Got into a conversation yesterday about making choices in life based on what you really want. What your heart really desires. Many of us don’t, and, in my opinion, there is no reason whatsoever why we shouldn’t. We’re all taught to selflessly do stuff to please others. To help others in order to make them feel good, not to hurt their feelings. Go to and do certain stuff because we feel obligated to do so. Personally I would never want anybody who doesn’t want to to come to my party.. I don’t see why anyone would want that.
Obviously your child needs to go that one kid without friends’ birthday party, that’s parenting and part of learning your child compassion and evolving their sense of empathy. I’m thinking more about the lack of education past childhood, the education of deciding for yourself and basing your life choices on how you feel. The knowledge that you can do so. Many people aren’t necessarily living their lives according to how they really wish to. Myself included. I remember a very specific moment at my psychologist nine years ago, her laying out a theory about why I was so angry and my social anxiety was worsening. A theory of my inner balance being off.
My weighing scale inside of me of what my desires were and what my actions actually were was tilted and it lead to emotions I couldn’t make sense of which left me frustrated and hurt without really knowing why. Obviously there was a lot of contributing factors that lead me to my then emotional and physical state, but I remember so clearly when she pointed this out and how much sense it made.
I wasn’t feeling valued by myself in my decisions because I was so used to not asking myself what I really wanted and needed. I went straight to what I believed others wanted me to do. What they needed from me. Worrying about what they’d think of me had I chosen otherwise. I wanted to, didn’t really think I had an option other than to please them. You think you’re angry at other people because you’re feeling that they’re overstepping your boundaries, when you’re really reacting to yourself ignoring your own boundaries. You’re actually ignoring your inner self screaming to get your attention and listen to what it has to say. (I say it here. My inner self is obviously a man, I don’t know about yours)
We can only be balanced and at peace when we make choices after consulting with ourselves. There will always be the part of “What’s the right thing to do, socially, ethically, old school, considering others?” , “What would I selfishly like to do (not considering ANYone)?” and “What does my past experiences and gut tell me to do?”
Making choices based on your results after asking yourself these questions will make your scale balanced again. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I swear, I had so much hatred towards everyone! Feeling alone in my thoughts. Misunderstood. Inferior. What I wanted, my opinions didn’t matter. Which is bullshit. You’re not alone! If you are -we ALL are. You’re not misunderstood -you just haven’t figured out what you need and communicated that well enough. You’re not inferior -we’re all worth exactly the same! Your needs are important. All of these feelings came from me not living from my own point of view. Not taking myself seriously. None of these feelings would’ve existed if it weren’t for the assumption of that “I should ….” in order to be accepted. Be that loved, liked, respected, approved, validated, not judged, or simply getting ahead in life.
Firstly, like Bambi on ice, I was unsteadily making choices with a bit too much of a “what would I selfishly like to do (not considering ANYone)?”. Not really considering myself and my health included. Only acting according to our greedy selfish selves we most likely end up hurting not only others but ourselves along the way. But it was important for me to realize!
Secondly, I relapsed a little. Feeling like my inner compass wasn’t really doing me any good in the long run and went back to feeling that I was more likely to be liked and respected if I just did what I thought I was supposed to do.
But then.., ’cause at this point I’d learned something -unlocked a door that could not be locked again, I’d learned that I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to, a stage I think will last through the rest of my life, balance. I started investigating what was really going on when I made my choices. Not only “do I really want this?” but “why don’t I want this?”, “why do I feel like I should want this?” and finally “does me not wanting this weigh heavier than the damage it’ll do in not doing this?”
Because sometimes we make choices we don’t want to based on the assumption that we need to. And it’s not always the case. Sometimes it’s just taught, and wrongly so. Sometimes it’s just FAKE NEWS everyone!
…
For example; You have an event coming up. And I’m not talking about an intimate event of your best friend’s life’s work (you should attend to that you asshole), but like a big family gathering, big work party, voluntary work in your building -you get the point. You really don’t want to go, but it’s expected you do so. But your week at work was crazy, you got dumped, your anxiety’s through the roof, your dog died and no-one understands or sees your pain (even if they did, here is not the time nor place to grieve or fall asleep). You really don’t feel like going. You spend the week dreading it. But you go. You should go. And you hate your boss for making you do so. Or your family for forcing you to do this annual bullshit. And your neighbors. You’ll be damned if you ever meet them in the hallway after this and speak cheerfully about the weather. And you also, as a bonus, end up hating yourself a little bit for letting them make you feel this way.
It’s ridiculous. We do all this kind of bullshit, when the truth is: we don’t really have to a lot of the times. Your boss will get over you not attending the party. And if he fires you for not attending a Christmas party you must ask yourself if you really wanna work for this asshole anyway. Career isn’t everything you know and extreme wealth and world domination will most likely not go hand in hand with balance and inner peace. So there’s that..choice.
Your family really loves you – they’ll try to understand when you explain to them why you chose not to come. And if not.. so what? I mean, really? Do you have to best friends with auntie Bertha?
I can only speak for myself, but I am better after realizing this. I’m not only feeling better, but am a better woman for it. And a better friend. I love people more now that I know that no one controls me. Please recognize the respect someone has for you when they trust you enough to share their feelings in explaining you why they do what they do. I believe that you are smart enough to understand that me being, let’s say depressed, has nothing to do with you. And quite frankly, the fact that you’re pointing out that you’re hurt and disappointed I’m depressed and ‘chose’ not to come to your son’s baptism.. You’re acting like an ass and I feel sorry for him.
And 97/100 times people will (try to) understand. They’re allowed to feel disappointed, sad, let down, angry; that’s life. You can relate! You used to feel that way too about them, for not considering your feelings.
I don’t fear my own nor other people’s feelings. Feelings come and go, but you can’t go on for an entire lifetime not listening to yourself. People get over it, move on to find something else to be disappointed in. At the end of the day they (as we all do) care about our own feelings. No one will care for yours as respectfully and with more understanding as you yourself can. And maybe one day, when the sun’s just right and life’s beautiful and balanced.. considering auntie Bertha’s feelings will actually weigh heavier and make you happier than considering only your own. Because you allowed yourself the choice.
Such a good post and at an ironic time for me, something similar happened between my parents and i. Its my birthday this weekend and im having a party for all of family (grandparents etc) and a trip to the lake the next day for just my immediate family and i. what happened was my parents had a plan for how it was gonna go and when i told them how i had been planning it (for 3 weeks) they get very angry. On sat. Im inviting everyone, including brothers girlfriend, and love having her around, but havent felt like ive talked to my brother in ages. All i said was “id love for it to be just you me dad and brother on sunday” to mother, and her and my dad got angry saying i must expect girlfriend to come and if i say its just a family day, to expect my brother not to come. This all got really heated for various reasons, dad said somethings wrong with me, mother called me a bitch. I dont stop crying even after waking up next morning. Fun stuff. But reading this makes me feel more okay with the situation. Theres nothing wrong with me if i want my actual birthday day to go a certain way.
Thank you for writing it
Oh, I hear you Alyssa..! Proud of you for holding your ground, for whatever that’s worth. Do what makes you feel comfortable, absolutely. And just keep telling them how you feel. You’d prefer it to be just you guys. I’m sure they’ll get around. After all, you wanna hang out with them! You’re being a very good daughter <3
Awe thank you ❤️
Well Viktoria, very well said. I do not think I can argue with any of that (and risk a Queen Victoria’ly “We are not amused” (how I do envy your name giving you the birthright to the ultimate ‘put down’ in history….did you know that? You do now))!
As the ‘Good Book’ says:-
‘The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born? Where is your home?
Where are you going? What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while, and watch your answers change’
(Not the ‘Good Book’ you are thinking of’ you will have to ‘Google’ it).
<3
I am a queen. And you a king.
A bit strange that I wrote these (very) few lines a couple of weeks ago. I guess it is relevant.
See what you think.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z8ratihdjr3mx43/Hey%20you%20YES%20YOU..pdf?dl=0
<3
Terrific post! Also something I’ve become more aware of; just knowing when to say no, this is my time! It’s about balancing a selfishness that isn’t cruel, just necessary. When you get it right you have time for yourself, and the time for others. But more importantly you are happy to be present in both times.
I’ve taken a lot more time for myself lately, and when I have shared time with my friends or family it’s felt so much more valuable. I’m more invested in it, now I’ve set aside time and energy just for them. Knowing when not to do something, something you don’t want to do, saves you so much valuable energy you can put to better use. It’s a great thing to learn!
It makes me think of Aleister Crowley’s philosophy of Thelema, which is more or less based around this concept. He claims that people are in pain because they act against their ‘true will’. We all know in our hearts what we desire, and we are fulfilled when we receive those things. This is not a selfish or egotistical want, but more of what about finding your purpose, or your raison d’etre. The ‘law of Thelema’ is thus:
“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.”
It’s an interesting phrase, but the meaning is to find what is good for you, what you love, and act upon it. It is expanded upon in Book of the Law, to say not to do so at the expense of others. It’s not about cruelty or greed.
I’m still very much on a personal journey to uncover my true will, or some sense of purpose. I spent many years in a sort of limbo where I didn’t really achieve or do much of anything, I didn’t grow at all. Funny how a soulful Norwegian young woman can come into your life and change it all for you…
Love that!
Thank you <3
Sorry to comment, but due to the fact that we are no longer in late romanticism and dealing with words like, “Pity is the vice of kings: Kick down the miserable & the weak: this is the law of the strong: this is our law and the joy of the world “is, let us say, coupled with an understanding of the handling of high-performance language, its situa- tion, positioning of history and staging. because whether this is said by nietzsche, martha künzel or laibach makes a fundamental difference. that’s why I would recommend jaques lacan for the 21st year and his complex heritage, even if it’s harder;)
Kind of stole my friend’s computer to read your blog… I couldn’t finish reading the post bc she needs it back (or wants it back). But the things that you said in the part that I was able to read ring so true! I also had an experience where I was only doing things that other people wanted me to do, instead of listening to what I needed, which led me to be very angry all the time. (Of course, I’m still angry, just not at everyone at once.)
😀
absolute approval !
I would go even further and think bigger, because, I think, it is necessary:
Let’s project this learned and inherited and this time actually dialectically questionable “super-ego”, which in the context of his becoming has made sense (passive and active) and still makes sense, such as order, reliability, etc. produce on one globalized world in which we all play a completely different role. namely, to become commodities and be commodities, then the question arises as to how this global “super-ego” affects us, beyond a healthy psychogenesis as you have well described as a process of gaining self-confidence in the micro-social space. .. where is this global awareness, which we need exactly as the privately fought ???
When I scale up the micropsychosocial phenomena and crises of one’s own genesis as you describe them, the “justifying attitude” is nothing more than being a good consumer in this case, believing in the rationality of eternal growth who goes to the church of work, which is still written; “subdue the earth”, even though he already stands knee-deep in nihilism with his subconscious and somehow feels it
then maybe it will be time to think of the private rebellion against alienation in a new scale. This time, as we have seen in a thousand hollywood films, the dystopia is in front of us and not in the two-and-a-half version and the time is running out .. . nothing new? definitely!
i can only speak for my region, but for us (germany) 75% of the total insect mass disappeared in the last 20 years … that this will have cascading consequences is inherent …
I would suggest let’s think big and put our heads together …
and where the fuck is the global youth ???
I’m struggling to understand what you’re writing.. I don’t know if it’s a translation thing. But you’re talking about global awareness as something that is more and more lost due to this ‘egotistical’ way of thinking?
in a certain way, yes ! but it`s not a simple egoistical way of thinking like a decision to do this and do that, it’s a deep strukture which as an image of our own genesis of the self works, a necessary engine that can dock on this system fatally, so that one considers it natural.
1. The desire, can not not desire.
2. It does not find what it desires.
3. It can not accept that it does not find
(descartes) proto-freudian
to break it down roughly so that I do not get into devil’s kitchen with my English assignment:
like descartes said, this is our dowry, and this global ökonomic system implements this so naturally, that “we” individuals and states/micro and macro “feel” to be unable to act against our own nature… (At this point a discourse on lacan’s “objekt klein a” would have to take place)
and now we have to scale up the genesis you described, to a new level, because if “self” is part of our biggest problem in its upscaled strukture version, then there must be a new upscaled equivalent to the “self”, not to stuck in the same postion like you in your phase where you did not address your desires. the upscaled “self” may be seen as a perverted superego… maybe this is part of the symptoms these days, where the alt and new right think to restore the “good old times” but they don’t understand that you can not address desires when you do not understand the nature and scaling of the problem, apart from the fact, not to be an asshole 😉
hope you see the what i try to say… its far more complex for sure…but you know 😉
Very interesting. It’s funny how when we are trying too hard to please people we end up hating them, but when we stand firm in our identity and love ourselves properly we are able to love others properly as well. “Love your neighbour as yourself.” This is how you can contribute to the world from a place of peace and balance, as you say, rather than overextending yourself and burning out all the time. This might have been my most critical discovery on the journey to maturity, now that I think of it. Thanks for reminding me.
🙂 🙂
I really liked what you said here in this blog “And 97/100 times people will (try to) understand.”, however what would happen if you lived with the other 3% of those people who dont understand or dont try yet you try yourself. i \ have tried to implant some of the things you have spoken in this blog i guess be more aggressive be more mature be more thoughtful to myself however everything you said will feel like afterwards feels the opposite but still thanks for the well said words 😉
Just wanted to say that I can really relate this all of this. I thought I was the only one who had/has this problem.
Lovely blog btw.
😀
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I can so feel you. It still makes me wonder, how many years I spent with trying to satisfy (imaginary) expectations from other people and I can’t say I stopped doing that completely by now. To reach my own goals, I started a new educational path by learning a new profession. Actually, what caused my first bipolar episodes to break out, was trying to satisfy everyone else, but ignoring my own needs (back then I wasn’t even able to feel them; it took me a while to find access to feelings in general again). So to say, I could almost say that my disorder was the best thing that could happen to change my life, despite all of its negative aspects. 🙂
Oooh, what new profession?