I’m writing this yesterday, because today I’m preoccupied dressing, eating enough and drinking enough but not too much. In two hours I’m running a marathon.
I’ve even shaved my legs. Which (I can’t even blame it on being married since it started way before that) has become somewhat of a ritual before something big is about to happen. Birthdays, holidays, Christmas…sunny days. I don’t go around shaving my legs for no reason. I really don’t see the need to and will forever look up to those women who always have shit like that sorted out at all times.
Besides, I couldn’t shave my legs often even if I wanted to (I don’t) -my legs get really defensive when touched more than twice a week (I don’t shave them that often). My leg hair-roots are highly sensitive and prefer it if I focus on other areas, like my armpits. Those guys aren’t sensitive at all. On the bright side my legs are really soft should an occasion special enough to deserve this kind of attention occur. Like today.
Actually they’re not really that silky soft anymore since I’m writing this yesterday. (Busy eating and dressing etc., remember?) But they’re still dressed for the occasion and beat most days.
I’ve been looking forward to this day since the day I bought the ticket several months ago.
And it feels weird to say I’ve trained for this marathon.. because I haven’t. Not really. I’ve just gotten an extra excuse to spend more time running. Had a reason to test a couple of times how a really long run felt like. I never knew I’d love it as much as I did. It’s almost unfair to the people who run and hate running; I wouldn’t wish anyone who didn’t love running to run. Never. Your body doesn’t love it. it takes a lot of time. And very lonely I can imagine for a person who doesn’t like it. Long-distance running is always a lonely activity. It’s you. Your breath. no one would care if you’d stopped. The pounding on the ground. Rhythm. That sweet-spot you know you can go km after km at. There’s no measuring as to whether you finished or did good except time and distance. But you always succeed. Even if the run was small and sluggish, you still went for a run. You still won.
I felt like I was training once though. The couple of weeks after I got very bad shinsplints and a bad knee and couldn’t walk properly. I did som alternative stuff at the gym and hated it. Apparently I had really wrong shoes for running (fuck that guy, whoever you are at the sportswear shop) and the pain slowly went away after I got new ones. I haven’t cried since.
Joking, of course I have. But for different reasons than lack of running.
It’ll be exciting to see how today’s race feels like. I reckon I’ll either hate it or absolutely love it. I’ll either get anxiety from the crowds and feel too pressured to move or breathe at all and die mid-race, or start searching for the next race in a city I’ve always wanted to go to but never had a reason to the next day. Whichever it is I’m really proud of myself. This is a leap longer than I’ve taken in a long time. I’m believing in myself enough to sign up to something so publicly, telling everyone who crossed my path since knowingly that I’ll physically be feeling something close to a panic attack for several hours. Heart pounding, sweat dripping whilst looking like.. I don’t even want to give it a name, because I’ll actually be looking like myself. And not only accept that, but to embrace that.
That’s why I’m so proud of myself.
Myself..; tired, nose running (got a cold this week, obviously), sweaty, red faced and very possibly crying (not that a crowd’s ever stopped me from doing the latter).. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that that’s also me. In the last year I’ve gained kilograms, fats, muscles -I don’t care and I don’t wanna know! I feel, for the first time that I can remember, not ashamed of my body. I don’t like all of it at all times, but (for now) I can honestly say I don’t really feel the responsibility to do anything about it.
My upper arms for example. I’ve never been happy with my upper arms. Why, I don’t know. If I didn’t feel they were embarrassingly thin and had to be put away before seen, they were massive and definitely to be put away before anyone, myself included, laid their innocent eyes on them. I can probably count on one hand how many days I’ve been just the right amount of weight that made me comfortable with my arms. And that’s including water-weight and temperature. It’s thinner than I’d want it to be. That’s why I’ve decided to not care anymore. It doesn’t matter how they look -they’re not there to look like – anything..! They’re there for far more important stuff. Like holding a glass of wine. And hugging. And that’s what I have to remind myself the days that I do care. I can’t and shouldn’t control how my body looks, that shouldn’t and never should have been in my hands. It’s a huge relief.
I thought about running for charity of some sort. But then I thought this one’s for me. Today’s definitely mine.
Yeah fuck that guy.
LIKE A GLASS OF WINE LOL
preach.
good luck today!
yes this one if for you, and you will conquer it. ♥
<3
Viktoria I have great respect for you doing this run and for describing how it makes you feel. It’s more than just a run, it’s an accomplishment on many levels and definitely one to be very proud of, whatever the outcome!
<3
next milestone, running a marathon drinking wine. \o/
Being sick I almost felt like I did
I’m very proud of you!!! I don’t run yet..but i walk and that’s how I’m starting…maybe some day i can run too 🙂
So impressive… tell us how it went!
Viktoria, I am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing both your strengths and weaknesss with the world. Embracing everything that makes you feel weak, is what makes you strong. You are a beautiful woman and I could say that again and again. Love, selflove, the good things in life will always win. Let love conquer your mind, body and soul. I am glad that you are proud of yourself, proud of your upper arms and your muscles. And indeed, arms are made to hug and hold glasses of wine. Here is a hug <3 Jeg elsker deg!
Not really proud of my arms, haha, but my self as a whole.. fuck yeah! 🙂
And thank you <3 <3 Hugs back!
You should buy a new pair of running shoes and run over the guy who told you to buy new ones.
Så fint innlegg <3 Hvordan trente du/løp i forkant av et så langt løp?
🙂 jeg har bare løpt. Bengynte for 2,5 år siden ca.. Så løp jeg bare litt oftere lange turer før maratonet.
Running! I wish that it wasn’t miserably hot outside so that I, myself could go out on a run! It’s honestly one of the only things that isn’t asking me all the questions that I’ve been asking myself for the last week. It’s also not something that would force another person’s ideals on me. But the Sonoran Desert is screwing with what I want to do right now. This summer is going to be miserable, if it’s this hot in April, for goodness sake!
Anyways: Good luck, and I hope that you have fun!
How hot is it? If you climatize you can run, at least shorter runs, in any temperature. I’ve run in 35 degrees, not being used to heat at all. If you’re hydrated, surely a short run is possible? if you really want it that is..
I’m not sure how hot exactly, maybe around 90 degrees fahrenheit (32.2 celsius). But the sun is hell, so if I didn’t wear enough sunscreen I would burn really badly. I don’t know… I think I want to get into running, by maybe getting up and going for short runs in the morning every now and then, but then remember that I hate getting up that early. If it weren’t so damn sunny all the time I would go out running, maybe biking.
I don’t get it! Swim! Bicycle! Do something else??
Viktoria ! Take it steady…!
As one of my grandmother’s might have said, ‘if we were meant to run, God would have given us….’ Oh he did! Oh well….
In which case, very well done you!
Funny how we are all different in our lifestyles…for some it is running, for me it is gliding through leafy country lanes on a bicycle, gliding through the water in a boat, gliding through a forest on skis (if I had feathery wings, gliding through the air….hopefully that is a few years off, if I qualify).
As for the hair issue, not ideal for a ‘beauty’ featuring web blog but I once read that humans have more hair follicles per square centimetre than the ‘apes’! (Isn’t it amazing how much useless information one accumulates as one gets older)…(It’s fun and life affirming though).
victoria, that sounds really really good and that was what i meant with “selbstvergessenheit” …to become, you know ?!
and forgive me that term, but symptomatically as can be seen, there is no longer need for the obligatory mirror and thats great !!!
have a wild Dance into May ! 🙂