I painted one of the living room walls. I like it. White can be so depressing.
The other one helped. But I’m a better painter than him. I make it even, take my time. So I painted the second and third coat by myself. I love tasks like that. Just-do-tasks, no need to think. I’ve been doing a lot of escaping thoughts lately. I’ve been feeling as dark as my new wall on my inside and have no intention of indulging it. Can I say that? Indulging? Indulging in it? To indulge in something?
Anyways. Been running a lot, alone and with the other one. Which feels great. Except the expected minor closing of the throat episodes that forces me to slow down. I don’t think it comes from panic or being out of breath. It’s sadness. It’s suppressed tears. And they make me so very tired. How exhausting life can be. How exhausting to keep going sometimes. Keep running. Keep getting out of bed. Putting on your face. Caring about all sorts of stuff. Seems like all I’m enjoying these days is writing. My book. I’m writing every episode of my life that comes to me down. To be filled out later. I don’t really have any ambition or hope for it. I’ve just wanted to write it since I was eighteen and committed to a psychiatric hospital. I remember very well just when I decided that I would write it all down one day. The book may just turn out as a pity-party and totally uninteresting to read. Which is fine. I am, at my core though, a positive person with a positive outlook on the future. Even now, today. Because I know it’ll pass. Everything passes, life responds to you and change itself for you all the time.
Maybe this is true or maybe I just have to air out my living room. The chemicals from the paint may have gotten to my head and I’m all blur now.
I think I’ll go to my sister now. After this selfie in this very special lighting that I’m so very blessed with that enhances all of my little facial lumps and bumps <3
I can always go to my sisters, and I’m so happy that is the case. I feel so sad for the ones as dark inside as my freshly painted with chemicals wall without anywhere safe to go. I have three tips for you.
1. Don’t fear it. Cry, be in pain -it’s not gonna hurt you more than what you’re feeling right now. 2. Write it down. Or say it out loud, take your dark feeling and break it down, let it out into the room, confront it, embrace it. Bad feelings diminish when taken apart, they hate daylight. 3. Air it out. Open the window, get some air. Better yet, go outside. The leaves are beautiful this time of year.
I’m off now. There’s a glass of wine somewhere with my name on it.
After this one.
Soundtrack of the day: Moby – Natural Blues. LOUD.
Its incredible how we can be so different and so similar at the same time. I can relate with every feeling u described but I cant write about things that make me sad…I dont Know why…I Just cant bit I do walk, sit on a beach playing some music or watch the sunset and it helps me a little.
Thanx for sharing your weakness and strenght with us 😘
<3
A very gorgeous blur!! 😉 Viktoria even though I am mostly a very resilient and a very positive person, there are times when life is too overwhelming for me and I too feel like giving up, curling into a little ball and sleeping forever! But as you say it always passes. Your advice is spot on and I know a very special someone who I will show this to as I know it will help a lot. Thank you. A book would be fantastic. Everyone has their own unique experience. Sharing yours will help others. Enjoy the company of your sisters and much love to you!
That makes me so happy <3
I thought of you recently; I caught a documentary with Louis Theroux, called Talking To Anorexia. It was really heartbreaking and I recommend giving it a watch. All these poor souls compelled to nearly kill themselves for reasons they can’t even grasp (all women in the show; I don’t know if that is usually the case. What horrible pressure are we putting them under?). It certainly helped me get a better insight of what eating disorders are and what they can do to a person.
Anyway, those three tips, fumes talking or not, are solid advice! Did you come down a mountain with them inscribed on stone tablets? 😛
Also I like ending the post with a music choice; that’s such a nice way to express yourself to someone.
Thanks for the tip James! And thank you! I’ll do the soundtrack thing again then <3
Great tips for a life time, it makes me feel more alive knowing that i dont have to say my thoughts but you do which i appreciate. 👏
😀 <3
I liked your tips, especially that second one. Many times I try to express my dark feelings with sarcastic and satirical comedy. It makes life a little funnier but I don’t know if that kind of expression is good or bad. What do you think?
If its funnier its not bad
Off-topic comment. You should publish a picture book of Aurora’s stage clothing. Don’t you design and sew most of her clothing? Studio shots of the clothing, commentary on each outfit. Or maybe a sponsored website. Idk, do people still buy books?
Soundtrack of the day: Jimmy Buffet, Volcano. Write when you can.