I don’t fear sadness. Felt a lot of that lately. Sadness for what my social anxiety does to my life. I hate saying those words, let alone write them.
Social anxiety..
We all have it! To some degree. We all care.. Are aware of ourselves in the company of others.
I’ve just been very owned by mine lately. Couple of episodes and I’m suddenly caught in a downward spiral without an emergency exit in sight. So I end up doing what I always do. I make one. And that’s a lonely lonely way out. And it makes me very sad. It makes me sad that I can’t be for you what I so wish to be. I want to smile to you, give you some of my warmth. I want to think good thoughts about you. About us. As I behind all my ugly ones know you have for me. I’m sorry my mind is telling me you think I’m disgusting. My friend. I want to be interested in your life. I want to remember what you said and ask you new questions. I want to want to be around you. Not to hate you. You see, I do. Temporarily. Not afterwards. Not when I’ve made my great escape and done exactly what I didn’t want to do.
To leave you.
Now I’m only sad and alone. No victory or relief. Just sad for leaving you. Leaving you with one question hanging in the air. Did you do something wrong?
You didn’t.
All I want is to go back to you. But the brief moment following me leaving you released so much emotions that there is no way back to something resembling a situation where we are both humans with dignity, equals. And I can’t have that. The bubble burst and it feels like I just climaxed on built up fear and tension. Bit of hate. Quickly followed by sadness and tears. It won and I let it drag me away from a situation I know I would’ve survived if I endured it long enough. I’ve won that battle before. And even though painful, so much more painful giving in. Now just more in my heart because I’ve also let it affect you. My friend. Now a little tainted.
So I avoid you. And it really is the last thing I want.
Besides this, this week of defeat, I did have some friends over Friday to celebrate Tom Petty. It was so nice.
That’s the secret to being social when broken by anxiety; your turf, your rules. Plus plenty of time –days if you have- before and after.
And a little bit of wine.
I feel it in my bones that fall is here, winter around the corner. Dark after three, no one can see, woll socks and fuzzy legs. I’m so ready for this.
Its only human to think the thoughts we think. Im not sure if this post is towards the readers or elsewhere. I do know that i have views that are not the same as yours, but i sort of embrace that, i love the variety. When i comment sometimes i ramble and i dont feel like i look sophisticated/smart. I always want to comment and contribute something that represents my existence, but sometimes i get mad at myself,thinking what im saying isnt good enough or it doesnt relate at all to the post, like this comment might be. and avoid commenting all together. But oh well
I want to say love you, but we dont reeaaallly know eachother. But know for the extent of what i know, i send my love with you. And am here always. ❤
Damn im so sappy.
Im cool i promise 😂
I think you’re cool 🙂 Always write, nothing is silly and stupid!
Ditto! I think you are cool too fellow artist. 🙂
Aw it’s you that reminds me that things don’t last forever and to keep fighting 🤚🏻 Sucks that the people we trust the most are the people we hurt the most one way or another how can we ever overcome this 🤔
Always keep fighting. Two steps forward, one step back. Through knowing ourselves and our own actions and patterns, like I’m always trying to do, hopefully we can get to a place where we are more tolerant towards others. And we won’t be so hurt by their actions 🙂
What if you know too much of yourself? Is that possible, is it possible that I am intolerant of everything.
Or others are intolerant towards me
I’m not sure I’m following.. I don’t think you can know too much no. Some may no benefit from all awareness, but I believe most do..
Dear Viktoria you have to go with your instincts I guess. When you fight it you fight it well and I suppose sometimes you have to just give in. Maybe thats ok. You are certainly complex. We all are in our own ways. I will never hold that or anything you say or do against you. You will always be to me, a very special person that I unconditionally love.
And like Alyssa points out, I am not sure who your post is directed to and regardless that I reeeally don’t know you either, I have grown to know a part of you revealed through your posts and I am so inspired by you. If you are directing these thoughts to us, the ones who share with you on a regular basis, I’ll miss you if you leave…maybe you are going into winter hibernation and you can come back in spring? ❄️❤️
It is ok to give in. It just gets me sad sometimes, when I really don’t want to.
And I’m not leaving the blog! That’s my free-space! I mean social settings. Excluding myself from stuff I want to be part of, because it’s too hard. Blogging and connecting with you from the safety of my own house is the safest I can be <3
Ok I understand. I know for me when I was young particularly, that sad feeling became so common that I would unconciously crave it. And for a long time, unknowingly created instances to invite it until it became the norm. Then it was a dark path for me for a while however I learned a lot about myself during that time and today I am proud to say that I am relatively well balanced!! (Whatever that means!!) I guess what I am saying is that it will pass and you are right to do what you can to feel safe. You are highly creative and I hope that you are using your energies to continue to make wonderful things! 😀
I want to thank you so much for opening up about mental health. I suffer from P.T.S.D. a friendly little gift given to me from my time in military service. So I’ve got alot of empathy for you, If I said I just how you feel I’d be doing you a great diservice because no one really does. Just stay strong and find someone to talk to who really gets you. We’ve got a group of guys and some girls who’ve all got the same diagnosis That met a few times a week. I think some times its the only reason the haven’t locked me up somewhere. Just stay strong and stay pretty.
Hey Pete! Thank you for writing, I’m very happy you did. And so sorry you struggle with ptsd. But proud of you that you’re dealing and living with it. Such a good idea meeting in a group. It always, so simple, helps a liiiittle bit sharing pain. You too, stay strong!!