Last week I tried a new psychologist.
Lol I don’t think so.
This round I want to focus on my social anxiety and panic attacks. And whenever I embark on another journey filled with hope towards an anxiety-free life I get super-sensitive. My anxiety increases and I’m even more self-conscious than I usually am. Spending most of my life in survival mode, painting layers upon layers over bad experiences and fears knowingly that my free space is decreasing – stripping it down and looking at it’s rough raw surface with bad experiences and weaknesses is way morse. So I have very ambivalent feelings towards the whole thing. Seeking help. The cost of going there can be so big. So I really need this to be worth my while.
I walz in there, hesitant -but confident, with my usual guards up and start presenting myself. Few questions in considering my presence and how I got here and I start balling
…
Why though??? Whenever I’m really faced with questions about how much pain my anxiety is causing me from, say, one to ten and to which extent it affects my everyday life it’s impossible to think of a worthy answer. And my reaction is always the same. Nothing but despair. And the feeling that no one will ever understand how it feels to be so aware of your own challenges yet so incapable of doing anything about it is sometimes unbearable. And very painful when met with anything but utter respect and compassion.
I get so pissed when someone sees that. Especially authority. Then I definitely can’t stop crying. Even when I’d stopped crying, I wasn’t done crying. Probably doing all sorts of facial expressions trying to divert him from the fact that I was, in fact, still crying. It was right there under that trembling lip the whole time till the moment I stepped out of his office. Nay! Till I got home actually! Mustn’t forget the teary way home.
I’m not looking for much in a psychologist really. Listen to my challenges. Then fix them.
Seriously though, respect my pain and occasionally shut up and let me cry it out before I pull myself together for fucks sakes. Try to understand why I am the way I am and why I cope the way I cope. I didn’t get any of this from him. He definitely didn’t get why I was so emotional. He actually laughed at some of the things I said, asking me which study I had this none sense from? And if he could use it in one of his talks? I mean what the fuck, am I being pranked? I don’t like feeling ridiculed. Goddamnit that crying.
Why do half the people who become psychologists even become psychologists? Bet there’s loads of fucked up reasons. But the good ones save lives and I’m searching for my rescue. Ever hopeful, ever open. I’ll just save myself a bit longer for now. Can’t have anyone else with a degree confirm why I don’t trust them in a while, and he actually managed to close the curtains for now. Power to ya!
Here’s an outtake from this photoshoot I had two minutes ago in my hall mirror. It has a concave line in the middle which is equivalent to perfection as far as self image goes.
Had to go all the way up here to look pretty again. Don’t ever forget how pretty I actually am.
Wouldn’t go out all high and mighty though. So I leave you at this handsome fella, bye
Hoping you can find this fucked up one that will help you to rescue yourself..btw you are really beautiful and i LOVED your bambi shirt…lots of love :-*
Bambi <3
I hope so too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhWVJnKjtsQ&feature=share
remember that “good morning norge” television thing you talked about ? that meta-thing that was a beginning of a Cognitive behavioral therapy that you can start anytime, but
you need to do…confrontation confrontation confrontation baby !!!
i don’t know how often i went back from my train station in the upcoming panic of getting unconscious in the subway ! but then i’m so sick of it, that i said to myself okay; put me down…yeah put me down!!! …and then you have it, cause you do not longer care about it !
and now gimme a decent smack for the “no more advises thing” 😉
Confrontation alone doesn’t fix anything, though.. :/
yeah “alone” is the keyword… just remember your televison moment… this is the moment where you and your body have had an experience, that is, the expectability of the usual is missing .. and from this jaunt moment the fundamental change begins that things can be different than they are and the body learns how to one knows today into the genes (epigenetics). and it beginns all with your state of mind ! so i think you don’t have to be that lone wolf in the struggle against the “anxiety you”. like i said before it is a technique to learn like to ski. you have to delearn the bad habits that stress you and you need a teacher for your craft… 🙂
https://www.kognitiv.no
do you know that ? maybe it has a few useful tips?!
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Out-Right-Therapist-Better-ebook/dp/B019PWDSMU
In my eyes the perfect psychiatrist is yourself. Of course it is the hardest to obtain but you can connect with yourself without anxiety’s army kicking in. For me, it is listening to music, it makes me join with it and think of things other than how miserable my life is.
Good for you!
people around me told me that one can help oneself without going and paying some guy asking questions, aka psychologist/psychotherapist.
But to my experience, how can I help myself when I know something wrong is happenning to me (in my head) without any particular reason, but its there causing panic attacks and/or anxiety. It is hard to draw from inner self when the only one feels is fear – a fear of not knowing why and what is going on with you. So a professional with right knowledge and skills is the only way for most people. And it’s ok to ackowledge that I (for example) cannot help myself and I need help, whatever this might cost me financially or no matter how ridiculous (to my opinion) I may look with my problems in front of this mind doctor.
I got myself help with psychotherapist, and I am lucky to have the one that actually helps me.
So the main message is it is ALRIGHT TO SEEK HELP. Not everyone have the ability to help themselves and it is very fine when it especially comes to mental help.
Of course, you need the tools to get better! I’m happy for you. And trust me, they’ve seen so much weird shit you won’t look ridiculous in front of them.
Ha! I know exactly what it feels like to not be understood by a therapist/psychologist… My old one made assumptions about things and those assumptions mostly felt like she was trying to understand someone who wasn’t me, who she hadn’t been counseling for THREE YEARS.
Even though my psychiatrist was bad, I’m 99% sure that you’ll be able to find someone — or something (music, a book, an author, etc.) — that’ll help you.
Useless wasting time with one that doesn’t fit you..! And for three years??? 🙁
Are you better now though / seeing a new one / gave up the whole damn thing?
I don’t know if this will even help….. should I even be writing this? But, you have the guts to do this blog…..here we go….I totally get your anxiety dealing with psychologists. When I was 13 I was diagnosed as “extremely shy, daydreams and loses track of entire blocks of time, fearful of new situations, new people or places, feelings easily hurt, anxiety….” (quoting one of my own recorded sessions)…. but to “fix” my personality issues they put me on Cylert and for 2 years I walked through my life like a zombie. I was completely disconnected from who I was. Depression soon followed. To fix that, they upped my dose to 2 pills a day until my family moved elsewhere. Thankfully that stopped my prescription too. I’ve never looked back. Later, when I got my medical records as an adult, I found out that my screenings had determined that I am an infj personality type with special “exceptions”. Apparently, to my psychologist, this was not how normal people are. Being acutely introverted was a “problem”. Wow, that was a bat to the head! A good psychologist is supposed to listen more and not try to just “fix” you, right?. In my opinion. My situation was the old school way of dealing with “not normal” people. It sounds like your experiences are a lot different than mine. Hopefully better? Yeah, it’s hard to be in crowded places unless it has that vibe that feels right. You can sense the place, wherever that is. You end up just sucking in the entire place all in one big heap. It can be at times…overwhelming. I like being alone most times because it affords me time to critically think without being sucked into the void of human perplexities. So, I feel your pain. Your not broken…Your unique. The good thing is it really does get easier as time progresses. Just gotta find that balance. The quiet place in the forest. Yeah.
That’s horrible. I feel for adolescent you <3
My experiences is different yes.. Lack of protocol is a big problem I think. But I don't think time heals all wounds, there is a way to treat social anxiety. I just haven't one who practices it well enough.
And you were doing well after you stopped your meds? Being introverted is just as normal as being extroverted, so that's weird :/
Thank you so much for responding to my post. Your posts made it possible for me to finally address my personal experience with a system that didn’t work. You’re so lucky to be in this modern health care system. I’ll try to explain this as shortly as possible.
Firstly, this was in 1982. I was in a military family and we moved a lot. The military health system was not really up to par in the psychology department back then. For some bizarre reason acute introversion was seen as a gateway to ADD. Since my sessions and eeg tests didn’t qualify for an ADD designation; they opted for the Cylert approach to handle my case. My bouts of depression didn’t help either. We know today that introversion is totally normal like being extroverted, but back then things were seen differently. Especially in the military medical system.
My Cylert stopped because my medical records couldn’t keep up with where I moved to next. By the time it did finally get to the last base I was at, I was already 17 and ready to graduate from school. Bureaucracy stopped my medication. And I didn’t want it to start again. My last session with another new psychologist in the end concluded that the Cylert was not even necessary. She was a civilian doctor and noted that she didn’t know why they even put me on Cylert as a first course medication, let alone upping my dosage. Going off of Cylert suddenly was what could only be described as a wonderful vacation to hell.
But, I agree with you that time cannot heal all wounds. But at least it lessens the pain? I’m not angry about what happened to me. I don’t blame my parents and I don’t blame a broken system. If anything it made me a stronger person. It sounds like each time you overcome, your just that little bit stronger too.
I believe that our bad experiences and challenges make us stronger, not weaker.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your bad encounters with your system. That must have been a very difficult time for you.
I agree, time does do something 🙂 And now, obviously I presume off meds, you’re happy? Have balance in your life?
In short, Yes, thank you for asking. After battling with the side effects of coming off the Cylert; I became terrified of drugs. But, I was very lucky to have a really close friend who was there for me. I slowly started to overcome the stranglehold that bouts of depression had on me. I found out that I do have an inherited chemical imbalance. Yay genes! I also learned how to notice when depression is coming on. It’s hard to explain, but you can actually feel it coming on. Like an intense downward pressure. I don’t know, maybe it’s different for other people. A change in diet has helped tremendously. I also found out that Caffeine is absolutely horrible for people like me. My social anxiety goes through the roof on even a small amount and then gateways into depression. No Starbucks for me, thank you! My friend finally convinced me to take classes in speaking to confront my social anxiety. My first class was a disaster, but the second time actually got easier. But, more importantly to me; I learned to embrace myself for who I am and not what others expected me to be or try to “fix” me. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. Everyone’s path in life is different. Like you and others are saying…. Therapists and therapy can be a real hit and miss thing. It all depends on the person involved. For me it went horribly wrong. For others it has been an absolute lifesaver. Regardless, I am a much happier person. I’ve found a good balance that works for me.
But, your blog is very inspirational because it’s so openly honest. Unfiltered. Sometimes puts a smile on my face and sometimes makes me sad for you. But isn’t that what life is all about? Life would be pretty boring if everyone was perfect, huh? I think your blog is having a positive effect as I see more and more people post to this blog to share their thoughts with you and everyone. And that, to me, is a wonderful thing. Maybe even the best therapy of all? Thank you again so much for sharing a part of your life.
I’m glad you’re finding your place in yourself 😀 It’s a good place to be headed towards, isn’t it!
And thank you for saying that. I love the idea that we can cry and laugh together even though we are miles and miles apart and will probably never see each other. Here we are all the same <3 And being open here will help you in your physical life, I'm a hundred percent positive on that!
The good ones definitely save lives however sometimes there are beautiful people we meet that we align with that give us a different perspective on ourselves way more than a professional could. Don’t give up looking all the same, hang in there and keep connecting with us beautiful Victoria. 🦋
I never give up, I’m always saying that 🙂
Tbh I really don’t see the reason why people go to a psychologist(scarsm-I do) maybe it’s because I have the previlage to see and experience horrible things daily that gives me fuel not to complain about anything which I recommend people to do often walk or even see some television yet it’s so frustrating and weird to me how one person like Aurora can check me ✅🤔🤛🤫 instantly in all aspects, I hope you find your Aurora is what I’m saying and to be 💪🏻.
Well, mental illnesses often can’t be ignored. And everyone should respect that. Not everything can be fixed by a walk or music.
I should stop commenting, I know, right after this
I agree with what your saying actions can’t fix mental illness but what happens if you can’t find help or other dont want to help and you can’t really help yourself should everyone stil respect your actions after all is done? You might have some insight to this.
What do you mean, what actions? If you’re sick you’re sick. It’s like asking if people should respect your limp when you broke your foot. It’s not about demanding it, of course people should respect you for whatever challenge you face.
He laughed at and belittled you!? Disgraceful, you put yourself in a vulnerable position they should be nothing but understanding.
God I hope you can find a better one.
I’d listen to you all day but I’m not sure I could fix you, maybe you don’t need fixing, you just need to find your style. What the hell is normal anyway? x
P.S. I went to a councillor a year or so ago when I was feeling about as low as I’d ever felt, and I might as well have been talking to myself for all the feedback I got. I found solace with my friends, family, and just writing stuff out like you do here.
I know, right? SO over talking-therapy. All though! I think for a lot of people (without any mental illnesses or conditions) without a lot of time or resources to reflect on their lives and themselves; why they are the way they are, relationships etc., can really benefit from that kind of therapy.
I do so much of it, blogging and talking to loved ones, I’m doing fine tbh! It would just be nice to have some coping skills for some things that are still hard.
Hmm yeah, can’t suggest anything. I usually just take a big breath, close my eyes, and hold it. Just become an island for a brief moment.
Was blessed to see your sister in London the other day, I never fail to cry at her music! Stunning.
How nice! <3
First off I have to say thanks for your blog. I have been listening to nice music (mostly Silja) and reading all the way back to November. You have a peaceful style that I find soothing, even when you are talking about your struggles. Having struggled with anxiety and bipolar myself for years, it is also good to read someone else’s experiences and to realize that I am not alone. Its strange to hear someone describe experiences and feelings that I have had for so long but almost never share with anyone.
I empathize with your struggle to find a good psychologist. The psychiatrists I have met are good for nothing except prescribing drugs, and since drugs haven’t helped me much they have been basically useless. I actually stormed out of an appointment with one psychiatrist, a family friend, because he was being so offensively stupid. And I NEVER do that. Psychologists tend to be a bit better because they actually try to work with you instead of treating you like a drug guinea pig.
But I have found books the most useful, actually. I’ve read and marked and underlined “Hope and Help for Your Nerves” by Dr. Claire Weekes many times. Its a classic. Just reading it calms me down. Not revolutionary, but helpful. The first part of “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David D. Burns, a cognitive behavioural therapy book, was more helpful than the drugs I took. The most helpful was “The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross, which was an instruction book on how to use amino-acids to cure mood problems. It cured me of severe/moderate depression, one of the most important victories in my life! People with bipolar have to be really careful with amino acids though — they made me quite manic for a few weeks.
Thanks, and keep on bloggin.
Thank you! And thank you for commenting!
I love being recommended alternative treatments. Especially if there’s something I can do on my own, so many people without real understanding and eq. Supposedly there to help you. Lmao.
It is so nice to hear you can relate! And I’m the same. Almost never get angry at people, part of the whole anxiety obviously, but I too has been driven once to get really upset and angry at a psychologist. And that’s pretty fucked up. Unless you’re an adolescent held there against your will with raging hate towards everything and everyone, it takes a lot to push someone that far?
Anyways. Amino acids, huh? I’ll look into it.
Have a good weekend Joseph!
You know, almost every day I find myself praying “God I can’t keep doing this, not another day.” But seeing how patient you are with yourself (overall), and how persevering, I thought, “If she can do it, so can I”. I love to encounter people who carry heavy burdens and fight a war every day but do it with true dignity, courage, and honesty. There is nothing more beautiful. As the Lorde song says, “Glory and gore go hand in hand… You can try and take us / But victory’s contagious”. We are warriors, and I believe we will all receive our “Victoria Cross” (my country’s highest award!) when the war is finally over. It’s no coincidence you were named after the Roman goddess of victory.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 This warms me so much, I'm crying Joseph!
First, I feel really sorry for that experience. It’s the worst when people – professionals – who are supposed to help you, let you down. Since I don’t know this guy, I can only assume that there was a huge misinterpretation of your condition and situation from his point of view. Which is an explanation, no excuse, don’t get me wrong. (Either that, or he is one of the black sheep that, sadly, exist.)
Since I also have no idea on how norwegian psychologists, psychotherapists and/or counselors are educated and trained, I might not be accurate in the following concerning your country; please bear with me.
As someone who works in the field of healthcare and medicine I have (unfortunately) experienced a lot of so called professionals who, over the years, developed the attitude that first and foremost the patient has to expose theirself, has to want their recovery and they are of course there to help, but if the patient does not react according to “manual of how I want them to”, things get weird. Sometimes it’s very hard to let someone just be and wait, so maybe a joke to ease the mood? Again, explanation, definitely no excuse.
Please keep in mind, that his reaction has nothing to do with you as an individual. I know very well how hard it is to summon up the courage to do something that feels probably very awful (like exposing oneself to a complete stranger aka professional). But however odd he acted, he does not know you, you are patient X and even though it feels different for you: please do not take it personally. (easier said than done)
I wish you the best of luck, may you be successful in finding someone able to help you. Just don’t give up. It can be quite the journey to find someone adequate and maybe it helps to extend the search area (e.g. a different field of therapy like psychoanalysis or resource-oriented or systemic or … ).
Totally agree. Love what you said about the difference in patients wanting recovery and knowing how they’re gonna use their therapy sessions or how it’s gonna play out, versus patients who build up a lot of courage just booking the session and going. That’s exactly how I felt with this guy. Not anyone’s fault, definitely not what I’m saying. Just a bad match for where I am atm 🙂
Thanks for commenting, found it very insightful!
Damn 29 comments, lets see if it beats the record 40…
half is mine, hahaha, I’m my biggest fan <3
And the other half is your Viktorius Warriors.
What we should do is play the PSYCHOlogists so that they get a taste of their own medicine, revenge is best served as revenge,,, wait what?