If I only flutter for a day I want to act accordingly

I’ve been so emotional lately.

Well, more than usual, that is. I’ve experienced a steady emptiness for a while now that seems to have been replaced, much appreciated, with a lot of emotions all of a sudden. Thank The Universe! I’m finding myself feeling and living quite largely. I’m trying to put my finger on it without much luck I feel.. I just feel like there’s so many outcomes and I just want mine to be the best possible. I feel fearless. Open. Like no one and no one’s opinion matter when it comes down to it. Overwhelmingly scared of ending up unhappy. Almost like falling in love. You know that feeling when it kind of hurts because the amount of excitement and happiness shakes your core so hard that when faced with the possibility of loosing it it makes your stomach turn? It’s next to unthinkable because life as you know it just changed. Makes me sick thinking about loosing a life to fear. Wasted.

I mean, when was the last time you felt great? I’ve been so scared to the extent of isolation lately of hitting a wall due to overdoing it socially and loosing control over myself and my routines I imagine makes my life, but now that this socially busy week has come to an end I actually feel great. Well, what do you know?! I feel alive again!

Pause for view.

Whenever I get lost in Carl Sagan and his beautiful collaboration of words I get this same, almost nauseous feeling. I feel dizzy. The heaviness of the realization of the overwhelming amount of possibilities and availabilities that is out there.. A lifetime is so small I fear that I might choke on it in desperation to fit it all in my mouth at once.

Don’t you ever get scared? Scared of the graveness that lies in a choice? The possibility of grieve that feels larger than life itself? Fear of loving and experiencing because that means there’s the opportunity of loosing it? I’m so scared of not owning my life due to fear of judgement that comes with failure. Life can be so amazing if you view it the right way and I feel at this very moment that I got my perception of depth right.

I saw a thing about millennials the other day and how it’s not our fault we’re less satisfied than people before us. And I felt a bit relieved and pity for us to be honest. ’cause we were dealt a shit hand. There’s been shitty hands before us (different ones) and there will be shitty hands in the future as well obviously. But there’s more depression and more suicides (I know, how did they estimate that earlier and so on -just fucking go with it), for no apparent reason, say, like war, than ever. We’re lacking social skill development and interaction leading to loneliness, anxiety and isolation and it’s not our fault. There are reasons for this.. Parenting theories that were absolute bollocks about how we’re all so special and should reach for the stars; how we can get everything in the world if we want it badly enough.. We deserve it! We’re stars! We’re not. And we’re crashing and burning once we figure this out. We blame ourselves and end up having lives believing we failed. That we’re doomed to live lives without meaning.. The rate of technology, and the mental- and social-health challenges that comes along with it.. The speed and instant gratification in the world we grew up in.. The sense of entitlement and rush we were brought up to have that never gets us the satisfaction we’re taught we should aspire to get.. Do not settle! No wonder we’re not happy? The type of happiness we think we should seek and reach isn’t the one we need -it’s not a natural state of happiness!; having things and promotions and status has nothing to do with happiness. Nothing at all.

Awareness of these things is the first and most important step towards fighting it I reckon. The vast emptiness in these false fucking promises of fulfillment. The strength and bravery that lies in not fighting for greatness and accepting mediocrity.

I just feel like I have zero fucks to give right now, my brain’s about to explode. Because nothing matters. And if nothing matter choices are weightless. And if choices are weightless.. happiness is easy. Because we live our choices. I reckon. Don’t you?

Some pictures to describe my movements this evening. Please. Enjoy.