I have never been this old. I feel young

I LOVE having birthday.

I’m actually quite upset about it this morning, that I have to wait a whole year till next time.

But I did get this tee from a friend for my birthday. So in that sense I’m also quite satisfied and probably will be for a while now.

Also I got this plant.

And this plant. Posing over…

…This breakfast. (notice the chocolate milk. I had 3 glasses)

Yesterday was my proper celebration. Has to be on my actual birthday. I don’t know about you, at least that’s how I roll. No fear, not a care in the world what day of the week it is -ISSSS MA BURRRRSSDAY AND I’MMA PARRREYY.

My 27th birthday…

I feel so young.

Yet the feeling of having no time to loose either is slowly creeping up on me. I have a strong feeling that the best is yet to come. My good highly reasonable head also prepares me for the opposite. Maybe the time to Brace, brace is just around the corner. Or maybe I can sit back and will never have to for the rest of my life.

I had an amazing night last night. Pre-drinks with his and my parents (obviously also the first one present) to french la musique at our place followed by beautiful food at restaurant 1877. More drinks, shameless winks and a shoedrop and a piggyback ride all the way to the taxi, then home. Lovely.

I was even able to perpetuate this joy in a couple of exemplary bathroom selfies anno 2017;

Starting off with a Classic selfie. Angle is errrrryting. One might actually say this is the Rolls Royce of selfies.

Then there’s the Full figure, hand on hip, one foot running for his life away from the remains of the body-selfie

The “wtf is this..? is that a random pose?? tryin’ to have swag or just born withit, are you in some sort of mid-action-shit?!?, is it staged?!??!! WHAT IS IT!!!!” -selfie

(for me this is natural btw, don’t have to stage no thing, just comes natural to me. I just look cool)

The mirror selfie. Also classic. 

Very practical, gives full control over everything. BUT your hand. Gives huge hands.

Group selfie. Not known for their quality or over-all satisfaction of it’s participants, but still known as the best selfies.

Anyway.. my thoughts!! Came home around 0130 and ate leftover pasta with my husband watching an episode of How to get away with murder, and just remember thinking to myself; I’m hungry. I’m still hungry. Normally I would’ve shook my head (lovingly) at the other one and asked him how he could still be hungry after a three course meal? That we consumed 4  (!!!) hours ago?

I remember thinking I hadn’t even been that full leaving the restaurant several hours earlier.

So I started, yet again…… calculating. What we all do when left unsure of what to feel or think about ourselves. Don’t lie, you’ve done it, -you go through the list.

I had breakfast.

PLUS hot chocolate. Must not forget hot chocolate. Full fat milk-hot chocolate..

50 min run.

a fucking handful of FUCKING ALMONDS !

pathetic

and ACTUALLY made justifiable in my head, since going out for a three course meal later..

and now, the meal, a three course consisting of a bowl (more like the bowl you pour your soy sauce eating sashimi in ) of soup, delicate filet of fish followed by spoon of sorbet and two truffles.

And to think I was still hungry !

I fucking was. And the pasta was fantastic. And I just, I woke up this morning still hungry. Rolled over and said out loud Enough. I’m done now. I want to be done now.

So today I’m baking myself a cake. 1) I don’t call sorbet a desert. 2) I feel like cake. 3) I’m 27 now and don’t have time for this bullshit, I have to grow the fuck up; I have a job to do goddammit 4) I’ve been tired for two months now, working so hard – going nowhere. I want to be stronger than this, happier, I wanna run further than this! Running has been so hard lately.

And these thoughts.. These cycles, if you will.. They tend to come and go with us eating disordered people. At least those of us who want to get better. And while our weight might some times fluctuate, it can be a little or a lot, loss or gain, it also might not fluctuate at all. The core of the problem is mostly settings. Are my settings set in a way that makes me anxious, scared, shameful, angry and depressed around food? Telling me to stay away from it, but all it really does is pull me towards it? Makes me think of it EVERY second of EVERY day and night? Are they set in a way that makes me feel that I don’t need food? I’ll just lay here and give up. Waste away. Not care. Or are they set in a way that makes food a non-issue? A necessity? A family member you can’t stand, but HAVE to sit with? A gift to your body? Acquired nourishment? Or dare I even say it; a feast..? Something you want?

The different settings may have very different outcomes, or they might just look the same. We never, I never, know how an eating disorder looks like. I just know that I’ve been bad in my head lately, my settings have been off and I need to change them. I want to change them. Because with all that energy given back I can really do a lot of shit this year.

27 – I greet you! With a fresh pair of settings! Whatever that means. I HAVE A CAAKE TO MAAAAKE!!!

(And for the record, I did have more for breakfast yesterday than that egg and piece of bacon. Not nearly enough, but definitely more. I just thought it was a really cool picture)