Today’s been a sixteen hour day of work. Feels good. Even managed to take a little care of myself at the end of it all, move my body a little bit. Take a shower. Before I dove into the peanut butter, tea that promised me more than anything has ever done, and my moms homemade rolls. The real kind of peanut butter. Fyi. Not the organic stuff. Tried that once and I’m never falling for their words, however seductive, anymore. I’ll have my peanut butter with too much salt and the wrong kind of oil thank you.
Anyways. It’s the first time I sat down today and look
how beautiful the sun is shining through my dirty glasses and in to my living room.
It’s been raining all day..
Even my jewelry-hanger is waving the sun goodbye before we turn our back to it.
I am so serene.
Seriously, I just typed ‘yoga music’ on youtube and hit play.
This calm makes me so happy I want to dance in this sassy little number. Summer edition of my.. huge pajamawear-wardrobe.
It’s weird how things get into your head though. How people get into your head. How they treat you. What they tell you.. How incredibly easy it is for it to get stuck. You start believing it. Maybe it stirred something up or pushed a sensitive spot. Even the things that we’ve gone through over and over and over in our heads we know isn’t true about ourselves. You build and build up your confidence and your ability to convince yourself otherwise. Hoping to learn how to shrug it off. Believe that your worthy of it. And then one person can tear it all down in a matter of seconds.
We wanna look so tough. So untouchable. We want to be so cool. Above it all. Tenacious. We want to acquire all these superpowers whilst appearing careless..!! You just happened to be that impenetrable, you didn’t work for it. Are you working for it? Why do you care? -just don’t care?
But we aren’t. None of us. We have to work at it. We are all working hard at it. I, for one, don’t know how often I have to remind myself this. It’s not cool not to show emotions. Be affected by others. It’s in our DNA to be affected by each other. Nobody want’s to be with cool. Cool won’t hug you, understand and listen to you. Cool doesn’t care. Cool is cold.
So, on this serene evening with myself, I remind myself of what’s been getting at me lately. How it’s ok to be affected by it. I accept this part of myself. This weakness in my armor. A little tear. I know why it affects me. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make it true, nor does it make me feel any better.., if anything I feel sad for the other party making others feel worse about themselves. I don’t want to make anybody feel worse about themselves.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to the rest of us. Know that I’m not cool at all. I’ll listen if you need me to. We’re all in this alone together.
we are all human. Things happen to us, so we cry, or we laugh, we get angry, or disheartened, and like you wrote, thats completely natural. What would we be without our emotions? Who would we be? its okay to feel, its okay to cry, im basically restating what you wrote in the blog! haha. these are all true words, its good to take moments to remind ourselves that we are allowed to feel. for someone to be sensitive to others and themselves is very important.
Im very happy you had a calm evening ♥. You AlWAYS deserve it.
Great posting as always I’m Intrigued how sunlight In your hometown is only for a couple of hours while here in LA it seems like forever wish i can live in a raining territory also try hearing kid cudi- too bad I have to destroy you now just saying 👌
The guy who had a hit eight / nine years ago? Actually when I first started dating my husband..! Remember it very clearly 😀
Lol all his songs are hits to me aurora 1 kid cudi 2
Shut up you’re super cool! 😉
Did you know there’s a whole world of nut butters out there? I had pistachio butter once, OMG amazing. Reeses peanut butter cups though, my only weakness (apart from mental, physical and spiritual trauma ofc). 😀
I’ve been really enjoying just being honest lately, and connecting with people (side effects of an existential crisis yo). Bluntness is awesome, appreciate anyone who will tell it how it is.
Would really love to chat sometime Viktoria, just by email or something, no pressure to like reply ASAP or anything. There’s some things I’d like to share and frankly I find you inspirational… just talking through your doubts and musings on this blog. I respect that carefree honesty, it’s wonderful. 🙂
… its bit like human-dignity; therefore it is not realised it has to become a normativ need for a liveable world
the only real “cool” thing i remember were the 80ies ;), and i think it was a necessary reaction to the failed dreams of the flowerpower generation… the cold war freezes again in the 80ies but this time was sensitive and emphatic for the tragedy in it self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kds4XIt-MuA
today i think being “cool” is more about self-governing capabilities to be market-compatible reckless against oneself and against others. it’s a technology of the self where everything has become a product even immaterial things… the foucault thing 😉
Hjerte.
I hjertet mitt, du.
… wow im flashed, i just realised that “the little one” is part of the original soundtrack of covenant 😀 what a great combination !!! since my first “alone at home” experience with 12 years, im totally adiccted to h.r. giger’s creature and the deep space… are you going to premiere this days ? 🙂
It was the soundtrack for the Covenant trailer too, she’s also featured in the end credits of the new Mass Effect game, and she did a coverfor the Sims Vampires in the nonsense language the Sims speak. Her songs are getting about. 🙂
Giger’s art was beautiful in a real organic/gothic kind of way. I would love to go the Giger museum bar.
Viktoria, I wonder if you could pull off something inspired by that style. :O