communicate it. DO NOT KEEP IT SECRET. Own it. Like a hat or jacket. Your feelings are real.”
“Two: try to remind yourself, over and over, that feelings are real but they aren’t reality. Example: you can feel like life means nothing. True feeling. Important feeling. TRUE that you feel it, BUT…whether life has meaning? Not up to us. Facts and feelings: equal but different”
“Dark thoughts will echo off the walls of your skull, they will distort and magnify. When you open your mouth (or an anonymous journal or blog or sketchpad), these thoughts go out. They’ll be back but you gotta get em OUT. Vent them. Tap them. I know you don’t want to but try it.”
“The most important thing I can say to you is please don’t deal with it alone. There is an incredible, miraculous magic to pushing your feelings out. Even writing “I want to die” on a piece of paper and burning it will feel better than thinking about it alone. Output is magical.”
Sounds much like some of your own wisdom I think; keep pouring it out, keep analysing, have your bad days and really appreciate the good ones, there’s plenty of people in your life to remind you of your value Viktoria! x
P.S. Sorry I write so damn much! 😀
🙂
I have been reading you since 2016, but I was affraid to coment something. (I dont know why)
I have social anxiety too, I have been living with it since i was a kid, but i didn´t know.
We are only animals that can speak, feel and think deeply, I mean, we still have the fucking same instincts, be accepted.
When I see that the things that I felt about myself comes from my animal part crashing with my human being part, I could solve a part of the problem.
I don´t feel ulgy, but I don´t like watch myself in a mirror. Maybe it is because I don´t like be a men or I just don´t feel physically attractive to people. (I´m not L.g.b.t because I know that it comes from a trauma)
That comes from me, and not from the other people, because some people see me beauty others not, but this is life.
I feel that I can´t “help” you with your feelings, because sometimes we just want to be “sad” or “bad”, and don´t want to be helped. When I am in that “state” I like to go to the nature or whichever is closer.
And changing drastically, I love these Xmas pants/pantyhose I would use ones like that in 24th.
<3
Dear Viktoria keep wearing things that make you feel good (OMG you look fantastic in velvet and red!!!)
It does seem ridiculous sometimes that we can’t understand how someone can love us (I feel like that sometimes) usually when I am experiencing “dark thoughts that echo off the walls of your skull, distorting and magnifying things” (so beautifully put, thanks James for drawing attention to those words)… hang in there, there are lots of distractions coming up, the trip with your sister and of course, Christmas!! Enjoy what you can and I look forwards to hearing all about it 🎄🍾😀
<3
Dear victoria, I am very straight forward and say what I think, and that is really constructive meant, as it arrives, unfortunately I can not influence.
i had to think about the fact that people who permanently use their navigation system lose their sense of direction. Although one must always consider the intrinsic life of analogy or metaphors critically, but I would still lean out of the window and say: in Germany we have a nice word “selbstvergessenheit” it refers to the soothing absence of self-perception and is a positive feeling. and maybe you just set up a life that has too many mirrors and cameras that make you lose something, namely, what you think you are preserving ?!
or …may you have a strange narcissistic disorder, and you need to tell your story about your illness again and again to have a self-reported narrative that confirms you that there is you and so the disease must not stop, because you think that you will otherwise cease to exist ???
Compliments always sound nice but do not help, so I prefer to dress very directly but sincerely! however that may be, i really wish you and your family a merry merry Christmas !!!
PS: for eternity, you are a really beautiful woman, and now forget about yourself to become youself !
I’m not writing this blog for others to evaluate my behavior and give me advice, you know that right?
It makes me feel good. I love writing, it makes me feel better once I’ve written and hit Send. I don’t write to anyone specific. So please take your German words and advice elsewhere.
I don’t feel like disassociating with my body or my mind in order to feel better, I love the human mind, even mine. This isn’t some sick hobby of mine preserving an illness..! I mean, wtf? To remove mirrors and try to leave or forget whatever’s going on with you sounds terrible. And very dangerous I might add in many cases. Knowing what’s happening inside yourself and why it’s happening can save your life. At least make it bearable. For some. You do whatever you need to do. I would never give advice to anyone personally unless I was qualified to do so. You don’t know me and my illness.
I also don’t think I make myself worse by writing my, apparently, narcissistic blog. Forget about myself to become myself… I get what you’re trying to say, but that’s horrible advice.
hello victoria,
Firstly, I would never speculate about your clinical bipolar disorder, I have not, I do not know you at all, I know you only as text and image.
but you are hopefully already aware that you create a public space “characterized” in the perceptions about you, which may then also be communicated, whether they are wrong or right that is anyway something else again, if these categories make sense at all, since it is only text first, which arises with the same freedom as yours too. but that is just the rule of hermeneutics, in the moment you send it to the public will deal with people and then it is of course no longer just your text, interpretation and interpretation you can not intentionally prohibit, they arise in the debate with the effect of just this. if I would know you personally, maybe I would have a completely different picture of you and would have completely different associations to your writings … who knows?
I hope you have noticed that I asked three question marks behind my narcissism-association … that was no coincidence but absolutely wanted! provocative no question, but friction makes heat and I hope you see that it is not meant to be destructive!
the specific metaphor for which I was concerned with the navigation system and the sense of orientation, was exactly related to the fact that this permanent reflection under circumstances can not lead to enlightenment, emancipation, etc. of itself but can turn into its opposite.
therefore, my only advice, which is really no devilish, on the contrary, was that of “self-forgetting” as a kind of psycho-hygiene in a world in which narcissism has become part of an economic principle and the mirroring of oneself is its own market “facebook” “instagram” etc. that’s almost history. that this causes highly problematic distortions in the self-image and has consequences for whole societies, from isolation over hatespeech to fakenews and even much further is only really realized … that’s what I was about
Anyway, come on good and healthy in the new year!
and that is really meant that way! no provocation here 😉
I write about that all the time, getting over yourself. This is the place I dump my fears and insecurities, how I get past them or at least try. Then I can put my laptop down and go about my day. I learn through reflection that we all fear not being accepted and understood, most of all perhaps loneliness. And through that insight I can be better towards myself, judge others less and be a better friend. I know that’s healthy. For me at least. And I did get offended.
First, happy new!
I’m sorry if it was too harsh at one point, but I would like to point out again that I wanted to show that since the beginning of the civilization, a deal with the self, which works towards suffering by overcoming the “me” to end. whether that is meditation or reflection. There is nothing insulting or even evil in it, but it concerns all mortal beings who are aware of themselves, their finiteness, and a culture of self-reflection. that’s what you do with your blog otherwise he would not interest me either.
but and I do not have to tell you that, of course, you always move in the paradox to express something very intimate and at the same time to make the implicit premise that you do not want to see it negotiated. for someone who is interested in you, let’s say difficult. that sometimes hurts, I believe a bit in the nature of the matter. that it is not meant to be destructive, I can refute only by interest. and perhaps my criticism of the zeitgeist of narcissism affects just this circle problem … but that’s just maybe the price of freedom …
I ‘m over all these theories and definitions. I don’t really care about them. But I get it, nothing is black or white. Just don’t give advice like that unless they’re wanted. At least not to me.
After rereading this I wonder does Aurora ever give you advice for being happy like she is everyday just wonder 🤔 please don’t take this the wrong way?
No. You can’t really give happiness advice. Besides, she isn’t happy every day. No one is!
Well said so now you may only know this my dream is to meet Aurora Aksnes in person this year 666=2018 to show her my love in feeling S wise 😁
I hope you get to meet her too 🙂 She’s pretty awesome.
OMG just heard Aurora will be at coachella this year can’t wait to see her hope to see you too and let her know to be careful there’s lots of people that go there just fyi. 😁
Haha, we know a lot of people go there. Hope I’m able to go too!!
I really think that you are an inspiration. My life has always been a roller coaster, the people who are trying to help me are extremely annoying.
These are the two things they say:
“Get over it!”
“I know how you feel…”
It is just annoying because they do NOT know how I feel. I read your blog everyday, sometimes I hate it because there is nothing knew for me to read. I try to read your Norwegian blogs (I have been practicing) but it is a struggle. Your blogs are words of wisdoms to me, it does not make me happy, but it does make me feel better.
Furthermore, I CANNOT SMILE! I look like a psychopath or a serial killer when I do so. It is so frustrating. If you want to hurdle any insults at me go ahead because your smile makes me jealous. I would love to have a smile like yours.
If you get something from me, that makes me feel so happy <3 You inspire me too! And I bet if you're smiling for the right reason to the right person it's beautiful. I even think when mine is genuine it really is the best look.
Let's NOT get over it, let's learn how to accept it!
22cm of snow. Another 8cm this afternoon and tonight. -24c right now, high for the day maybe -9c. But at least the sun is shining today. When it comes up at 8:00. It’s probably warmer in Bergen than it is in Detriot. Viktoria I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. ps, I translated the snowfall and temps. for the rest of the world.
🙂 I love snow. And cold!
About that t.a.g. diatribe…..
What a confusing dialogue. I agree with you Viktoria. This is absolutely horrible advice and like you said this is a personal blog, not some open forum seeking therapy session. I mean, really? You’re graciously sharing your life story. A pretty brave feat in itself.
To suggest internally abandoning oneself wholly and simply give in to nothingness, or anarchy, sounds a lot like simply just…..giving up. If you can’t embrace who you are, then how can you possibly progress forward with your journey in life? How does one grow without overcoming your own personal challenges? This Hegelian Dialectic advice to addressing your own life just sounds utterly deceptive. And this person’s implied narcissism clearly shows to me that this person doesn’t understand that condition or being bipolar. Finally, this existential association with your blog to broad social dogmas is really reaching. Giving this way more thought than I would like to; this looks more like soft trolling than anything else. Then there is that name t.a.g. …… Like tag your it.
Thank you kirk!! Not to gang up on t.a.g, but yeah.. It may work for others, but I totally agree with you <3
So I do not comment on that now, since I have not talked to anyone else except for viktoria, as it is now finally her blog. Actually, I did not intend to do that, but I would be very happy if the knight of the noble form, as he is now quite belligerent on the road, shows me what the Hegelian dialectic of my statements is? that would interest me madly!
Oh yes, as we are already in the enlightenment: “t.a.g.” stands for “the annoying German”.
in that sense, it will be light! 😉
On a totally positive note……. I want to wish you, your husband, your sisters and the rest of your family and friends a wonderful and fantastic celebration of the New Year! May the wine flow like water and the future fortunes of 2018 be as sweet! You guys worked really hard for it, you deserve it.
Also, A Happy New Year to all you fellow bloggers! May good fortunes smile upon you all as well! ^_^
Kirk
And happy New Years to you too!! I’ll send the love to the others! 🙂 🙂
And most of us.. We all worked hard didn’t we? Life is hard!
Viktoria everything I have read from you comes across as genuine, raw, honest and hearfelt. The reasons you explained in your reply above, as to why you choose this form of expression are wonderful and I am so glad you share in this way. In doing so you rise well above us all some days, shining like a star with amazing observations. Its fascinating to read and I feel for you when you are experiencing lows and I am so happy for you when things are going well.
I respect your choice to use this platform to share your thoughts and feelings and I feel lucky to have learned many wonderful things from you that have helped me to grow! Sending you love and hugs and HAPPY NEW YEAR Victoria, may 2018 be wonderful in every way for you! 🍾🥂⭐️
And you reading makes me so happy and accepting of myself and HUMANS! In general! We all try to run don’t we. It seldom works out very well :/
Thank you!! <3 I wish you a very happy 2018 too!
I really think that you are an inspiration. My life has always been a roller coaster, the people who are trying to help me are extremely annoying.
These are the two things they say:
“Get over it!”
“I know how you feel…”
It is just annoying because they do NOT know how I feel. I read your blog everyday, sometimes I hate it because there is nothing knew for me to read. I try to read your Norwegian blogs (I have been practicing) but it is a struggle. Your blogs are words of wisdoms to me, it does not make me happy, but it does make me feel better.
Furthermore, I CANNOT SMILE! I look like a psychopath or a serial killer when I do so. your smile makes me jealous. I would love to have a smile like yours.
It sometimes tak a bit to approve the comments 🙂 🙂
LOL! I was getting quite frustrated that it was “still going through moderation” I nearly hit my computer. The fact that you replied makes me really happy.
I guess it would be another 10 days for this comment to be heard, By the way, the reason I changed the name to Hari was because I thought the server would not think The Better Cat is sensible (although all cats are sensible. All heil cats!) but i would definitely use The Better Cat simply because it is better.
No, I just had Christmas holiday 🙂
viktoria, no problem, I understand, it will not happen again … that was too harsh I admit.
I saw aurora’s christmas concert in the niderasdomen yesterday … life on mars … what pure sad beauty lies in her, absolutely moving! thanks !
It was good wasn’t it? She’s very special.
I can relate so much to your thoughts actually. I like reading your blog, feel like I am not alone. Btw. What camera are you using in you pictures?
I’m glad, Heidi. You’re not alone 🙂
I’m using Samsung nx300