Education of the mind

Today I just didn’t wanna get out of bed. Took me about 90 minutes. After sleeping till noon. I woke up at noon. Got up 90 minutes later than that.

I just had that feeling. That feeling of worthlessness. Just, pure worthlessness. More than worthlessness it was a question, maybe.. A question that owned the answer meaningless. Why would I get out of bed to face my worthlessness closer and more vividly than I already am lying down here. At least down here tears can easily be absorbed and I won’t have to look at myself. Down here it’s dark. I am cocooned. Laying down here makes for some sort of weightlessness. Like floating in a pool. Like a photo I have seen taken from above of a woman, floating around in a pool. I won’t have to feel my surroundings laying here, no clothes digging into my skin -not even the harshness of the air outside of my covers. Let alone daylight that will highlight my every inadequacy. Why would I get out of bed and face a question that I already know the answer to? That I can’t. Why try to create when I know that the defeat of not being able to will harm my delicate creative mind much more and for a longer extent of time than the pleasure of finally creating it will persist? A moment of pleasure until a morning like this comes again, when all that is conquered and created previous to that morning is, again, lost to my frail feeling of self-worth.

My husband made me coffee. I asked him to drink it here with me, in bed. -He did.

He went out to make some phonecalls, answer some emails I assume, then came back not long after. Slowly peeked inside my door. The door that is the extension of my pool which is my bed. He asks if I would like to climb out and come watch an episode of The Crown with him.

And right then and there I remembered vaguely that I am in control of my next move. I could descend into my pool of tears and weightlessness and stay there scared of what could be on the surface -in the daylight, over my threshold and extension of my pool that was my bed. Or I could really feel what it was that he was asking me to do. Drink a second cup of coffee while watching The Crown. -I felt that I could.

And when I could do that, the worthlessness slowly started to diminish. If I could make breakfast too, that’d be another thing. -I could.

Oatmeal, a second cup of coffee and 58 minutes, 43 seconds of The Crown. And I felt better.

Some days are bright days in disguise. Like my day today. You’ll know when it’s right to stay in bed. But on a day like this, I actually ended up having a very good day. Sketched for hours, loads of ideas. The best day I’ve had in a while, actually. And I think it’s got to do with two things in particular.

One. He knew. I had someone who knew what I needed to be given. A choice. A choice that wouldn’t have any effect on my self-image whatsoever. Because in a world where being worthy of love, admiration and praise is only granted if you achieve a certain amount of tasks, obstacles or chores; the choice of not doing so must conclude with you not being worthy of such affection. And that’s not nice. That’s very harsh, and a world I don’t want to be part of. So if you can greet the first choice of achievement with a ‘Yes’, you’ve already started your ascend. And given a huge favor.

Two. I knew. I knew that if I told myself enough times, I would come to believe it. I would. Because I know I have. In the past. I would, again, believe the truth that is that I don’t have to do anything, that Me getting through the day is Enough. I knew that to teach my mind to throw away these negative thoughts and fears that disassociates my mind from my body would be the greatest gift I could give myself. Listening to my body, reach the right conclusions, find the good truths.. Truths that say that we are all enough. So I spent a lot of time doing that. So that on a day like today I can turn my mind over to play for my team.

Give yourself a chance, on a morning like mine. Don’t set yourself up so that you’re able to fail on your first actual task of the day. Today he made that task a positive one for me. And maybe it saved me from drowning today. Because our bodies are not lazy. When listened to, encouraged and taken care of, it wants to. Work. Fix. Make better. Create. Same goes for our minds. Our minds are not just stupid nor just brilliant, it’s both. Most importantly it is not necessarily the reality. When guided and given memories and options based on good experiences our minds can do incredible things. It can rise to be better to you than anyone else will ever be. Teach it. You can’t outrun it. Nor should you blindly obey it. Teach it!