Sitting here eating a big slice of half-frozen cake from constitution day. I like frozen cake. Especially when it’s not fresh out of the oven. Obviously that’s the best.
Experienced some external triggers, or whatever you’d call it, lately. I don’t mean usual every-day challenges, like how people for instance, always trigger my social anxiety. Or food my eating disorder, that’s a given. But one of those core triggers. Not as much an action or physical happening, more of a feeling. Or a memory of a feeling. We all have that something in our past that might have pushed us into all of this to begin with. Into a certain direction. Something resulting in something negative, an insecurity becoming a big part of your life thus far, attempting to make up for it. Hide it. Maybe you’re still maintaining your wound, not ready to close it up. Maybe you don’t know how to, don’t know if you deserve to. Maybe it’s too sore to close. We’re all in a process and will be throughout our lives dealing with the big core issue(s) we were dealt early on. None of us without them.
I haven’t felt like this in quite some time. My previous psychologist wanted to tap into it a couple of times, but it’s always easier to talk about the consequences. The everyday struggles. It all seems so simplified when going back to the roots. I’ve made it all so much more complicated along the way..
I know it didn’t all start for me with this trigger, I believe a lot of it was latent in me (to me?), and that I showed GREAT potential, alone, from the very start!
…
But it might have been that last straw.. I know many of my issues started earlier. But I know this particular trigger didn’t help. And ended up, at the very least, being the Star of the maintenance team. I know it made it impossible to stop.
So it’s very interesting to tap into these emotions again. To remember a time when it could’ve turned out different. If someone would’ve noticed. If I’d removed myself from my environment and habits earlier. I can feel my destructive ways, who’s been such lovely friends (..) in need before, calling. I won’t go there though, the need to be above that shit is so strong at this point. The need to be strong. Done fading away. A casualty. Physically weak and defeated.
I feel sad, though. I feel different. And overall tired and vulnerable. Very sad. Not angry. There is also a sense of calm in there, too. I’m reminded of my younger self and when everything was at it’s most difficult. Feels like some sort of past threshold. I feel a genuine curiosity and am forced to ask myself how did that become this? How has it come this far and this dominating in my life?
I actually don’t wanna run from this. Not gonna confront it too much either. Let’s see if I can deal with it this time. If not it’s two options. Me getting worse, or me removing myself from my trigger. I know which one. And I really do feel the need to and relevance in concentrating on taking care of myself. Even though my heart is telling me to punish.
Never ending story, this. Broken record. One Krone for every time I’ve written the phrases “I’m tired”, or “I need to take care of myself”.. I would at least be able to afford that dress that I want.. So sorry to repeat that again. But I really am tired. And it feels very good to write it to you.
First time reading your blog and I love it! Many times ( i wish I could say some ) I feel so powerless and too tired to fight my issues but I Just keep going “living “. Anyway. …thanks for this space
<3 <3 <3
I applaud you for being straight up with us I wanna say I get you but then again I won’t 👏🏻💪🏻
Thank you Yovani <3
Viktoria, from what I read about your inner most thoughts, I get the impression that you are more than aware of you inner self. That’s got to be a good thing, when one suppresses them, then that is when the real problems start. It seems to me if you can express those concerns and desires then that’s great, better than bottling them up. Then again I’m no expert in the human psyche and as I am of the male of the species I am well aware that men are the worst at not expressing their innermost feelings and seeking help if help is required.
❤
<3
I just wish I could give you a hug Viktoria. I hope you can feel the warmth I sent you trough the air and the trees. Much love <3
Love back! I felt it!!
viktoria, beside the point that “speaking is healing” in so many ways,
do you actually have a prof. supervision option for yourself, in case of need to get further and deeper
or for getting more distant in that phase ? cause you said that you broke up with your psychologist ?
and i think its an absolutely understandable thing to go one’s own way, but it also good to know that you can “smash a window in case of”.. cause i think there are phases not only in your life where you should not trust your own narration… you know !?
I notice you say external triggers, not internal ones. If your problems are in the world maybe that’s where your changes need to be made. Have you ever heard this:
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
I wonder if you’re simply struggling to get by in an environment that’s just not suited to you? I’ve never really fit in, I’ve been bullied, misunderstood by my elders and my peers and am generally a bit of a misfit. After a long time I realised there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just my nature doesn’t suit my circumstances. I wonder how many triggers are just warning signs telling you to go find something you’re missing, somewhere you belong better?
Some of what you’ve written before resonates with me as I’ve felt similarly. The weird pressures of society, look a certain way, act a certain way. The rat race, the importance of money, money, money. All these weird constructs that don’t make sense but you’re expected to be a part of these practices.
I often wonder if depression and anxiety are less of a cause of pain than a symptom of something being wrong and if you’re one of those lateral thinkers or free spirits, the modern world is a difficult place to find comfort in.
Maybe take a look around and imagine where you’d feel safer, or more comfortable, or happier. Ask yourself what would you rather be doing, where, with who (although it seems to me you keep wonderful company in your friends/family)? Maybe that’s all something you can get.
Just a thought. It’s all I can do for you to maybe provide a different perspective, I wish I had the answers. Keep writing, I can’t say why but I feel it’s working for you, you are growing. x
Absolutely agree, and well aware 🙂 We are planning our next move in life, and it won’t be onshore.. I was NOT made for the Scandinavian way of life, I know that..!
Ooh change, exciting, scary!
I think I might be the Nordic type, I’d give it a go. You do seem to suit somewhere more sunkissed I’d say. 🙂
I know this is targeted to Viktoria but I found great 👍 insight and comfort with your words. Made me think even more ✋🏻
It has universal appeal!
Happy to have helped in some way. 🙂
Dear Viktoria I think it’s good you are having these conversations with yourself and also sharing them with us. And WOW the responses to this post by your lovely contributors are amazing! There is much love and respect, careful consideration and caring for you! And I think if I may say, we are all in our own ways, growing a little bit with you…I think too, that your questions and feelings are worthy of big hugs 🦋 If I was there with you right now I would find a sunny spot and invite you to have a drink or two (soothing tea, coffee or alcohol – your choice!) XO
<3