I seriously don’t feel like I have anything to say lately. All though once I sit down I always have plenty. I’m just like everyone else plowing through the winter-ocean of grayness attempting to get over the promise of a fresh start that never happened. Hungover from the anticipation and the leaving of the greatest of all times behind.
.
Can’t wait till next Christmas.
.
Anyways. Here we are, back at it. Just shipped my latest package, a piece of her to the United States. What a feeling. I feel so close to everyone I share her with. So grateful. Not gonna write blessed (almost did) because those pants are awesome and I’d wish that Warrior-feeling for anyone.
Grateful for that and for the fact that I just earned some adult points through these guys.
I don’t know why but I’ve always felt grapefruits were of the more advanced citrusy fruits and only truly enjoyed by people on diets from the 90’s or old people. They’re fucking delicious.
Grateful for this snow. Bit late, but I’m not complaining. She said complainingly.
Ah… 2019. What will you bring?
I have so little patience and don’t care for waiting for anything. Even the baby I’m over trying for. It can come naturally.
Fuck, I’m bored.
That’s what I hope you’ll bring 2019. Something. Something to un-bore me. I’ve always had struggles and pains to occupy my time with. Now I’m fine and I want more. My goals have shifted with my abilities and I’m feeling ungrateful. Ungrateful and bored.
Ugh. Not even gonna apologize for that. Too bored. Maybe my boredom will be replaced with shame for entitled statements like that. Only time I’m not bored is when I’m running, high from starting a new project with a clear vision, going on dates with my husband and drinking wine with various people. I’m not saying my friends are boring. I’m just not feeling like a great friend nowadays or particularly engaged that’s all. Eating food is also a great option on ways to pass time. Kissing.
Lol, my life is so good. So it’s not about quality. My life is as good as it gets. I just need to switch some of the things I do for passing time. It’s not like the end goal is that great..! Death is the end of it and I’m just passing time for it to happen: We’ve all got a one way ticket to Death! And I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna enjoy the ride. I don’t belive in anything, I think we simply go away when we die. We stop existing. Just black and no reflection on how we did. No medal. No second shot at it.
I think.., looking at 2019.. I need a change. A new chapter. Which is good. Not looking for comments by the way with encouraging words about the past, present and future. It’ll only piss me off.
Grateful for hot water and clean showers. Rosacea under control.
I should do something for others. Like, if I was a housewife (my ultimate goal and purpose in life I’m convinced of -I’d be so good at it) I’d go to like somewhere in need and help. You know? Giving vaccines and play games with kids I can’t communicate with but still laughs at all of my jokes. Those people always say it puts life into perspective. For a while at least. Like a drug numbing the emptiness and purposeless lives we lead. You know, like Angelina Jolie in Beyond Borders. I admire those people.
I think my guilt would consume me.
But that’s not it though.. Because I can volunteer here as well. I tried once with a low-threshold organization for people with eating disorders. I didn’t get far after having my weekend introduction course. I felt fake. Like I didn’t do it because I wanted to, or needed to. Like I was doing it to have an image of myself helping others, some sort of proof that I was doing well and did now have excess energy to help others in need.. Whilst actually doing it to feel better about myself and not for them, not really. And I hate feeling fake. Plus it involves a lot of smiling. You have to be kind, almost saint-like to help others. I have way too much social anxiety for that. I think I’d feel better about building a concrete wall, or a well to be honest. That’d make me feel useful. Integrity intact.
Maybe I should study something. I need to get over myself. Face a new challenge. Go somewhere new. I wanna write more. Read.
What are your hopes for 2019? Anyone in the need for something new? Anyone bored of life and the repetitiveness? Anything?
Not gonna lie I feel the same way now or still but once again your sister coming to American tour gives me something new always soo soo grateful and for boredness a suggestion maybe a pet to run with?
As for 2019 I’m hoping I can actually stay insanely bored and not have this feeling to rush anywhere 🤔
I enjoy your blogs👌🏻
Not gonna lie I feel the same way but like always your sister having American tour gives me strength soo soo grateful. 🙌🏻 As far as something new maybe a pet to run with?
I have to say your blog – and therefore yourself – speaks to me on so many levels; beautifully written and with real feeling. I love it V x
Thank you Ian!! <3
Feeling the same way, thank you for sharing honestly, I really liked reading you!
Thank you!! <3
Well Viktoria, I am sorry we have been sending you some second hand grey weather. Just think of this, if you fly up a few thousand feet, the sun is shining nice and brightly. It’s only at night that they turn it off I think.
Very pretty though Norway is, do you think it is a little staid perhaps? When we holidayed there, I think we were the funniest people about and we were just being British! (Living for two weeks on Cornflakes, rice and dates and me smelling of vinegar)!
The strangest Norwegian we found was the camp site owner just outside Bodo who had his broken leg wrapped in a carrier bag. (I think it was still attached)! (Oh, I hope he was not a relative of yours, sorry if so).
Sometimes a local disaster like a neighbour being washed through their front door by a tidal wave of soap suds or a close friend needing consolation after having their garden gnome kidnapped gives us a valued purpose (I think in Germany they recently had a flood of chocolate)!
National disasters like a shortage of toilet rolls or ski wax focusses the mind also.
In the UK, we have Brexit (I think it has something to do with cake……strange, didn’t the French Revolution as well, and Agincourt “We ordered two coffees and croissants”-”Non only une”)?
So as we Brits sit here, surrounded by a wall of sand bags with our hard hats on, criss crossed tape on our glasses and a chipped enamel mug of sweet hot tea in hand, I wonder if you might feel tempted to become a bit more mischievous and play a few practical jokes on your friends and family. (Just be sure to tell us all about it).
As for me, I want to find out more about Sigrid ‘The Haughty’ and OUR King C’nut ‘The Great’, in 2019…a bit of humour there I think!
Peter <3 <3 (I could say more but I have tested your indulgence enough).
I have no idea what you’re talking about, hahaha, sorry Peter. I don’t think I’m following your train of thoughts here.. :/
Oh Viktoria. There are times in my life that I dig a hole and then accidentally fall into it, set a trap and trap myself, accidentally shoot myself with my own gun (I do not really have an animal trap or a gun by the way).
So you say ‘sorry, I do not understand’ , I try and explain everything to you and you say ‘just kidding, I did understand really, I was just being mischievous hahaha’.
You have a good command of the English language, you are very intelligent so do I or don’t I trust you?
Oh, go on then….which bits do you not understand….I am sure you are having fun with this and I will be ready with a bar of soap, bucket of warm water and a towel to wash off all that egg I am going to get on my face!!! 🙁 ;-( 😉 (I do hope you are not the re-incarnation of Sigrid ‘The Haughty'(Norse Saga’s)).
I’m saying that I’m not following. I don’t understand what you are trying to say. How fucking hard is that to understand?
Luckily I had taken the trouble to elucidate Viktoria in my later post. Though light hearted in nature, many of my comments do contain thoughts that ‘move’ me and I hope you can respect.
After all ‘Life’ could well be ‘a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury yet signifying nothing’.
(William Shakespeare, The Bard of Avon (the river, not the cosmetics company)).
(Lovely picture of the blood red Moon Viktoria…I have seen it before though should have climbed out of bed early this morning to repeat the spectacle really).
I appreciate the moment may be lost now but to briefly(?) explain my previous comments:-
Grey weather usually results in a grey mood, especially at this time of the year. The weather you get from the South West or West in Norway has usually already been over us in the UK a day or so before, that is why it is ‘second hand’ (as we love you all over there, we do not eat garlic, onions, brussel sprouts, cabbage or baked beans at such times; we do when the weather blows South though)!
My mood gets rather depressed with grey weather but I lift my spirits by thinking of the sun shining brightly above the clouds, after all, carrying on with my long term theme, ‘life’ is not quite what we think it is (this also addresses your comment about the ‘final’ nature of life… until recently, I thought as you now think, but I have lifted many ‘stones’ and discovered so many weird things under them, I just do not know now…so much is so weird, anything is possible, even things we have not thought of. How can I contemplate what I cannot know or even imagine)?
(Energy it seems is also regarded as ‘information’ by theoretical physicists by the way. Flash you electric room light on and off three times to let your 1 km distant friends know the party is about to start. Electric ‘energy’ is also ‘information’).
Silly joke about the sun being turned out at night.
An observation which I am sure was very inaccurate about the Norway of nearly 40 years ago being rather a serious place (nobody ‘pulled our leg’ (shared a joke with us) and we saw no comically altered signage or anything like that in the two weeks we were there).
Silly observational joke about man with broken leg in a bag.
Sign up for charitable work?? I have never done so but the community around you may well make demands upon you without having or wishing to sign up to anything. I have had a washing machine spew out floods of bubbles and I have heard that people have had garden gnomes kidnapped for ransom, but in my locality I have done many things from re-delivering mail, shopping for the infirm, helping an old friend up stairs with motor neuron disease to holding an elderly neighbour as he died of heart failure.
Most days I get ‘phone calls from two people who are sometimes in tears and another who this time last year was homeless but with a little ‘listening’ has done wonders. WHAT A SAINT I AM! (Sadly not because if I were there are lots of miracles I would want to work). I have not signed up to any of this…things just happen to any of us.
I have been through some trying times like the ‘Winter of Discontent’ and ‘The Cold War’ threat and ‘The Fuel Tanker Driver’s Strike’ and these things do bind us together; neighbours help each other out.
The UK’s current ‘crisis’ (sadly a very small crisis within a much, much bigger looming one which is not being addressed yet) is ‘Brexit’. I trust that come what may, if things get tough, we will try and help one another out and it will bring us closer together as a country and maybe with other countrys.
Caricature of a World War Two soldier…..the world could be falling down around him but as long as he has his cup of hot sweet tea, all will be well (stoicism).
Comic observation about Brexit. Michel Barnier “The UK can not have it’s cake and eat it” (meaning we can not leave the European Union but still hope to enjoy the privileges).
The French Revolution. Marie Antionette “If the peasants can’t afford bread, let them eat cake” (para.). She was feeling rather ‘heady’ when she said that, she wasn’t a short time afterwards!
Agincourt. The place (bow and arrow battle in France) where myth has it that the famous ‘Two Finger Salute’ was invented meaning (the four letter word that you use which it is illegal for us to use (electronically) in the UK) starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ ‘OFF’. For comic effect I am guessing the French responded with a one finger gesture!!
In conclusion, I find it very rewarding to take a light hearted view of life (Monty Python Generation you see) and practical jokes and whimsy not only lighten our moods when we are planning them but hopefully lift the moods of others when they are effected. (Maybe you do not agree)?
King Cnut ‘The Great’ and ‘Sigrid The Haughty’ are possibly for another day.
Where’s my shovel?
Peter <3 <3
I get the jokes. Most of them at least. There’s just so many references I get lost in understanding your original thought
“Just black and no reflection on how we did.”
Does it mean, that we can do anything we want? No matter if it’s good or evil. And anyway there’s no objective terms “good” and “evil” if assume this statement. And if we want, we can do bad things, and if we are smart enough – nobody will catch and punish us, and we will be unjudged. Ikke sant?
Is there any sense in trying to be better people if being bad is more profitable?
Of course we can do whatever we want! I believe in karma, and energy <3
“I don’t belive in anything, I think we simply go away when we die.”
“I believe in karma, and energy”
Det synes at troen din er avhengig av humøret ditt. 🙂 *thumb up*
I like women logic! It can destroy all male logical constructions in a second! And it’s great! 🙂 Det er bra! <3
I’m not even gonna start addressing how condescending you sound, obviously we live on different planets. Women logic?? Please. Get off my page.
Yeah I feel mostly the same. Thats why I read books from Vivekananda sometimes. You know, lots of aspiring Yogis in my family. It makes for a good mental challenge for those of us not really convinced about any rational explanation. I wonder what conversations you may have had on subject of the end with your younger sister. Great minds of slightly different view I guess. Though I could get only a glimpse of what Auri thinks about Death from few interviews. Anyway I feel grateful for every post you share. Similar vibes, yet always so different. Take care, Patrik from Czechia.
Thank you Patrik, happy to hear! x
I can’t believe, it seriously took me four months to find your blog after the domain changed. Feeling so stupid rn. :*)
“I felt fake. Like I didn’t do it because I wanted to, or needed to. Like I was doing it to have an image of myself helping others, some sort of proof that I was doing well and did now have excess energy to help others in need.”
That’s my problem when engaging in such activities as well. But was the same when I was in treatment, being asked about my mental health issues: feeling like being a pretender, while actually suffering. Maybe that’s an inherent part of our disorders, who knows. 🙂
Didn’t manage to check out the movies, books and series you advised, so far, but I found some of them here in Germany. I feel similarly bored on a regular basis, even though I actually have a lot to do regarding studying and working. What mostly catches me is utferdstrang. Like just wanting to get far away from everything to start something new.
The weirdest thing is how Aurora’s music manages to awake lots of buried feelings I don’t dare to allow myself to feel yet, even after hearing her songs so many times. Do you know that feeling?
I do! She does that to me too !
And the pretending too. I think you’re right about that, it often comes with the disorder.. A way of taking a bit of the lost control back maybe.. <3
I'm so sad it took you so long to find your way back!! Maybe I should be a bit clearer on Instagram.. Thanks for the heads up!
Your Instagram is perfectly clear. I just didn’t think of checking out Instagram. 😀 Maybe I should try out social media again after all. I tended to stay away from it, after my disorder became clearer and I tended to „quit“ it every couple of months again, but maybe the time has come to give it a chance again.
I’m super curious about the finished painting of you, by the way 🙂
Ha der bra! And keep up the awesome work you’re doing 🙂
Of course I meant „Ha det bra!“. My perfectionism made me comment on my comment just for correcting it 😉
<3
Hello Victoria, im really late with a Happy new one…but here it is !
I lost you, but you are not forgotten !!!
Im on a crappy Tablet here, so in short terms…
Yes Girl you should study as i say before !!! And for the fact that You are driven by the fundamental questions of existence… The answer is implizit… I will explain that later on pc…
PS Like your Septum Attitude 😉