A while ago one of my close friends questioned my diagnosis as bipolar. Or maybe not question, but I find no other way to interpret this person’s words and eyes. The person attended to explain why I might be feeling the feelings that I did, experience what I experience, hell -the person also had alternative solutions!
I did not think too much about this odd conversation. This person is warm and, seemingly I’d say, understanding of others struggles. Plus this person was fairly drunk (and who am I to judge a person rambling after a drink too many?) and probably didn’t mean what it (we’ll call it it) was saying.
But then it happened again. Different it. This time I had a problem with. Maybe my biggest problem with it was my own reaction. I wanted to be cool about it, this person obviously doesn’t know what it is talking about and obviously needs to move to an island and live alone forever since it’s apparently unable to relate and have empathy towards other hoomans.
It was embarrassing how strongly the need manifested itself in my whole defense-system. So I tried to cut my head off of my body in an attempt to distance myself, protect my body from these thoughts I had flooding in.
Because my body knows. My body remembers every time. And my body didn’t deserve this doubt. My body remembers the feeling before it properly hits me. The weight of the rocks that grows inside of me and I realize I’m entering a state of feeling depressed (I’m really really really careful calling it suffering from depression and always say I’ve only had two proper depressions in my life. Don’t abuse this word). My body sees itself from the outside as my sense of awareness and logic thinking drifts away and leave me self-centered and broken with grief. It’s heartbreaking as I realize it’s happening again. I prepare my body to experience sheer hate and the the feeling of wishing to die for the next period of time. I remind it it’s not real and that it must not listen.
Don’t you dare take this in, body. Not for one second.
My body feels less social anxiety. Not that it’s allowed to leave the house as much. But it has no time for others thoughts.
And then one day it let’s go. I suddenly feel normal. With normal tantrums and problems, my familiar anxiety, my beloved ed never left obviously, my normal self-doubt, my normal work-ethics, I actually care!!, self-awareness of what others think of me, normal ups and downs, days of socializing and days when I don’t want to see anybody, some distance from what I’ve been feeling the last few weeks, some repair-work for that, really good days, self-acceptance and looking into my husband’s eyes looking for understanding for what’s been going on the last weeks. Which he always does.
And then there’s the superstar days. Where I just can’t keep up with myself. I want to do it ALL! I have no issues. I’m beautiful and have the power to achieve ANYTHING I set my mind to! I can’t stand still, my heart’s beating faster than normal, my sentences can’t form properly because my mind has already wandered to the next thought. My body is shaking of excitement, it simply cannot WAIT for what’s to come and needs to express EVERYTHING it’s experiencing. I take risks, I’m not sensitive to others emotions, I’m rude, I’m more sexual, I drink EXCESSIVLY to celebrate this AMAZING FEELING, I want to LOVE and live for these days, but the next day or two I sober up and the hangover is unlike any hangover alcohol can cause. It’s just not worth it.
There’s a big chance you don’t know how this feels.
(Unless obviously you’ve been or not yet been diagnosed the same, then I’m so sorry for you).
And I know we’ve shared, friend, days where you just didn’t know what the fuck went on last night. Did I just black out? Did I do drugs? Why was I dancing in the streets in my bra? Why was I so mean and pushed all your vulnerable spots to make you cry?
“She was probably just drunk, she has been a bit down lately. Stressed out? She has some demons, though..”
It’s a fine line and sadly very difficult to tell the difference in my generation and younger (because we’re all allowed to an ok with being open about our mental issues) between rebelling and the occasional blackout, and serious mental health problems.
Don’t be that person to undermine the one with serious mental issues.
Be like my other friend. Who sends me a text from the other side of the country telling me that I’ve read about it, can’t necessarily relate to it, and I think you are strong as fuck! You’ve been through wars. And the rest of us cannot even tell.
I had a photoshoot in ma bed and ma bathroom to illustrate and make visual my emotions around this topic.
You like? This is me on a normal day.
Absolutely nothing to do with bragging about the fact that I wore this turtleneck to a job-related meeting!!!
So proud. So sweaty. TURTLENECK!!! Number one garment to instigate blushing from attention leading to total panic and don’t giving a fuck about what’s happening -I NEEDS TO GET OUT! But I nailed it. Blushed once but regained control.
Normal.
My dad has bipolar, so thank you for sharing this – it helps me understand him a little better (though I know it’s a different ball game for everyone). And I really relate to the body being separate from the head thing! <3
<3 <3 <3
Hey viktoria.
❤
Hey viktoria, I think it’s great how open and self-analytical you deal with you, and the nuances, the differences that you show between what you call “normal” in an enlightened modern “multidimensional” society, and where from there Truly exceeds a limit which you can clearly identify by malaise of certain quality. In a life with so many different energy plateaus, which in turn carry out their own plateau with their own nivea dynamics within them, I can imagine how hard it is to identify a zero level and to attribute to it a normal normality. What would interest me, have you already been able to find your own techniques, where you noticed that they have effects on the energy intensity? … a known one of me is also bipolar; But I am not sure if a disease / disorder should be assigned to a state of being, or perhaps rather not … She decided in any case not to drink any alcohol, because of the energy levels … dear mark
I think definitely there are things you can do to improve your intensity. But for me, having been trying so hard for so many years, medicine was a great help. But I should definitely drink less, as we all know -exercise is good, stress and all the stuff we all experience is definitely not making it better. But when depressed-one is depressed. So no, I don’t have any answer here I’m afraid. Other than accept. Accept whatever state I’m in and don’t put pressure on myself when I don’t need it. Thanks for writing and getting involved Mark <3
with pleasure ! 🙂 I give you completely right, since I myself had the experience of a bang-trauma with subsequent tinnitus, I know how important it is, not to fight against specific things but to integrate them. As in slavoj zižek’s title: “love your symptom as yourself!”
If your nerve costume allows it and you do not already know it, it is worthwhile to deal with it, even if or perhaps just because he applies psychoanalysis and philosophy to society.
I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s an awful thing to have! I have all the respect for people with tinnitus, I can only imagine how poorly I would handle it. I do love that saying, though 🙂 In time if you can make all of your “stuff”, pains and challenges part of you, you’ll only be more than you started with and stronger a person.
At the beginning it was really loud and you have to get used to it, just fall asleep is a meditation number, but after a few years, this is probably the ability of the “constructor” brain, it has adapted so that I almost do not perceive it anymore. It is probably as to describe as an old pipe TV, which is so a specific subliminal high surrense of itself if he is put on mute, therefore I would say … done very well out of this 😉
Wow. well done you! 😀
You’re not alone.
My brother has Bipolar 1 and i deal with cyclothymic disorder (a type of bipolar). He takes medicine for it, since his is severe, but thankfully mine is manageable enough to where I can often go to therapy sessions, meditate or get away from people and it makes me feel a bit more balanced.
Recently I stopped drinking, because I realized that even though i dont have an addiction to alcohol, when I do go out with friends — i dont stop at one beer. Or five beers. Or 9 beers. I drink and make bad decisions until I wake up and don’t know how I got home. Then i spend the next 3 days hating myself for it.
I can’t pretend to understand what your going through, but I promise that you’re not alone.
I spent many years feeling alone, then i began to make friends with others who have unique (weird) brains like mine and see the world differently from everyone else. Some of my friends see the color of energy around you. Some can see spirits. Some see music. Some see things before they happen. Some seem to know everything about you just by looking at you. Me, i constantly have to create, or it feels like I’ll die.
It’s painful to feel like i have no control over my brain sometimes. But then I remember that a wise man once said “it is no measure of health to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.”
Perhaps it is not us who have our wires mixed up, but everyone else who lacks the capacity to understand the consciousness that we live in.
Or maybe it IS our brains that are weird. But either way, you aren’t alone.
If you have 4 minutes, look up a video of a guy named Neil Hilborn “The Future”. He’s fought through bipolar disorder too…And hearing him talk about it is beautiful.
I love this! And have absolutely thought the same. I recently told my husband I’m not made for this world, or equipped/cut out for. And as we all know the world is corrupted and dying, so maybe it’s not a bad thing. I’ve always put being kind above everything else, since sensitivity needs to be met with kindness. So I wouldn’t be happier without it, I’m absolutely sure of it. <3
And oh yes! bipolar 1 - huge difference!
Hi Viktoria,
I don’t experience this kind of things, but others like anxiety attacks and shit like that, but my thing is to think that you’re not alone, that a lot of people are living stuff like that (it always make me feel less alone, and less stupid and crazy ahaha). Sometimes it just doesn’t work, but if it could work one minute for you that will be amazing !!
And just remember that for us, all your readers and fans, you are amazing, sooooo beautiful (I always say to my fiancé “look she’s so stunning ahaha”), and smart and cool !! We smile and laugh and think with you when you write. So you are not alone.
Have a wonderful day and rock this fucking mental stuff !!
<3 <3 you and your fiancé <3 <3
Hi Viktoria,
I don’t experience this kind of things, but others like anxiety attacks and shit like that, but my thing is to think that you’re not alone, that a lot of people are living stuff like that (it always make me feel less alone, and less stupid and crazy ahaha). Sometimes it just doesn’t work, but if it could work one minute for you that will be amazing !!
And just remember that for us, all your readers and fans, you are amazing, sooooo beautiful (I always say to my fiancé “look she’s so stunning ahaha”), and smart and cool !! We smile and laugh and think with you when you write. So you are not alone.
Have a wonderful day and rock this fucking mental stuff !!
I feel you viktoria I feel that the people with bipolar depression and sadness are those who know the most that’s y they might feel like that all the time stay up
I wouldn’t want to be without any of my experiences.It has taught me to respect others stuff. I just want the same back. But..people are stupid. haha.