Wow, it’s been long. Not really sure what I’ve been up to. I’ve been working quite a lot. Socializing much more than usual. I’ve had two weddings, trip to Oslo with my mum, spent a lot of time with the first and the little one, too little time with the other one (which he says is a good thing; missing each other is good), and then relaxing for the rest of the time. Which we all know I need a lot of.
I think some of the reasons I haven’t been checking in on myself’s got to do with the fact that I’m not running. Haven’t been able to since the marathon. And it makes it a little bit harder to sit down alone and think about how I’m feeling. Which is ok,I guess. People don’t usually sit down with themselves all that often. I’ve just gotten so used to it I’ve started to depend on it to maintain some sort of tolerable level of sanity and happiness. Which may be just an illusion. Come to think of it.
Went for a run last Friday and felt the happiest that I’ve felt in a long time. Of course I woke up the following day with a slight limp and a slow moving inner thigh. So that was a little bit devastating. But I kind of feel it was worth it. Tears of joy are something I’ve been craving for a long time. I’m convinced it’s what reminds me when I’m feeling really low, that I can also reach that same intensity of happiness. That level of tear in and weight on your chest that leads to having to open up your entire system by tilting your head back to even be able to get enough air into your lungs. The opposite physical reaction to what makes you kind of shake when you’re sobbing and makes your system collapse and go inwards. Yes, this is the physical reaction that makes you laugh because it needs so much oxygen to feed this chest-expanding feeling when you’re crying of joy. Have I gotten addicted to extreme emotions? Have I felt such highs and such lows that I feel depressed by the lack of it..? For the same reason a person do extreme sports, is it possible to become addicted to extreme emotions?
I think I am. An extreme-emotion-related adrenaline junkie.
Anyways. Maybe it’s ok that I’m feeling a little bit distanced and not in touch with everything that goes on in my mind. But I can’t shake the fear that it might explode some day. I’m over-thinking this.
Like I do all things in life.
Anyways. I least I got a new dress because the sun was out and the other one spent a ton of money on free diving equipment, and balance is everything.
A dress I’m clearly very happy about -it was very expensive.
A dress I used for these guys’ wedding.
Notice the overheated broad-legged mess to the right wanting to jump ship.
Obviously not a photo taken by me. I would never pose like that knowingly.
It was so hot that weekend I could go swimming every morning. This made me very happy.
Ok I’m off now. Off to a day of steaming and sewing (actually working on something super exciting) and not having to face a single soul all day <3
Phew Viktoria, the heat here in England is getting too much for me (I wonder if Angel Clare’s damp cabbage leaf under the hat works (from Tess of the D’Urbervilles) ? It’s 40 degrees C. In my office.
I have thoughts also about addiction to emotions and like all addictions, it needs feeding with more and more.
As I am ancient, I hope you find like I did that there gets a point when you can feed it no more. Panic, what happens then?
A wonderful thing happens, it looses it’s grip on you and leaves you a stronger person.
Any idea what you are all going to call your little one’s Queendom, will it be like before? ,Gondal, Angria (not a good choice sounds like Angrier where everybody is grumpy) or Glasstown? Ha ha (Or maybe not ha ha…Oh er! Spooky).
The heat in England is making me melt faster than an ice cream.
Glad to see a new post \o/
I’m still running but guess what, now I’m feeling pain in other places… Getting old sucks right….
In the meantime let life happen, if we end up exploding, let it be like piñata, giving joy and candy to all below us.
🙂
Ah, swimming! Something that I could enjoy more often. (Not for lack of heat, but for lack of time. Of course, sometimes going to my sort-of neighborhood pool on a Friday seems like a promising idea, until I remember that Friday night is barbecue night, and there are always tons of people.)
That dress is quite wonderful! I think that it looks 10 times more comfortable and stylish than any of the dresses I have worn to weddings myself. (Of course, this is before last month, no three weeks ago, when I came out as trans.)
I hope that the summer in Norway is beautiful so that there are more beautiful things where you live! Wonderful people deserve to live in beautiful places.
“Notice the overheated broad-legged mess to the right wanting to jump ship.
Obviously not a photo taken by me. I would never pose like that knowingly.”
So apart from the fact that I would find the “tank-girl” viktoria with springer boots, fishnet tights, bomber jacket, tooth gap, sidecut and baseball bat that shines through for a femto-second, extremely great, it’s just the mirror neurons, that make you copy the gesture of the broad-shouldered man to your left. in this sense … stand by your mirror neurons, i like that viktoria 😉
Just curious. I’ve heard you talk about “steaming” fabric a few times now. What does that mean and why are you doing it? Is it part of making a new design?
Your description of running is beautiful and makes me miss it. For one moment I am back in high school cross-country, feeling the exultation.
I don’t think we are emotional roller coaster addicts exactly, I think are minds are just stuck in a see-saw pattern whether we like it or not and so we enjoy the good moments as much as we can while they last. We don’t have much control so we make the best of it, and appreciate the highs because they seem so much better than the average person’s average day. But I suspect that medicated stability is really a close approximation or imitation of good mental health, not quite the same thing, which is why we still long for the highs sometimes. Thank God for running!
Viktoria hello 😀 You might well be an ’emotion extremist’ addicted to extreme emotions and certainly you might feel depressed when you don’t feel those emotions. I get that. I think that those who experience extreme emotions are experiencing a reflection of the rawness of life that some of us are far more in tune with or more sensitive to, than others.
The challenge is how to cope (or not cope) when the emotions completely dictate us (I’m not telling you anything new here, just observing how you look to be coping whether that is by writing, crying, being on your own, going out and having a good time, being creative, running or being with loved ones for example).
I have learned many interesting aspects of the human condition by reading your experiences and am grateful you share them. You really are amazing ⭐️
❤️